If You Can’t Handle My Crocs, You Don’t Deserve Me At My Hump-Me Pumps

17 Aug

I’ve heard the saying “If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best”. I’ve also heard “If you can’t handle me at my Amanda Bynes, then you don’t deserve me at Beyoncé”. I feel like this is extremely applicable to my life, except it’s seldom that I actually live by this. But, that is what makes me who I am and for that, I am content.

In the general theme of the ‘ol blog, I’ve come up with a list of things that people need to deal with before they decide to enter my life. So if you’ve been admiring from afar, here is a list of things that will most definitely make you admire from even further. Enjoy!

My Love For Degrading and Deplorable Music ♥

“Together We Are A Powerful Force As One Mind, Body, And Soul.

Let No Evil Nor Attempt To Reduce Us Becuz Of Tha Beliefs We Hold.

And With This Love, Combined With Our Strength, We Ward Off Pain And Stress.

TECHNICIAN I Am Wholeheartedly In LIFE And In DEATH.”

If you don’t know what that is, then I suggest you do some googling before we can establish contact. Some days I have the playlist of a depressed white girl who needs a Prozac shake. Some days I have the playlist of a hay-bailing, overall-bearing farmer. Most days I have the playlist of a gender degrading drug dealer who snorts lines off of other peoples bellybuttons. How can you live with yourself do you ask? It’s simple. I breathe, blink and eat occasionally while trying to manage 8 hours of sleep a night. T-Swizzle has really never been “my thing”. After a stressful day, I prefer to put my earphones in and listen to the most degrading, ass-clappin good music I can find. I mean, I do enjoy people like Mumford and Sons and Bon Iver plenty, but I will always be loyal to Tech and Tupac. Wanna win me over with a love song? Skip that. Wanna know what would really win me over? Play the song “My Wife, My Bitch, My Girl” outside my window. I’ll be yours for life. ♥

Cats On Cats On Cats

Self explanatory. Nothing comes between me and the love I have for felines. Want to really impress me? Cat sweaters. Cat sweaters for days. Enough said.

This is just so great.

This is just so great.

This one is great, too.

This one is great, too.

This one is the best.

This one is the best.

Excessive Amounts Of Luggage

Now if you are actually mistaking this portion of the list for actual luggage, HA. HAHAHA. HAHAHAHAHAH. You rock. Let’s just keep it that way and go with that; I have a lot of luggage. Unfortunately for my own self, I have a lot of baggage. Whether the baggage be emotional or physical, I have a lot. (If I had a much boob as I had baggage…boy i’d have a world record. Sigh. One can only hope) Generally I give people a little forewarning like, HEY IM REALLY CRAZY AND BIPOLAR EVEN TWO SECONDS…THAT COOL? I feel like people never really listen to the little asterisk I give them and then blame me for being crazy after the fact they finally realized it. So here you go…

*Warning, the person you’re about to experience is subject, but not limited to the following symptoms: Mood swings, social awkwardness, needy behavior, meowing when under pressure, excessive crying, binge eating, bagel eating and the occasional accusatory statement. Please handle person with care. You have been warned.*

I wish my baggage adhered to the fifty pound weight limit.

I wish my baggage adhered to the fifty pound weight limit.

Crocs. Crocs For Days.

To be quite honest, I don’t understand why these got such a bad reputation. I think they are absolutely splendid. They come in about a billion quadrillion different colors and have built in air conditioning, not to mention that they’re extremely comfortable. If you cannot handle me at my crocs, you don’t deserve me at my hump-me pumps. Personally, I would much rather wear crocs. I’d like to think that since society has unspokenly banned crocs, I’m a hipster by bringing them back. (I also heard that if you say you’re a hipster, you’re not a hipster. Well. It was nice while it lasted) Moral of the story, I think i’m going to be wearing crocs to prom.

Proper Grammar

thats the shit I do like. i actually really do like proper grammar. if youve been a frequent reader of this blog please dont judge me if me grammar aint always good. my sorries. but I mean lets be real here. no one likes texting a complete idiot. its dumb. just dumb. plus there is nothing cute and alluring about someone who cant find the right form of youre. gets youre yours right people. oh and youre theirs. thats really annoying. you know what else is annoying……..when people dont use punctuation. that makes me mad a lot. just like no stop please now. how does it feel to read this whole thing. i bet it sucks yeah. so if yur gonna talk to me at least talk to me, at least talk to me like a normal fucking human being with a formal education. Okay? Good, glad we got that cleared up.

Well, if you’ve finished reading all of this (or at least skimmed through..jerk) props to you! So if you’re one of the five people who actually read the ‘ol blog, hit me up if you find my cat obsession and croc addiction attractive. I’ll be waiting. Like always. 24/7365. Fax me, call me, text me, mores code me, smoke signal me, telegram me, vine me, instagram me or you know, whatever works. It’s cool. I’ll be waiting.

“We accept the love we think we deserve”

That quote holds a lot of meaning and it really does speak volume about each persons self-worth (or the worth they think they hold). Do what makes you happy, love what feels right and never settle for clearance (Unless what you love is having sex with dead bodies. Then stop loving that).

In the general fashion of this blog, I’ll leave you with a home-made quote to help you with your woes.

“If the person you love doesn’t capitalize your name whilst texting, it’s not meant to be”


2 Responses to “If You Can’t Handle My Crocs, You Don’t Deserve Me At My Hump-Me Pumps”

  1. Mollie HuntMollie Hunt August 18, 2013 at 1:35 pm #

    This is not spam: I am a fellow cat lover. I love your writing and came upon this opportunity to publish that you might like:

    New Teen Imprint Looking for a Great Story to Lead the Way
    Please review the guidelines carefully.
    We’re after quality stories with heart, guts, and a clear voice. We’re especially interested in the quirky and the hopeful and the real. We are not particularly interested in genre fiction and prefer stand-alone novels, unless you’ve got the next Hunger Games. We seek writers who believe in the transformative power of a great story, so show us what you’ve got.
    Prize: Winner will receive a $1,000 lump-sum prize as part of their book deal with our new imprint Elephant Rock Books YA.”

    If you become famous, can I have your autograph?


    • bandgeekbella August 18, 2013 at 2:24 pm #

      Mollie, I am so humbled to have a fellow cat lover who enjoys my writing! Thank you! I will most certainly check out that link.. Looks promising! Thank you for always providing encouraging words! Meow!
      Bella Schaefer
      Ps. If that were to ever happen, I will owe it to you.

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