Archive | March, 2014

I Used to Bleed Beautiful Colors

19 Mar

I used to bleed beautiful colors;

colors that  bled a beautiful red and healed a beautiful bronze scab,

eventually leaving a beige trace of a wound.

I used to bleed the most beautiful words;

wonderful soliloquies, sonets, sounds.

It’s strange because I bled beautiful colors;

beautiful blurs, beautiful bruises, beautiful blood.

I used to bleed beautiful thoughts;

images of beautiful people, places, thoughts.

I used to bleed beautiful blood;

full of living, laughing, loving.

I used to bleed the most beautiful blood;

Free of toxic waste, tainted thoughts, trickles of immortality.

I used to bleed the most beautiful opportunities;

endless horizons.

I now bleed black blood;

blistered hands, dripping wounds, bloodshot eyes.

I now bleed black blood;

cloudy thoughts, panicked sounds,

ugly images of myself flashing in the mirror.

I now bleed black blood

that pumps through my heart like a plague.

Ring around the rosey,

my sanity fell out in a patch of poseys.

I used to bleed beautiful blood.

Beautiful blood turned bleak blood,

turned black blood.

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What a Beautiful Mess

10 Mar

A mess. What a mess my life has turned into lately. What a beautiful mess. It’s quite strange though because amongst the rubble and chaos of my life, I’m still trying to find beauty? I’ve sat and dug through the heaps of hurt and picked open old wounds in attempt to try to make sense of this mess, this beautiful mess. It’s so strange to think because out of the 17 years I’ve been in existence, this is the lowest I’ve felt on the proverbial totem pole. But still, among the rubble and ruins of my shattered life, I’m still trying to push through. You know the movie Wall-E, the one with the little robot and he’s all alone in the world with no one to have by his side? Then all of the sudden, Wall-E finds this frail little flower and he immediately scoops it up (in a boot, nonetheless) and treasures it with his life. I feel like a little Wall-E who is stuck in miles and miles of garbage just waiting for the stupid little flower to make the rest of my life worth it. It’s not event the fact that I don’t think my life is worth it already, but I feel like everything is at a stand-still. I’m pretty sure this isn’t “just a phase”, because I would have a lot more faith in the human race if everyone goes through this exact “phase”. I feel lost, like I’m in the middle of an identity crisis or something; I know who I am and what my social security card says, but I don’t know who I am. If I were to be sliced right down the center and left open to bleed, no means of identifying my exterior, I would not be able to identify myself from the inside. Majority of you are going to think that’s absolutely disgusting, like why would someone want to split me down the center and take a gander at my intestines? It’s the fact of digging deeper into that thought though. I mean, if you get rid of the blood and the guts and the gore, I’m pretty sure there’s some sort of soul way down in there? I know that in Grays Anatomy they don’t have a section on “the soul”, but I’m pretty sure it’s something that everyone has.

Then all of this makes me question if people do have souls or not? Do all people have souls? Part of me wants to put so much faith into the human race and in the blink of an eye I want to take it all away.

Mahatma Gandhi

“You must not lose faith in humanity. Humanity is like an ocean; if a few drops of the ocean are dirty, the ocean does not become dirty.”

―     Mahatma Gandhi

Gandhi, you sneaky bastard. It is one of the most fantastic things to ponder, though. Scary, but fantastic. Who is to say that just because of a few bad eggs, the entire carton is bad? Faith is such a mind-boggling phenomena, in my opinion. So much of faith is blind and relies on trust. When you put faith into something, you’re going in blind. Not just blind, but you’re going in deaf and blind and mute and you have no clue what you’re getting yourself into. I just find it so astonishing that so many people blindly put faith into so many things; not necessarily even religious types of faith, but just…faith. People put faith into the fact that the two dollar lottery ticket that they bought could win them billions of dollars. It’s simple acts of faith that keep a person moving, I think it’s human nature to want to be able to put faith in and get out exactly what you receive. But what happens when you put so much faith into something, or someone, and you get reciprocated nothing. When Gandhi said that humanity is like an ocean, you have to then wonder what type of faith this man put into the world? As humans, we expect a pay-out or  a return; it’s human nature. Every move, moment, action is propelled by a want, wish or need. Someone is not just motivated to do something for no reason–they make a decision to either benefit themselves or someone else. When you put faith into something, why are you putting faith into something? Is it to benefit you, or to benefit someone else?
How many times does it take to put faith into something and come out with no return before you give up? But wait, if you give up, you’re labeled as someone who gives up; someone who’s cynical on life and left with a callused heart. But wait, is it your fault that you poured yourself into something and never got something back in return? No. The answer is no. When you put faith into something, you do it blindly. I feel like when you put faith into something, you don’t care about the fact that you’re traveling into the metaphoric cave with no lantern, all you care about is the fact that you’re going into that cave whether or not everyone told you to do so. You’re making your own decision and the fact that you walked into the cave in the first place, THAT is the biggest step in itself. It’s the thrill of the unknown. It’s also the fear of the unknown. Here’s the thing though; if the threat of the unknown was so large, no one would take the first step. No one would venture into the cave. But people still do it. You know why? We want to go into the cave, trip and stumble along the way and feel the smooth walls and the sharp edges. We want to go into the cave and feel lost, alone and afraid because we know we’re doing it on our own and that at the end, we will be the strongest person we will have ever been. We want to go into the cave because we have so much hope. We have hope that when we get into the heart of the cave, the reward we find will be worth every single stumble and sharp edge, every panicked moment and every lonesome step. As humans, we put so much faith into the fact that the reward will make up for every hardship along the way.
What happens when it doesn’t? What happens when you tripped and stumbled your way through the cave and cut your hands feeling the sharp edges? What happens when you get to the heart of the cave, after stumbling in miles of darkness, and find that the reward you were looking for was simply a dead-end; not an exit. What the hell do you do then? You spent so much time and effort making this journey, feeling every single drop of blood drip from your body and then what? There is no manual for what happens then. There is no explanation for this. No one ever tells you what happens when you put faith in something and it turns out to be a dead end, not worth putting faith into in the first place. There is not one explanation that helps with that. So what do you do?
What do you do? How am I even able to devise a plan to explain what to do then? You do what humans do. You pick yourself up, dust yourself off and keep moving. Even if you’re sitting at the bottom of the cave, bloody and crushed, you pick yourself up and you turn around and find your way back to the beginning. You started from somewhere, you can get back to somewhere. If you can put so much blind faith into something so uncertain, you can put faith into something so very certain. You walk back up the cave, saying goodbye to every sharp edge and jagged turn and you say goodbye. You say goodbye to all the good moments, all of the strength you built in that goddamn cave and you say goodbye. You curse every single rock you tripped over and you let go of every memory you had a long the way. Then finally, you make your way to the opening. You stumbled back up for miles to get to this point. You open your eyes after being shut off in the darkness for so long and you open your eyes. You let the simplest of sounds fill your ears and you finally speak. You came out of this cave and survived. So it’s time to open your eyes and look at the beauty around you. It’s time to open your ears and listen to reality and it’s time to start speaking after being silenced for so long. You’ve been in the cave for too long; it’s time to come out.
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