Archive | February, 2014

Addiction is More Than 9 Letters

28 Feb

Preface: Ignore all spelling and grammatical errors. Proofreading is not my friend today and I’m sure as hell not going to decide to be a part of the grammar gestapo tonight. Too many feels.

So I haven’t been on the ol’ blog in almost a month and I’m going to be quite frank; this teenage angst stage thing really has me drowning in a pool of imbalanced chemicals and terribly wretched hormones.  So I’m sorry that I haven’t been spitting out any good material lately! This is a personal blog, right? Ha. This is my blog and what I say goes so yes, this is my personal blog and I use it to vent my personal problems while everyone finds humor in my creatively-worded tragic life events. And, due to the fact that I release all of my stress through words on a public domain (because that’s what all the cool people do, air their dirty laundry in public). Fuck. I just forgot what I was saying. That’s actually what I’m gonna vent about. I can’t remember shit lately and to be quite honest, the worst feeling in the world is knowing that you don’t have you marbles in the same jar.

Have you ever been at a point in your life when you’ve finally been content? You’re not completely happy, yet you’re not completely sad, but you’re content. You finally feel like you’ve gotten over your grief, settled most of your grievances and let go of the grudges you’ve held onto for quite sometime? AND THEN SOME DOUCHE COMES IN AND MESSES UP YOUR ENTIRE LIFE AND SHITS IN YOUR CEREAL AND MAKES ALL OF THE FLOWERS WILT AND DROPS SYMBOLISTIC ACID ON YOUR TONGUE AND THEN ALL OF THE WORK THAT YOU PUT INTO BEING HAPPY IS SUDDENLY DESTROYED AND YOU’RE ANGRY BECAUSE WHO DOES THIS SALLY THINK HE IS COMING IN AND SHITTING IN YOUR CEREAL LIKE WHO DOES THAT, WALKING AROUND LIKE HE OWNS YOUR CEREAL BOWL WHEN NO YOU ARE A SASSY INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DIDN’T NEED HIS SHIT. So that pretty much sums up my life metaphorically speaking. For the record, no one really “shit” in my cereal bowl. I’m sure I’ve referenced this in previous posts and whether you’ve put pieces together or not, I hate people. Just kidding. I’ve been struggling with someone for quite sometime and it has it’s ups and downs and it’s moments, but it’s at a crossroads. Hence, it is my fourteenth epiphany this week. If you’re not all about reading my personal life, stop reading. If you would like to continue, feel free. So I was in this really fucked up, awkward, unexplainable relationship (meh, that’s a gross word. I don’t know what it was. Is. We’re still sorting that out) basically, it consisted of me falling (he tripped me. It was a trip, not a fall) for him, him not knowing how to be a decent human being and admit he had feelings too and then he left for rehab because he’s a drug addict. So, I had one of the worst summers of my entire life because the person that I attached myself to left for four months and I had no contact with him the entire time. BUT, I’m supposed to keep telling myself that it’s a good thing that he’s in treatment because he’s SUPPOSED to be getting better and it’ll “change” him. Yeah, okay. I spend my entire time talking to his family, supporting him in any way that I can and not giving up on him like EVERYONE else had (has) and keeping my faith in him because, hey, everyone needs someone to believe in them, right? Wrong. He get’s back from treatment (and of course he writes a facebook status about it, completely ignoring the fact that I’ve sent him weekly messages of support) and the conversation goes like this:

Bella: Hey, glad you’re home from treatment and I hope everything went well.

Him: Yeah.

Four letters and a period. Four. Words. And. A. Period. I spend months supporting, loving and believing in someone who doesn’t have the decency to at least say HEY or HI or GO DIE. Nope. So, in that moment I cried. A lot. Ha. A lot is an understatement. But, I tried telling myself that he wasn’t worth it, he wasn’t worth my time and that I am a sassy, independent woman that don’t need no man. HAHAHAH. HAHAHAHAHAHHAHA. That doesn’t work and no matter how much you tell yourself that is does, it doesn’t. You try to pick yourself up as best you can and move forward. So that’s what I tried to do. I tried dating other people, doing other things to take my mind off the fact that I never received closure from anything and tried blocking him out of my head. I ignored him in the hallways and when people would tell me that he was talking about me, I told them I didn’t want to hear it. The subject was sore and it was something I tried to repress. I heard he was getting back into drugs again and drinking and half of me was like oh wow, I knew it. The other half of me died a little inside because I knew this kid like the back of my hand; he is one of the most musically talented I know. This kid never failed to make me so damn happy, even when he was pissing me off with every ounce of my being. The only person I couldn’t stay mad at no matter how hard I tried. I promised him before he left that I would never give up on him, ever. I told him whenever I got the chance, that I wasn’t ever gonna let go no matter what the circumstance was and no matter what happened, I believe in him and I wasn’t giving up. And for months after he came back I kept telling myself that I gave up, that he was hopeless and he was a lost cause; no hope. I firmly believe that the day that I FINALLY convinced myself that I gave and let go of him, was the day that he decided to come back into my damn life. It wasn’t even a nonchalant way of doing things, it was extremely straightforward and when his name popped on my phone, I think I went a little neurotic. At that moment, I realized that no matter how hard I tried to convince myself, I will NEVER give up on that kid. It’s crazy because no one will ever understand that kid like I do. He is a complete prick, I totally admit it. A complete asshole. I can’t even begin to explain how much this kid pisses me off. But he is also one of the most beautiful people I know and he has more to offer to the world then people want to see. I think the world of this kid and everyone will always judge the situation and judge me for my choices, but no one will ever understand our relationship. Are we in the process of sorting things out? Yes. Is it easy? Hell no. Not one bit. He finally realizes how he treated me like absolute shit and that I was the best thing in his life, but he still hasn’t made a conscience effort to want to turn his life around and stop being an addict. Thankfully, I’ve learned from last time and am still extremely guarded and am not going to let him into my life that easy. Simply put, if he meant everything he’s said and wants to prove to me he wants me, he’s got to work for it. And “wanting me” doesn’t necessarily have any kind of romantic connotation. We started out as friends and that’s what he lost overall, a friend.

Addiction is such a mind boggling thing. Addiction is so commonly misunderstood, that’s the hardest part of it all. People think if they give an addict an ultimatum, they’ll get the result they want. You can’t say “It’s either me or (INSERT ADDICTION HERE)”. Naïve people always tell me, “Well, just say to pick you or drugs”. Ha, okay. Clearly if you give a drug addict the choice of a girl or a bottle of pills, they’re clearly gonna pick the pills. Watching an addict throw their life away is probably the hardest part and you can all say it, probably not the smartest choice to stick around and watch the downward spiral. I keep asking myself all of the time exactly WHY I stick around but honestly, I don’t know? I don’t even know if it’s something Freud can help me with because it’s so mind-boggling. I don’t know why I stay. I don’t know why I let someone back into my life when I was finally at peace, but I am a firm believer that the moment I gave up was the moment he came back. Addiction all starts with one choice, one really stupid choice and soon, it blossoms into a lifetime of struggle and pain. Obviously, I can’t speak from exact personal experience but I can say that I watched it firsthand and I watched what it does to a person. It rips families apart and takes a future and flushes it down the toilet. It takes lives, breaks lives and makes living unbearable. I think the biggest pet peeve is when someone says that an addict is an addict because they choose to be. As I stated earlier, it’s a stupid choice that turns into a lifetime of chaos and from there on, you’re screwed. After that one stupid choice, why would someone choose to then throw the rest of their life away? Go to the google and look at what Meth does to the brain and you then try to tell me that someone chooses to feel like they have bugs crawling on their face. Yeah, didn’t think so.

I know the exact thoughts running through your head right now, too. I’m a stupid teenage girl who gets involved with stupid people and have no reason to complain when I brought this all upon myself. And you’re right. I know that you’re sitting here reading this and saying that I’m complaining about playing with fire and getting burned when I walked up and sat around the campfire in the first place. It’s so strange because I have been able to walk away from so, so, so many people in my life. How many girls do you know that have been able to leave a physically and emotionally abusive relationship at the age of 14? Well if you didn’t know one before that sentence, you do now. How many girls do you know that perform a speech every goddamn Saturday at 9AM that reflects their experience with rape and their experience with rape culture at the ripe ol’ age of 17? So answer me this; why is it so goddamn hard for me to walk away from a person that is so deep into addiction that only the grace of God can save them?

Addiction is so much more than nine letters. So much more.


Pedophiles, This Post is For You

3 Feb

If you clicked on this, I’m ashamed. Very ashamed. Shame. But on a more serious note, this post is going to be very short.

I was recently clicking through my stats and notifications on the ol’ blog here and I came across all of my search engine hits. Whoa is all I can say. Whoa.

(Search engine hits means that when people type certain things into the google, they can find my blog. So people type in some strange shit and find my blog)

Blog Picture 3 Blown UpBlog Picture 2 Blown up

Now you are going to have to zoom into the pictures but let me tell you…they are worth it.

Happy Monday, you icky peasants.

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