Archive | September, 2013

If College Fails, I Have a Back-Up

30 Sep

I’m having too much of a writers block lately to write a lengthy post, so I organized my thoughts in a much more angsty form. Enjoy.

Why Prostitution is My Back-Up Plan

I’ve been working since I was 4.

Batting the eyelashes I don’t have and slidding down the pole

on the swingset.

I grew up and found babysitting jobs,

learning how to have sex

tuplets eat at the same time without choking.

Later, I went to school and learned how to use meth

ods of the scientific nature.

We never use it, fyi.

The teachers all say to plan for your future,

i’d rather go and eat dick

ies barbeque, man that stuff is good.

College is coming soon,

you know what that means?

Twenty-Four-Seven Nude

heels, for college speech.

If all of this doesn’t work,

I’ve found a back-up plan.

It already harnesses all the skills I’ve been learning in life,

flexible schedule, too.

Doesn’t require much college,

(I think).

I found my back-up plan.

“YOLO, as long as it’s treatable with antibiotics”

13 Things I’ve (Barely) Learned In 13 Years

3 Sep

13 years. I’ve been waiting for this day for 13 years. I say 13 years because I count in kindergarten and the pre-school era (gosh, those were glorious days, eh?).  I’ve spent millions of minutes, hours and seconds sitting in class waiting for this day to come. I’ve crammed for numerous tests and failed them, missed the bus and gotten shoved into lockers. I’ve spent 13 years of my life finding myself and you know what I get in return? Do you know what I get in return? DO YOU KNOW WHAT I GET? TWO PEPPERONIS. TWO FRICKIN PEPPERONIS. Two Martha focking pepperonis. I come to school, eat my government regulated lunch and Mrs. Obama has the AUDACITY to cut down from three pieces of pepperoni to two pepperoni? IM SORRY. SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE. IVE WAITED FOR 13 DAMN YEARS FOR THIS DAY AND I GET TWO PEPPERONIS. That’s it. I’m starting my senior slide and skipping the rest of the school year.

Being that this is quite a nostalgic day and all, I thought it would be quite fitting to make a list of the most important things I’ve learned in these beautifully horrid 13 years. So here it goes, my list of 13 Things I’ve (Barely) Learned In 13 Years.

13. Underwear Has a Hierarchy

Did you know that there are two types of floss? One type of floss you use on your teeth to get out plaque, tartar and gum from the boy you were snogging in the hallway. The other type of floss you place between your asscheeks. Who knew? In my 13 years I learned that underwear is a lose-lose situation. If you wear granny panties, you’re now in a whole new social class of your own. If you wear pants and let your panty lines show, you’ve now stooped lower than the granny-panty group. If you wear tight pants and you can’t see a trace of said knickers, you’re now a slut because everyone assumes you’re either going commando or wearing a thong. Boo, you whore. If you go commando to school (not judging, it’s very comfortable) you are now a licensed prostitute. Please take a seat and find some undies. Now if you wear a thong, you are just the right amount of whore to tease the boys and avoid granny-panty status. Good for you, you keep up the butt floss. Now if you let your thong stick out the top of your pants, GTFO. Just GTFO and go borrow some clients from the licensed prostitutes. You’re welcome.

12. Always Take The Amount of Boys You Kissed and Add Your Age

Do exactly what the title says. Trust me. And if you’ve already reached 8th grade and you haven’t kissed a boy, get out your chastity belt and throw that lock in the river. You my friend have committed social suicide for not engaging in the great American past time of kissing. It’s quite simple actually if you want to maintain your spot on the social pyramid. I’m no math genius, but the formula goes something like this:

Actual Amount of Boys Kissed + Age + A Few Girls= Social Badassery

You’re welcome.

11. Tampons Are a Girls Best Friend

Some people say diamonds are a girls best friend, but I beg to differ. If you’re a boy, dogs are no longer your best friend. Tampons. Tampons for days. I remember the exact day when I was in need of a tampon and I had my friend go into the locker room, yell as loud as humanly possible that Bella needed a tampon and that was that. Tampons were flying out of backpacks faster than 747’s take off from the runway. Ladies, I don’t care if you’ve hit early onset menopause, you carry tampons with you in your pants, bra and boots. Boys, no excuse. You wanna get laid? Well you ain’t gonna get laid without proper feminine products. Oh and ladies, if you are suddenly not needing tampons, you need to consult the boys because I have a feeling you won’t be needing tampons for 9 months or so.

10. Sweaty Armpits? Hand-dryer, my friend

Armpits are such strange things. Some people’s armpits smell bad, no ones armpits ever smell good and some even smell like tacos. If you find yourself in school (or any public setting, really) with un-naturally sweaty armpits, your local bathroom may have a solution. Have you ever used those ancient looking hand-dryers that have the twistable air spout things? Those come in handy. Simply do the following: Turn on said hand-dryer. Stand to the side of said hand-dryer and rest your arm upon the top of it. Twist the air spout thing of said hand dryer and have it blow on said sweaty armpit. Viola. You now have a dry armpit. CAUTION: IF SOMEONE WALKS IN, CASUALLY SAY “WHAT, YOU NEVER BLOWDRY YOUR ARMPITS? FREAK”. Trust me, it works every time.

9. When a Senior Boy Likes You, and You’re a Freshman, It’s Because of Your Personality

This is self-explanatory as well. You see chicklets, boys are such a strange oddity that would take me 7 lifetimes to explain. But take my advice when I say that boys over the age of 15 LOVE when a girl has a nice personality. ♥ They also love taking her out on dates, buying her tampons and listening to her feelings and life aspirations. ♥ These boys also are totally against any sort of physical contact; more clothes the better. ♥ If you’re an underclassman and an upperclassman wants to come over to your house at 3AM to discuss his feelings, he clearly likes your personality. Go get your man girlfriend, go get your man. ♥ ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

8. Lunch is Actually Really Scary

Lunch is really scary. Lunch is really damn scary. You have so many different chances for a social embarrassment. There are so many opportunities to slip, drop your tray and shoot milk out of your nose. I’ve learned to always grab extra napkins, carry your tray with both hands and never rush to your seat. Don’t even get me started if someone takes your seat at lunch. Quack, Quack spot back? Cluck, cluck you’re out of luck. Those words have graced my lunch table more times than i’d like to admit. Just believe me when I say that it is INCREDIBLY RARE to see anyone eating in the bathrooms or next to the garbage cans, like you see at movies. Also, I’ve learned that if you can’t identify what’s graced your plate, don’t eat it. Just don’t eat it. Simple as that.

7. If You Don’t Wear Make-Up You’re Sinning

So many people say that “you don’t need make-up to look beautiful!”, and I respond with, “Have you seen my face?”. I’ve tried more than once to grace the public eye without said makeup and let me tell you this, you’d rather be seen wearing crocs and granny panties. Okay well, I like wearing crocs so for some people, crocs might not be a punishment. There are only certain times when wearing no make-up is actually OK. Example:

  • Death/Funeral
  • Intense Sickness
  • Mother threw away all make-up and you’re forced to use magic marker
  • Total acceptance with no-fucks-given

When I don’t wear make-up I can’t even begin to explain how many “are you sick?” questions I get. No people, I’m not sick, I’m just not wearing make-up. Thank You.

6. Push-Up Bras Are Almost as Important as Tampons

Unfortunately, some people aren’t blessed with giant watermelons for boob (me). Some of us aren’t even blessed with small ant hills (me). Some of us have tiny excuses for boobs that look like bug bits (me). In this case, Victoria will gladly share her secret to success with you. If you haven’t been introduced to the joys of a push-up bra, you are sadly missing out. Boys think it’s cheating, I think it’s a tool for improvement. The opportunity for improvement is everywhere! In my case, my improvement lies within to chicken cutlets and fancy lace. To each their own. I’ve learned in my 13 years that push-up bras can hold your boobs, hold your phone and hold your money. Push-up bras are simply tools for success.

5. Freshman Aren’t Really as Bad as We Make Them Out to Be

yes they are.

4. Homework is Done Wherever the Home Is

In my case, School ends up being my “home” for 9 months of the year. So if homework is meant to be done at home, then technically my homework is to be done at school. Gosh, I’m a genius. I’ve learned in my 13 years that there is never a true “due date” for homework. Suck up to the teacher, participate in class and at least try to half-ass your homework. You’re golden if you can do that. Golden.

3. Leggings Are Not Pants

Imagine this: You are walking behind this good lookin’ dime, she drops her pencil. Oh no! Suddenly she realizes said pencil is on the ground and she bends over ever-so-seductively to pick up said pencil. Oh no! You realize that the cute, grey pants covering her assets are see-through! Oh no! You can see her thong! (Remember ladies and gents, seeing the thong is automatically a licensed prostitute) Suddenly you realize that it is definitely not pants that she is wearing, she is wearing leggings. You wear leggings under a cute dress or sweat-pants on a cold day. Don’t. Wear. Leggings. As. Pants. Boo. You. Whore.

2. Yoga Pants ARE Pants

Despite popular belief, yoga pants are, and should be, an accepted form of clothing. Many schools over the years of the yoga-pant sensation have banned yoga pants due to the fact that they are distracting. Here is my thoughts on the matter: Yoga pants are distracting? The pants are distracting or what’s in the pants is distracting? What they’re trying to say is that my ass just looks so good in these yoga’s that boys can’t stop watching. What are they going to do next, ban my ass? Are they going to start mandating girls leave their asses at the entrance? In my 13 years I’ve learned that everything is distracting, but a good ass is definitely a worth-while distraction. Yoga pants are pants, too. Show em’ some love people.

1. Be Yourself

I know for a fact that everyone single person who graces this earth has heard the good ol’ mantra of “be yourself”. It’s quite true, be yourself because everyone else is taken. Be yourself because no one is as cool of a person as you are. You’re never going to please everyone, but if you be yourself, you’ll please the right people. The hardest person to please? Yourself. Often times we worry about what everyone thinks and don’t take the time to worry about what WE think. The 12 things I just listed are societies views of what is right and what is wrong (half of them are what I think is right and wrong, clearly we know that as gospel) and as individualistic human beings it’s our job to decipher what we think is right and wrong. Never change yourself, always be yourself. I’ve been through way too many hardships in my life and if I would have ever stopped to change myself, I would have lost myself. Whether you’re young or old, boy or girl, black, white or purple, you are you and you is the most beautiful person you can ever be. Never second guess yourself, never apologize for your beliefs and always stick up for what you think is right. Be yourself, be true to yourself and never change yourself. Be yourself because there is no one cooler than you.

It’s crazy to think that I’ve actually learned 13 things in my life. Here’s to you Minnesota Department of Education, I learned all of this without using the Pythagorean theorem once. Whether you take what I say seriously or not, pay attention to number 1. It’s important, okay? I couldn’t have survived 13 years without it. In the general fashion of this blog, I’ll leave you with a homemade quote, it wouldn’t be a complete post without one.

“Learning stuff is really cool…until you forget it. Then you’re just dum”

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