They Never Told Me What A Vagina Was At School (I Still Don’t Know)

9 Aug

Do you know where the saying “the birds and the bees” comes from? Whether or not you wanted to know, I’m going to tell you anyways.

The birds and the bees” is an English-language idiomatic expression that refers to courtship and sexual intercourse, and is usually used in reference to teaching someone, often a young child, about sex and pregnancy. The phrase is evocative of the metaphors and euphemisms often used to avoid speaking openly and technically about the subject.

According to tradition, the birds and the bees is a metaphorical story sometimes told to children in an attempt to explain the mechanics and good consequences of sexual intercourse through reference to easily observed natural events. For instance, bees carry and deposit pollen into flowers, a visible and easy-to-explain example of male fertilisation. Another example, birds lay eggs, a similarly visible and easy-to-explain example of female ovulation.”

You see, what no one ever explains to you is that the birds and the bees never actually have sex with each other. I was under the impression this whole time that the bee is the uh…giver and the bird is the quote and quote “taker” (to be honest, I never understood where the bird would “take it”. I mean, I know where our thanksgiving turkey takes his stuffing…).  No one ever tells you what the bird or the bee symbolizes. Here I was thinking that there is some horny bee out there looking to stick all of these innocent looking little birds. I guess i really never put the whole “pregnancy” aspect into the equation because birds clearly lay eggs and bees just make honey (well according to the birds and the bees, the bees are  getting all the damn flowers pregnant. Sluts). What I’m trying to get at here is quite simply this: Who DOES explain to you what the birds and the bees are if you’re taking your parents out of the equation? I mean, what if you don’t have parents? Where did little orphan Annie learn about sex?? Who was there to guide her through life so she didn’t end up having a lot of little orphan Arnold’s?

In 7th grade we had the dreaded “maturation talk”. What a joyous, hormone-laden period of my life that was (well I wasn’t experiencing my teen angst stage at that point so all I had to rely on was my hormones). I remember our normal FACS (family and consumer science) teacher was out on maternity leave and we had the long-term sub there to teach all about the joys of said “birds and bees”. I remember going into class and getting a large, wordy packet but not being able to turn it over because “the boys were in the room and there were things on the packet they couldn’t see”. Let’s be real here. If you’re telling me that a 7th grade boy has never seen a good boob or two in their life, you’ve cat to be kitten me. The teacher had one of the male gym teachers come in and escort all of the boys to a separate room while all of the females stayed in the FACS room. From that moment on, I’ve never had a more mortifying experience in my life. I was confused the whole time, wanted to ask questions but couldn’t for fear of public smiting.

Our teacher was a youngin, early twenties maybe? She had a cute little powerpoint to give us insight into our “ever so blossoming bodies”. Sure, for some girls they were “blossoming”. Were boobs supposed to happen then? If so, i’m still waiting. Anyways, i’m sitting in class anxious to flip over this packet and get venturing into sex and boobs and uteruses (is that the plural form? Uteruses? Or is it uterusi?) and I am let down. Not just let down, i’m pretty sure my anxious little ovaries even sighed in unison. This teacher (who shall remain un-named) didn’t even MENTION sex or boobs or uteruses. When a picture popped up on the screen, she would “point” to it and say “And THAT is what will happen to your…THAT. When your older you’ll use THIS to touch THAT”. She might as well have said if you touch your THAT to THAT you will get chlamydia and you will die. BUT WAIT! I didn’t learn what chlamydia was until 10th grade (before you make any assumptions, I didn’t learn it by personal experience. Harry Walsh, an 80 something sex educator, made damn sure we all knew the life threatening properties of chlamydia. Thanks, Harry. I owe you one) so thank god someone taught me. Later on in the packet we had to do a picture and word bank match up. I would like you to take a moment and imagine something, just do it.

Little innocent Bella has no inkling as to how a vagina and an ovary are any different. The teacher comes over and asks what’s wrong and Bella responds with “Well, I don’t know what THAT or THAT even are, besides the fact that they’re not supposed to touch!!!

Parents, don’t rely on the school system to educate your children about sex and maturation. I had to learn it all on my own through school. I think I turned out pretty well.  I’m pretty sure my penis is different from all the other girls out there and my friend told me that one day my uterus will eat my testicles. See, I learned just fine on my own.

To this day, I still never finished the packet, I never grew boobs and I never learned what a vagina is. Hell, I still don’t know.

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