Wrecking Ball or Wrecking Balls?

16 Oct

WARNING: THIS BLOG POST CONTAINS CRUDE HUMOR, PROFANITY AND LARGE DOSES OF SEXUAL INUENDOS. AS WELL, ALL OF YOU ASSHOLES WHO HAVE PISSED ME OFF IN THE PAST WHILE PLAY A LARGE ROLE IN THE MAKING OF THIS BLOG POST. FEEL FREE TO FIND YOURSELF AND ADMIRE THE NATURE OF YOUR ASSHOLE-NESS.

So the question stands. For those of you who dwell on this poor excuse for writing, I’m sorry it’s been so long since I’ve written anything. For those of you who actually know me, you know I’m not really sorry and quite frankly, I hate all of you. In the time since I’ve written last, a lot has happened. I’m still trying to live through my teenage angst stage thing and do you know what I’ve been learning? Everyone is dicks. (All you dicks who are apart of the grammar gestapo need to hop off my jock on that last sentence fragment there. Tenses mess me up) Even the people who don’t have dicks, they’re dicks, too. I can’t even handle people right now. Speaking of dicks, has anyone heard anything about Anthony Wiener lately? Man, that guy just grinds my gears in the worst way possible. What a sleazebag. Sorry for than rant there, I just really needed to get the word wiener off of my mind.

In the general nature of this piece of shit, I’m going to dive right into a list of things that piss me off. Enjoy you weinerholsters.

Hormones

Good golly miss molly. If you haven’t been following my journey through the teen angst stage thing, I’m sorry for you because you’re missing out. But not on hormones. By gawd this shit sucks. Hormones of any kind are pathetic excuses to make my life a living hell.

“Hello, this is hormones speaking. I’d love to take time to speak to you about what I can do to spice up your life. With 4 installments of your happiness, I can ruin your face and give you the best connect-the-dot bacne you’ll have ever experienced. Also, if you’re a male, do you enjoy wearing sweatpants? Well no more sweatpants for you! I can give you NRB (No reason boners) in the blink of an eye! Ladies, do you like mood swings and occasional mental breakdowns? Well then you’re in for a treat! I can change your mood faster than Pamela Anderson changes the size of her knockers! Happy to sad, to happy to angry within a matter of minutes! But wait, there’s more! For a small payment of dignity, you can get not one, but two stupid decisions for the price of one! Don’t like the way you’re feeling? Order some bad decisions and we can hook you up with some heroine in no time! Got family problems? Not a problem! We can supply you with a healthy dose of prostitutes and you can bang your way out of misery! Thank you for listening and we hope you join us next time so we can ruin your fucking life some more!”

Yeah, that pretty much describes my feelings at the moment. I can’t promise you what i’ll be feeling in about five minutes because that’s how often my mood changes.

Men and Sex

I could write about this subject for about a million years. I’ve decided that there are no good men/boys/males on this entire planet. They are all dicks. WAIT. They just think with their dicks. I swear, if I could, I’d run around with a machete and chop every extra limb off. I don’t care if you’re marthafocking jesus, you probably done sinned, too. I can’t even right meow.  I think the male species needs to be knocked down about four hundred notches. Hey Robin Thicke? You’re not going to be giving anything to me, because you better damn well know by now I don’t want it. I do not want to receive anything from you in a boat, on a plane, on a ship or on top of a train. I do not want you giving anything to me in the dark, in the light, in the bus or flying a kite. I will get my machete and I will show you that I cannot be tamed (that one is for you miley). Believe it or not, not all girls want to engage in sexual acts just because you’ve got a marthafocking anaconda in your pants. Believe it or not, some of us actually find the massive rolling pin in your pants repulsive and we’d rather chops our boobs off with machetes because that’s the only way we’d be able to “calm our tits”. But obviously for some men, they can’t get sex off of their one track minds long enough to maintain a healthy, loving relationship because GAWD FORBID YOU CAN’T HAVE FUN WITHOUT FUCKING LIKE GORILLA’S. There’s some feministy quote out there about “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”. I may or may not be a woman scorned. But ITS OKAY because it’s not like the douchebag who scorned me is intellectual enough to read something other than the categories on PornHub. But it’s okay, I am a sassy, independent woman who don’t need no man. Especially when the man boy dumps her and gives her no reason but later she finds out that he dumped her because certain “goals” weren’t met and he was stupid enough to talk about said dumping at the lunch table. What I have learned through the teen angst stage is that status is everything. I’m sorry but, you’re a younger lad who is was dating a senior lass? Ha. Boy, aren’t you dumb. But this is all theoretical of course. If this was a real situation, I’d tell him he made one hell of a mistake because this lass is actually really fucking awesome if you look past the fact that she smells like tacos and cats way too often.

Girls and Sex

If I was just an outside observer, i’d say sex is ruining everyone’s life. OH WAIT, all these damn hormones are running my brain so of course sex is ruining everyones life. Girls are such bitches. If you want to get technical about the term “Bitch”, yes, girls are still bitches. They are all female dogs and they are all in heat one hundred percent of the time. End of story. Girls are never satisfied with anything, ever. If we could please forget that I am a girl for a second here, that would be greatly appreciated because i’d like to think that I am not a girl. Let’s not label me as a girl or a boy. Can I just be a cat? Okay, thanks. Girls are so caught up in the gossip and being assholes to other girls. You know why girls are especially sneaky? They think that just because they pretty, they be getting all dem boyz (I’m sorry for the grammatical nature of this part of the blog. I’ve been experimenting slang and ebonics). No. Just because you’re pretty does not mean that you’re awesome. All them boyz be thinking they wanna get in yo pants but little did they know that you’re vagina is like an echo. No one be likin an overly flirty girl. Remember that machete? Yeah, hide you tits. Because we be cutting all them titties off. Oofta. Ima go hit a flock of amish pretty soon.

Sad Music and Hormones

So here I am thinking that I can write this entire post without crying. Yeah, my bad.

“Hormones again! We’re here to not only fuck up your face and back, but we’re also here to change your mood with every song that changes!”

Not only do I have good taste in cat breeds, but I also have good taste in music. If you don’t think I have good taste in either, then you can go snort some lines because your opinion is irrelevant. Here’s some music that makes me cry.

  • Demons by Imagine Dragons
  • Best I Ever Had by Gavin DeGraw
  • You Found Me by The Fray
  • Chasing Cars by Snow Patrol
  • Mad World by Michael Andrews
  • Battle Scars by Lupe Fiasco
  • Bleeding Out by Imagine Dragons
  • Every Image Dragons Song
  • If I lose Myself by One Rebublic
  • Counting Stars by One Republic
  • Next To Me by Emile Sande
  • Bedroom Hymns by Florence + The Machines
  • Blood Bank by Bon Iver
  • Skinny Love by Bon Iver
  • Thistle and Weeds by Mumford and Sons
  • Mirror by Lil Wayne

If you have any questions about my choice of music, feel free to contact me. And yes, Lil Wayne speaks to the soul.

Society

People are so mean. Throughout the teen angst process, I have learned that being mean is a strong component for becoming a part of the social norm. No. No no no no no no no. This is not okay. If you think being mean is okay, you deserve to be shit on by the worlds largest elephant. Enough said. People need to realize that it’s okay to be different. I’m sure that a lot of people have different views on society and the views it holds. I’m sure this chunk of the post is going to sound extremely cliché, and that’s okay. Believe it or not, I am like an onion ( a lot less smelly though and I cost less per pound). While it’s nice to act like an asshole from time to time, hate the world and use sarcasm more than I use shampoo, it’s also nice to be different. Do you know what different means to me? Doing something that everyone else isn’t doing. What I’ve really learned in the middle of the teen angst stage is that all of the people around me are afraid to do something that is against the grain, something embarrassing or something awkward. I’ve got all of that covered because I’m awkward as fuck. I’ll let everyone in on a little tidbit of my life. As you may or may not have known, last year I was a part of my school’s adapted bowling team. Yes, adapted bowling team. If you haven’t followed any posts, I’ve been blessed with a variety of things that make me special such as arthritis and ehlers-danlos syndrome (the EDS isn’t as big of a problem as the arthritis. The arthritis is crimpin my style). I say “blessed” because I wouldn’t be the person that I am today. Some people chose to say “suffer from” or “deal with”, I just prefer to say “blessed with”. It’s a choice of words, none of the above is incorrect. Back to the bowling. When I first joined, I was skeptical because I didn’t know what my peers would thinks of me. After the season got over and our team went to state, I can honestly say that that team was one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever been a part of. Competing with “those retards” (I don’t hate a lot of things, but when people break out the R word, I get utterly disgusted. Cut out the R word) was one of the best things that has ever happened to me. At that point, I didn’t care that I was seen with “them” because that was my team, my friends and a close family. Relating this back to society and the teen angst stage, so many kids my age would be embarrassed as hell to be seen with kids with mental and physical disabilities. My old Jazz Band teacher and the man I credit for teaching me the fundamentals of music taught me something I will never forget:

Leave your ego at the door, it’s no use”

Leave your ego at the door and stop caring what everyone else thinks. Don’t be Mr. Shadows and live from behind a cloud. Step outside, into the sun and be Mr. Skin Cancer and dance in the sun and soak up all the UV rays because life is awesome like that. Do you know who does that? As much as everyone hates her, Miley Cyrus does a fantastic job of demonstrating this. She isn’t just riding a wrecking ball, she’s straight up wrecking societies balls in the process. You go baby, you go.

Well folks, I think I’ve exercised all of my demons. Remember, If you think you’ve got life bad, you’ve never had a corn rash, okay? If you don’t know what corn rash is, google it. I will leave you in the only way I know how, with a homemade quote. Before I do, if you’ve read this whole thing, I thank you. You are why I still write. Just kidding, I write for me because honey badger don’t give a fuck. If you didn’t read this whole thing, go eat some cocaine cookies and get off of my blog.

“When life knocks you on your knees, stay there. It’s safer anyways and sometime you find snacks on the ground”

One Response to “Wrecking Ball or Wrecking Balls?”

  1. TheSundayPaper October 31, 2013 at 5:13 am #

    Girl you need to start enjoying life more and quit your whining… Teen angst? Sounds more like you’re fucking going through menopauze. You’re hurt and mad… We get it.. Smoke a blunt and move on.

Tell me what you think! Unless you're going to be stupid, then don't tell me what you think.

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Maisy's Mom

Dirty Diapers, Crafts and Soul Searching (But mostly diapers)

Just a dreaming teenage wallflower

If your dreams don't scare you, they aren't big enough

Matt on Not-WordPress

Stuff and things.

David Gaughran

Let's Get Digital

%d bloggers like this: