Archive | July, 2013

I Made Friends Who Aren’t Even Cats

21 Jul

At camp. Making friends (They aren’t even cats) . Eating lots of food. Writing speeches.

I’ve learned some stuff at camp and i’ll share it with you in the form of a hand-made mantra.

“If your buttcrack is sweating, you know you’re doing something right”

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I’m Not Dead, Just At Camp

21 Jul

Hi. I’m here to tell you i’m not dead, i’m at camp (ha, the one title that doesn’t lead you to think i’m writing a porn script. Unless you’re a necrophiliac). I’m at speech camp to be more precise here at Gustavus Adolphus College and i’m having fun (Aka, they have lots of
food)
. My category is a writing category and i’m so anxious to be tested as a writer. Also, I get to let out a lot of this “teen angst”.

I’ll leave you with a new mantra that I made up on the way to camp, it helped me get over my fear of being extroverted.

“Treat new people like new underwear: Show them to everyone, don’t fart or poop on them because you’ll forever tarnish them and it’s okay to have space from them sometimes and air yourself out”.

PS. Mr. Pricklepants didn’t want me to go to camp.

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I’m Sorry, I Was Too Busy TWMP, Viewer Discretion Is Advised. (Men, This Is For You)

16 Jul

Are you curious to know what TWMP means? THAT SUCKS BECAUSE I’M NOT GONNA TELL YOU UNTIL THE END OF THIS. Well, I can assure you that I am never guilty of TWMP. Nor am I guilty of TWMV because quite frankly, I’m better than that. If am ever were to TWMV, it would be for a pretty good reason, too.

Are you curious yet? Well that sucks because I am particularly crabby right now and I feel like taking it out on every poor soul that clicks on this. Suck it, life sucks and SPOILER ALERT everyone dies anyways.

I’ve been reading these wonderful books lately. Have you heard of them? They’re called FIFTY SHADES OF PORN. Have you ever read them? Oh they’re just fantastic! Did you know that your butt isn’t just an exit? WELL I DO NOW. IN VIVID ADJECTIVES. The book honestly has a great storyline and i’m all for reading about romance and things of that nature but WOW. I might as well go watch some hardcore kinky porn because ever 3 page there is an elevator, a belt and silver balls (Yeah, you heard me. Silver balls. And they ain’t used as jingle bells, that’s for damn sure).  I love the books, but this guy turns into the poon slayer every 3 pages. I can’t handle that. Like who does that? Handcuffs are meant to be used as handcuffs for bad people! Not bad people. I put that in italics because it’s supposed to insinuate that it’s sexual. Unfortunately Word Press hasn’t invented a frickin “Innuendo” button.

Men. Men are really strange creatures. Who thinks it’s okay to turn your underwear inside out and wear them again? I’m sorry, if you got skid marks all over one side, you’re gonna get skid marks all over the other side. WHY WEAR THEM IN THE FIRST PLACE. Males, do you think it’s cute to pee on the toilet seat? Do you think it is funny? No, no it’s not funny at all. It’s not cute. Should I just start leaving period remnants all over? Is that funny? DO YOU FIND THAT CUTE?

Oh! Don’t even get me started on periods. Can you not handle that I bleed out of my vagina on a monthly basis? YEAH WELL NEITHER CAN I. If I need a tampon, get me a damn tampon or else you’re going to find a very large foot placed firmly in your butt! (Remember, I learned that it’s not only an exit. Thanks, E. L. James) If you’re going to the store to pick up tampons, there is not a single man in that Wal-Mart that is going to go “Whoa dude, you have a heavy flow. Why the supers?”. NO NO NO NO. He’s gonna say “Oh, what a kind and considerate gentleman you are picking up feminine products for your woman. WHAT A NICE GUY”. I have a civil war in my uterus every month, I will have babies, I wear bras (still waiting on boobs), I brush my hair and wear pants. WHAT THE HELL MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME. BUY ME TAMPONS. IS THAT SO HARD. TAMPONS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Where can I buy rebel tampons. Anyone?

Where can I buy rebel tampons. Anyone?

I can’t even fathom some of the idiocy. Do people wonder why some people turn to cats? Because men are chauvinist pigs. Ladies and gentleman, TWMP means…Wait. Gentleman. GENTLE-men. THATS REALLY FUNNY. It should be Ladies and un-gentlemen-who-pee-on-toilet-seats-and-only-cuddle-when-there’s-some-cuddy-involved. That sounds about right. If you’re a man and you’re reading this, I would say I’m sorry BUT IM NOT. (Okay, I may feel slight remorse later if you’re actually a nice person but no. Tell your fellow brethren to be nice and stop the cycle of TWMP).  For all you skitchs who think that Aunt Flow is visiting right now, she’s not. This is me on a daily basis, just with a much larger emphasis on tampons.

So men, stop the cycle. If you think you are showing signs, ask yourself, “Do I Think With My Penis?” Try thinking without your penis for once in you life, because it’s letting you down. Not to mention, it’s not going to be any use when you’re older. SO, dust off your brain and stop being dumb. If you think you are at risk and have to ask yourself if you suffer from TWMP, remember this home-made mantra I created just for you. Think of it before you do something stupid.

“Remember that woman who cut her husbands penis off?”

My Friends Don’t Have Thumbs

9 Jul

Those aren’t my friends. None of those people are my friends. First of all, they’re way too cheeky and friendly looking. Second of all, they look successful. I don’t want to be friends with someone who looks more successful than I do. Lastly, none of those people look cute and cuddly and semi-okay with licking my face from time to time (I mean that in a literal sense…that isn’t any sort of sexual innuendo).

Once again I’m  gracing your eyes with the presence of a post that has a vague title and a message with an even different meaning. If you read the title, I few things could be going through your mind.

  • This girl is a cannibal, she’s eating all of her friends thumbs.
  • All of her friends are babies who have sucked their thumbs off.
  • She isn’t friends with anything of the human kind.
  • Bella? Friends? HA. That’s a good one.

If “she isn’t friends with anything of the human kind” ran through your scattered mind, then you are correct! I’m talking CATS ladies and gents! You see, I have learned to embrace the true livelihood that cats provide. Being the awkward “angsty teen” that I am, I will provide you with some insight into my life through photographs.

This is Mr. Pricklepants and I before school.

This is Mr. Pricklepants and I before school.

This is Mr. Pricklepants and I brushing our teeth together. More like me brushing and he pokerfacing it.

This is Mr. Pricklepants and I brushing our teeth together. More like me brushing and he pokerfacing it.

This is a group shot with Shell (Pensive cat in back) and Monti (Screamo cat in front). We are just beautiful.

This is a group shot with Shell (Pensive cat in back) and Monti (Screamo cat in front). We are just beautiful.

This is Mr. Pricklepants and I on Christmas. He loves Christmas.

This is Mr. Pricklepants and I on Christmas. He loves Christmas.

What people really forget to understand is that I’m actually a really nice person who enjoys basic human interaction. For some reason I think my nervous twitching and urge to rip out all of the wallet pictures of my cats scares people away. I can’t imagine why though because quite frankly, I think all of the wallets are quite cute. You see, I’m a cat lady and I’m okay with it. Embrace it. Work it. Love it. Live it. Wait, is it normal to be a 16 year old cat lady? Is that normal? What do “normal teenagers” do?  Never mind, don’t answer that. This is basically how I see myself in about 10 years, give or take:

  • I see myself as a really eccentric person, the life of the party.

 

 

  • I see myself as a fashion mogul. Versace Versace Versace Versace.

  • Not only will I be classy, I’ll also be a business woman. I see myself maybe owning a small business?

  • I would hope that I would have settled down, but if not, I have a back up plan!

If that isn’t an exciting life, I don’t know what is, honestly. Being an out-of-the-closet Cat Lady is harder than I first imagined it. It really was AWESOME to go on the ol’ Twitter one day and see a string of comments from a bunch of girls at school. One of them said, “You’re turning into a Crazy cat lady..haha who does that remind you of?” and another one replied with “Oh god…” and inserted those Emoji’s with the gun pointing to the head. The conversation in general got over 20 retweets and countless favorites, all poking fun at my Cat Lady-ness. It hurt at first but then I’m like uh, when all of your friends leave you, what are you going to be left with? A bunch of bleach blond hair and the cellulite that covers your ass. What am I going to be left with someday? A whole boatload of cats. Who wins? I win. Bella wins.  So to all you cat haters out there, go for it. For all you cat-lover haters out there, kiss all my cats’ furry ass.

If you are a struggling cat lover, please feel free to reach out to me. I’ve been there, I know what it’s like to feel the hate of cat-haters everywhere. If you’re looking for some inspiration, i’ll leave you with a good quote I made up myself.

“Sometimes those without thumbs act more intelligent than those with thumbs”

I Shaved Both My Legs Today

7 Jul

I usually feel some sort of remorse for people who actually read this shitty blog (damnit. I’m sorry for swearing…shit. I did it again. Fml) because I always write a title that makes you believe you’re going to be reading some sort of prelude to a porn flick and then I actually end up writing about bellybutton hair. My sincere apologies!

Actually, I just feel like dumping my brain. Not like that angsty teen relationship dumping, but releasing all of my thoughts through my fingers and giving the world wide web a heap of poop to read. So in the general fashion of this heap of poop blog, I will give you a list accompanied by a few graphics of things I need to dump out of my brain.

Miley Cyrus

Can we just take a moment to acknowledge the girl crush I have on Miley Cyrus. Now this new song speaks to my soul although I cannot attest to all the lyrics being “my lifestyle”. All you haters keep on doing what you’re doing, because every time you search for Miley or watch one of her fantastic twerking videos, you’re just giving her more views! But let’s all just take a moment to realize that I really do enjoy Ms. Cyrus.

Twerking

For those of you who don’t know the pleasures of twerking and all that it entails, I have inserted a very lovely video twerked by my favorite twerk team to the song “Love Sosa” by Chief Keef.

*DISCLAIMER: DO NOT WATCH THIS VIDEO IF YOU HAVE A FEAR OF BIG BUTTS OR ARE A MALE WITH HEART PROBLEMS*

Now that you have a little insight of what twerking is, form your own opinion of it. Miley Cyrus has made an empire for herself among twerkers everywhere. Twerking has swept the nation from every street corner to every white girls bedroom across the nation. Now please feast your eyes on my all-time favorite twerking video. These girls truly are talented.

Enough said. Just enough said.

Shaving legs is actually really hard

Does anyone actually realize how hard it is to shave your legs? Well girls, of course you do (unless you don’t because you don’t shave your legs which in that case, rock on) but do guys actually understand the agony I go through just to shave my legs? I’m thankful that I got real short legs because I don’t know how girls with those long gams do it. Don’t even get me started on trying to shave your shin.  Remember that guy who walked to wire over the Grand canyon? Yeah, that’s my razor every time it’s trying to shave my shin. If it falls off the beaten path it’s a bloody mess. And does anyone ever tell you how you’re supposed to shave the back of your leg? No, of course they didn’t because the world is just an abnormally cruel place and whoever created me decided that putting hair on the back of your upper leg was a good idea. Did I mention it doesn’t grow in the same direction as regular hair? Of course not. Of freaking course not. I always have to make sure I shave my legs because god forbid if I don’t I’m not DTC (down to cuddle). Stupid legs.

Amish Skirts

Must I just say I have a slight obsession with skirts of the amish nature. Now to the rest of the general public, you might call these skirts “maxi skirts”. No. They’re amish skirts and they protect my modesty. Not to mention they cover up my legs when I decide not to shave them. Pure genius. I don’t really have much to say about said skirts, I just really wanted to throw out how much I loved them.

Alright. I don’t have much more to say and I don’t know how to not end this in an awkward fashion. So I will leave you with a small dose of wisdom that I have created for you. Enjoy.

“Man with one chopstick go hungry. Man who breaks chopstick eats splinters.”

Money Can’t Buy You Happiness, But It Can Buy You Huge Knockers

3 Jul

Being a teenager is hard. Being a teenager with a flat chest is even harder. My dad once told me,

“You can’t buy happiness but you sure can rent it by the hour”

To be quite honest I’m still not sure if there was a sexual innuendo in there or not, but it is true. So I was just thinking about my future life as always and I have compiled a list of things that I can look forward to:

  1. College
  2. A college education which will help me start a career
  3. A career which will rake in lots of dough and moola and things of that nature
  4. Lots of money means I can buy some huge knockers

Money can’t buy you happiness but it sure can buy you some huge knockers!

Who needs a popsicle when you got huge knockers? Exactly.

Who needs a popsicle when you got huge knockers? Exactly.

Which then led me to thinking, is anyone really happy with what they have? For me it’s always been the same ol’ fight with my sister, who has red, curly hair and I have thin, brown hair that has no ounce of life in it whatsoever. So in the true nature of this blog, I have compiled yet another list of things people are unhappy with and found a compromise.

1. Hair

Is anyone ever happy with their hair? People who have straight hair want curly hair, people with curly hair want straight hair and people with back hair want no hair at all. I had to go through the archives of google to find it, but I found a good compromise. You can thank the beautiful Brittney Spears for her ingenious solution for hair problems everywhere.

Brit Brit had her head in the right spot...Right next to the clippers.

Brit Brit had her head in the right spot…Right next to the clippers.

2. Body Image

I’m almost 100% positive that no one is completely content with their bodies. Even people like Ms. Upton have to have some sort of “flaw” that they are unhappy with (with knockers like that, I’d be the happiest person ever). Those who have more to love want less to love, those with less to love want more to love and those who want giant shelf asses that can carry small children just have to sit and hate their life. Usually when people want to change their bodies they have to turn to plastic surgery, dieting and exercise. Well being the self proclaimed genius that I am, I found a cost-effective and non-strenuous solution to push you in the right direction towards a killer body.

DSkfjdkjflfaj. No caption needed.

DSkfjdkjflfaj. No caption needed.

3. Social Status

It seems to me that no matter how much we love our friends, we have this urge to upgrade ourselves in the social ladder. The nerdy kids want to chill with the “cool” kids, the cool kids want to chill with Paris Hilton and then theirs the rest of us who just want huge knockers (okay…friends would be nice, too). So I came up with this solution which actually frequently works for me. Low maintenance, lots of unconditional love and not to mention they clean themselves.

Cats on cats on cats.

Cats on cats on cats.

4. Economic Status

The old saying of “keeping up with the Jones’ ” has now turned into Keeping Up With The Kardashians. Can anyone keep up with the Kardashians? Does anyone even know what direction to begin searching for enough money to keep up with them? South? East? North West? But in all seriousness, money seems to run everyone’s life. Isn’t it strange how a little piece of green paper can make or break a persons life? It can’t buy you happiness but it can buy you _________ (fill in the blank). Also as a disclaimer, whoever says money can’t buy you happiness has obviously never ridden a jet-ski.  So I delved deep into the depths of cable television and came up with a good solution. Ladies and ‘Gents, I present you with the hit TV show, Naked and Afraid. This show teaches us that not only can you live successfully without money, but you can do it naked on cable television.

I'm not sure if I could handle all of my lady bits flashing around in the wild.

I’m not sure if I could handle all of my lady bits flashing around in the wild.

So the next time you are unhappy with your life remember, there is always a compromise. I will leave you with quote that I made myself, use it whenever you are contemplating your happiness and economic status. I promise you will not go wrong!

“If you find yourself unhappy and broke, find a new job. Have you ever heard of an unhappy prostitute?”

*DISCLAIMER: Please use advice given in this post with caution*

Maisy's Mom

Dirty Diapers, Crafts and Soul Searching (But mostly diapers)

Just a dreaming teenage wallflower

If your dreams don't scare you, they aren't big enough

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