Excuse Me, Waiter? Yes, I’m Extremely Thirsty

27 Aug

Romeo, Oh Romeo, Where art thou Romeo? Thou are getting on my damn nerves and if thou aren’t going to show up pretty soon, I’m going to start looking for some kinky lesbians (To all you kinky lesbians out there, I hope you find no offense. You all rock). With the end of the summer approaching fast and hell school starting soon, I’ve been thinking a lot about my social status. AK FREAKING A the lack of interaction I have with the male species (for those of you skeptics out there, I would rather not go in depth about the interactions I do or do not have with the male species. All I can say is, you kinky lesbians don’t have anything on me. word). From what I’ve been observing during my endeavors of the “teen angst stage”, most people my age (17) are settling down and finding their soulmates. Or else they’re settling down and getting chlamydia. Regardless, I really need to start getting serious about my relationship status. In a generally unorthodox fashion of this blog, I have no lists to make. I just need to vent about my observations and my thoughts on Love and the “teen angst stage”.

C is For Chlamydia

We’ve all heard (for the love of all things hormones, hopefully) of the famous line from Mean Girls about sex; “You will get chlamydia and you will die”. Well, I’m not going to name anyone in particular, but I do know some people who have clapped their fair share in their life, and they never even died. I am the proud owner of a bucket list actually and I must say, chlamydia isn’t on it. Or maybe it should be? It seems extremely glorified and hey, if all the kids who are settling down (or settling in tehe) are getting it, maybe I should, too? Alright so uh, if anyone has chlamydia just let me know and we can set up an appointment. What about herpes? I heard herpes is pretty popular and unlike a baby daddy, it actually stays with you. For anyone who is suffering from herpes currently, i’m sorry. I do feel for you…I’m never going to feel you, but I do feel for you. But hey, if you have herpes, you have a friend for life. In the words of Garth Brooks, You’ve got friends in low places.

H is For Homewrecking
For all you skeptics out there, I’m here to offer a disclaimer and a window into my personal life. Have I been “the other woman”? Yes. Did I enjoy it? Yes. Do I still enjoy it? Yes. Do I feel guilty? No. No I don’t. I’ve been on both sides of the fence I guess. I’ve been the girlfriend who found out her boyfriend was cheating and was devastated. I’ve been the girlfriend who’s been completely blindsided that my boyfriend had his own booty call for the whole relationship. I’ve also been the booty call, the homewrecker, whatever you want to call it. I’ve been the “other girlfriend” without knowing it and I’ve been led on. In my situation, never give the man the ultimatum of “it’s me or the girlfriend”. He almost ALWAYS picks the girlfriend. Strange, huh? Throughout all of my dating life, I have never, nor will I EVER cheat when I am (god bless that day) in a relationship. I take my personal commitments seriously and going against that myself would be devastating to me. But also, there are two different types of “other women”. Those who seek and those who are sought out. I can swear on my cats that I have never sought out a man who has a girlfriend, they come to me. When approached with these types of situations, I have to ask myself how much I respect this person or what I feel for the “girlfriend”. My philosophy?
It’s not homewrecking if the “home” is renting out it’s bedrooms”
Simple as that. It is not my problem that you have a low life boyfriend, it is not my problem that you are having relationship problems and can’t hold on to your man. In my case, I could be doing you a favor. Your boyfriend will either dump you, feel guilty and love you or feel guilty, dump you and fall madly in love with me. I have yet to experience the third option. Ladies, lose respect for me if you want. Yolo. I prefer swapping the term “homewrecking” with “living vicariously through other peoples relationships”. But whilst LVTOPR, it can come with some “side effects” and it’s often unpleasant. Now to those of you who are going to judge this, ask yourself this; did I ever define cheating, homewrecking, being the other woman? No. Come to whatever conclusions you want about those. Have any questions? Feel free to ask me! Cheating isn’t just physical, remember that.
S is For Student Teachers
Ever single year since kindergarten (okay, maybe not that far back) I have always hoped and prayed to all things Oprah to have an attractive student teacher introduced into class. Throughout my years of schooling, I’ve had yet to have a mildly attractive student teacher (Okay, I actually had this really awesome student teacher in 7th grade and he was AWESOME but he was more like an influential figure in my life and influential figures never have appearance factors added in). Like, is it to much to ask for? I’ve been a member of the public school system for 12 years of my life and they can’t even be respectful enough to provide some eye candy? Shameful. Just shameful. In experience this whole “teen angst stage” thing, I’ve realized the older the target is, the better. In that case, an elderly couple just moved in and I heard the husband has a really fast power scooter. Vroom. Vroom.
T is For Thirsty
Excuse me, waiter? Yes, i’m quite thirsty. Would you mind taking off your shirt? For those of you out there who aren’t familiar with the term “thirsty”, let me inform you. Along with the word “angst”, I’ve learned that “thirsty” (as well as THURSTY) is quite popular. Here is a definition from our good friend, Urban Dictionary.

To crave attention. Trying to talk to the opposite sex (most likely)
Like if a girl/guy like someone they try wayyy to hard to talk to them when the person isn’t giving them the time of day
R is For Requirements
I require a lot of work. I myself am not high maintenance, but my needs themselves are high maintenance. I require attention. So for all you feisty 17+ year old men out there, get at me. I’ve put together a good resume of myself that will really seal the deal on why i’m an optimal choice for a girlfriend. Gosh i’m just awesome.
  • I’m really good at taking selfies, so you’ll never run out of phone wallpapers. I. got. you. covered.
  • Cuddling is my thing, I will cuddle you so hard.
  • Most of the sweatshirts I wear are 7 sizes too big for me anyways, so you never have to worry about me stealing yours to wear.
  • You never have to worry use not being able to communicate because i’m available on the following apps and social media websites: Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, WordPress, Voxer, Instagram, Vine, Keek, Song Pop, Ask.fm, Intellius, Snapchat, Skype and good ol’ texting. You’ll never have to worry about not being able to get ahold of me.
  • I like to eat. End of story.
  • I might not have boobs, but I can make a really good sandwhich.
  • Twerking is my think so if we ever go clubbing, no need to keep your dick In a box.
  • I’m really good at talking dirty, sometimes I even do it while i’m doing pig chores.
  • Compassionate to cats almost as much as I would be to you.

If none of those reasons compel you to love me, I don’t know what will. Check your standards because I’m fucking awesome.

Ladies, remember, hold on to you men. Men, if you have money and would like to spend it, I”m here. I will leave you with a homemade quote that I’ve learned about love and things of that nature.
“Love is not warm, fuzzy or romantic. Love is being able to look your partner in they eye after you get your period blood on the couch and proceed to watch Teen Mom

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