Money Can’t Buy You Happiness, But It Can Buy You Huge Knockers

3 Jul

Being a teenager is hard. Being a teenager with a flat chest is even harder. My dad once told me,

“You can’t buy happiness but you sure can rent it by the hour”

To be quite honest I’m still not sure if there was a sexual innuendo in there or not, but it is true. So I was just thinking about my future life as always and I have compiled a list of things that I can look forward to:

  1. College
  2. A college education which will help me start a career
  3. A career which will rake in lots of dough and moola and things of that nature
  4. Lots of money means I can buy some huge knockers

Money can’t buy you happiness but it sure can buy you some huge knockers!

Who needs a popsicle when you got huge knockers? Exactly.

Who needs a popsicle when you got huge knockers? Exactly.

Which then led me to thinking, is anyone really happy with what they have? For me it’s always been the same ol’ fight with my sister, who has red, curly hair and I have thin, brown hair that has no ounce of life in it whatsoever. So in the true nature of this blog, I have compiled yet another list of things people are unhappy with and found a compromise.

1. Hair

Is anyone ever happy with their hair? People who have straight hair want curly hair, people with curly hair want straight hair and people with back hair want no hair at all. I had to go through the archives of google to find it, but I found a good compromise. You can thank the beautiful Brittney Spears for her ingenious solution for hair problems everywhere.

Brit Brit had her head in the right spot...Right next to the clippers.

Brit Brit had her head in the right spot…Right next to the clippers.

2. Body Image

I’m almost 100% positive that no one is completely content with their bodies. Even people like Ms. Upton have to have some sort of “flaw” that they are unhappy with (with knockers like that, I’d be the happiest person ever). Those who have more to love want less to love, those with less to love want more to love and those who want giant shelf asses that can carry small children just have to sit and hate their life. Usually when people want to change their bodies they have to turn to plastic surgery, dieting and exercise. Well being the self proclaimed genius that I am, I found a cost-effective and non-strenuous solution to push you in the right direction towards a killer body.

DSkfjdkjflfaj. No caption needed.

DSkfjdkjflfaj. No caption needed.

3. Social Status

It seems to me that no matter how much we love our friends, we have this urge to upgrade ourselves in the social ladder. The nerdy kids want to chill with the “cool” kids, the cool kids want to chill with Paris Hilton and then theirs the rest of us who just want huge knockers (okay…friends would be nice, too). So I came up with this solution which actually frequently works for me. Low maintenance, lots of unconditional love and not to mention they clean themselves.

Cats on cats on cats.

Cats on cats on cats.

4. Economic Status

The old saying of “keeping up with the Jones’ ” has now turned into Keeping Up With The Kardashians. Can anyone keep up with the Kardashians? Does anyone even know what direction to begin searching for enough money to keep up with them? South? East? North West? But in all seriousness, money seems to run everyone’s life. Isn’t it strange how a little piece of green paper can make or break a persons life? It can’t buy you happiness but it can buy you _________ (fill in the blank). Also as a disclaimer, whoever says money can’t buy you happiness has obviously never ridden a jet-ski.  So I delved deep into the depths of cable television and came up with a good solution. Ladies and ‘Gents, I present you with the hit TV show, Naked and Afraid. This show teaches us that not only can you live successfully without money, but you can do it naked on cable television.

I'm not sure if I could handle all of my lady bits flashing around in the wild.

I’m not sure if I could handle all of my lady bits flashing around in the wild.

So the next time you are unhappy with your life remember, there is always a compromise. I will leave you with quote that I made myself, use it whenever you are contemplating your happiness and economic status. I promise you will not go wrong!

“If you find yourself unhappy and broke, find a new job. Have you ever heard of an unhappy prostitute?”

*DISCLAIMER: Please use advice given in this post with caution*

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3 Responses to “Money Can’t Buy You Happiness, But It Can Buy You Huge Knockers”

  1. Elise January 17, 2014 at 5:35 pm #

    “This show teaches us that not only can you live successfully without money, but you can do it naked on cable television.” Most hilarious one liner I’ve ever heard about a TV show, ever. So good. 😀

    • bandgeekbella January 17, 2014 at 9:48 pm #

      Well thank you! Cable television does a great job at relieving our nudist inhibitions.

  2. David Lee Roth March 11, 2016 at 6:46 pm #

    “Money can’t buy you happiness, but it can buy you a yacht big enough to pull up right alongside it.” – David Lee Roth

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