I’m Sorry, I Was Too Busy TWMP, Viewer Discretion Is Advised. (Men, This Is For You)

16 Jul

Are you curious to know what TWMP means? THAT SUCKS BECAUSE I’M NOT GONNA TELL YOU UNTIL THE END OF THIS. Well, I can assure you that I am never guilty of TWMP. Nor am I guilty of TWMV because quite frankly, I’m better than that. If am ever were to TWMV, it would be for a pretty good reason, too.

Are you curious yet? Well that sucks because I am particularly crabby right now and I feel like taking it out on every poor soul that clicks on this. Suck it, life sucks and SPOILER ALERT everyone dies anyways.

I’ve been reading these wonderful books lately. Have you heard of them? They’re called FIFTY SHADES OF PORN. Have you ever read them? Oh they’re just fantastic! Did you know that your butt isn’t just an exit? WELL I DO NOW. IN VIVID ADJECTIVES. The book honestly has a great storyline and i’m all for reading about romance and things of that nature but WOW. I might as well go watch some hardcore kinky porn because ever 3 page there is an elevator, a belt and silver balls (Yeah, you heard me. Silver balls. And they ain’t used as jingle bells, that’s for damn sure).  I love the books, but this guy turns into the poon slayer every 3 pages. I can’t handle that. Like who does that? Handcuffs are meant to be used as handcuffs for bad people! Not bad people. I put that in italics because it’s supposed to insinuate that it’s sexual. Unfortunately Word Press hasn’t invented a frickin “Innuendo” button.

Men. Men are really strange creatures. Who thinks it’s okay to turn your underwear inside out and wear them again? I’m sorry, if you got skid marks all over one side, you’re gonna get skid marks all over the other side. WHY WEAR THEM IN THE FIRST PLACE. Males, do you think it’s cute to pee on the toilet seat? Do you think it is funny? No, no it’s not funny at all. It’s not cute. Should I just start leaving period remnants all over? Is that funny? DO YOU FIND THAT CUTE?

Oh! Don’t even get me started on periods. Can you not handle that I bleed out of my vagina on a monthly basis? YEAH WELL NEITHER CAN I. If I need a tampon, get me a damn tampon or else you’re going to find a very large foot placed firmly in your butt! (Remember, I learned that it’s not only an exit. Thanks, E. L. James) If you’re going to the store to pick up tampons, there is not a single man in that Wal-Mart that is going to go “Whoa dude, you have a heavy flow. Why the supers?”. NO NO NO NO. He’s gonna say “Oh, what a kind and considerate gentleman you are picking up feminine products for your woman. WHAT A NICE GUY”. I have a civil war in my uterus every month, I will have babies, I wear bras (still waiting on boobs), I brush my hair and wear pants. WHAT THE HELL MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME. BUY ME TAMPONS. IS THAT SO HARD. TAMPONS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Where can I buy rebel tampons. Anyone?

Where can I buy rebel tampons. Anyone?

I can’t even fathom some of the idiocy. Do people wonder why some people turn to cats? Because men are chauvinist pigs. Ladies and gentleman, TWMP means…Wait. Gentleman. GENTLE-men. THATS REALLY FUNNY. It should be Ladies and un-gentlemen-who-pee-on-toilet-seats-and-only-cuddle-when-there’s-some-cuddy-involved. That sounds about right. If you’re a man and you’re reading this, I would say I’m sorry BUT IM NOT. (Okay, I may feel slight remorse later if you’re actually a nice person but no. Tell your fellow brethren to be nice and stop the cycle of TWMP).  For all you skitchs who think that Aunt Flow is visiting right now, she’s not. This is me on a daily basis, just with a much larger emphasis on tampons.

So men, stop the cycle. If you think you are showing signs, ask yourself, “Do I Think With My Penis?” Try thinking without your penis for once in you life, because it’s letting you down. Not to mention, it’s not going to be any use when you’re older. SO, dust off your brain and stop being dumb. If you think you are at risk and have to ask yourself if you suffer from TWMP, remember this home-made mantra I created just for you. Think of it before you do something stupid.

“Remember that woman who cut her husbands penis off?”


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