I’m Lost, But I Don’t Need Help Finding My Way

12 Apr

A little fun fact about me: as much as I like organization and outlines in a clear hierarchy, I also love flow writing and letting whatever comes to my mind come out in no particular order.

Awhile back, I wrote a really crazy, bold post about my struggles that I was having at the time and writing an open letter was a good way to express my feelings without disclosing any details.

“It is easy to write. Just sit in front of your typewriter and bleed.” 

So simply put, I believe in the process of sitting down in front of your “typewrite” and bleeding. I believe and have put so much faith into the fact that if you can express your feelings in words, you can do anything in life because some of the most important things go unspoken. While it may be true that “when words fail, music speaks”, it is also true that when the music stops, all you have left is the stupid verbs, nouns and adjectives that you use to define your entire life. At the end of the day, all a person has is their name and their voice. If you don’t have your sense of identity and the ability to speak your mind and advocate for yourself and others, what do you have? Are you an individual or are you just another one of those pre-fabricated drones that allows opinions and the idea of stereotypical normalcy to shape you? When you lose your sense of identity, you lose your ability to use your voice and when you lose your ability to use your voice, you lose your ability to set yourself apart from the 7 billion voices on this planet.

It’s common to have a mid-life crisis, right? It’s normally to come to the realization that you’re no longer youthful, right? Is it normal to be so early in life yet so late in thinking? You know, it’s coming up on the marking of my one-year with the ol’ blog and the journey with this whole teen angst stage. Hell, I’m on the cusp of becoming a legal, adult member of society. In this one year, this one long and eye-opening year, I have learned that this journey doesn’t have chapters. This journey isn’t an open book that has volumes and chapters. This journey doesn’t have an “unabridged” version because this journey is still being written. You can’t put nomenclature on something that is still in the works, you just can’t.  This journey started from the day I started thinking for myself as an individual. Many people would care to argue that my journey started at conception, at birth, at first breath but I care to differ. My journey started when I was able to recall my first memory; my first thought free of influence. My journey started and I’m honestly at the very beginning. And you know what? I want my journey to be fucking beautiful. Spectacular. I want my journey to be fucking breathtaking because I refuse to let the storybook of my life be anything less. When people look at my journey, I want them to wonder how I did it; how I made it through alive. People will look back at my journey and realize that none of it was easy and the word hard is an understatement. I want people to look back at me and be dumbfounded on how I did it and how the hell I made it out alive.

Do you know what I find beautiful? Absolutely astonishing, beautiful is an understatement. I find the simple and contradicting, irreducible complexity of the human beautiful. I’d say that being a human is beautiful, but what’s more beautiful is that there are few humans who can label themselves and whom others can label as astonishing. As humans and individuals, we manage to be knocked down so far that it looks as if our spine malfunctions from the waist down and yet, we seem to crawl ourselves out until our fingernails are so broken and the pads of our fingers and ripped raw to the bone. Now I know that unfortunately, some humans don’t make it out. Some humans get knocked so far down and instead of having been paralyzed from the waist down, they’re paralyzed from the top of the head to the bottom of the chest. Some humans are knocked so far down that the two components that make up every muscle, movement and minute of our bodies existence are frozen to an incapacitating measure. When the brain stops, the muscles stop. Not only do the muscles stop, but logic, feelings of love and living stop in the process. When the brain stops functioning, the heart doesn’t have anything to act out it’s feelings and deepest desires. It’s like wifi and a cellphone. A cellphone is a plethora of knowledge waiting to be released and it’s just waiting for the moment to send its information to the right places and things. When it connects to wifi, it has a mode of transportation, a link. Our hearts are cellphones and our brains are the wifi. Our hearts have all of the capabilities and yeah, sometimes they need an update, break down momentarily and malfunction. Without a connection, the two are worthless. If your head and your heart don’t connect, what are you left with? You’re left at the bottom of a hole with no way out. Those humans that don’t make it out of that hole are not weak. They are not cowards. They are not defeated. Those humans are brains and hearts that never got the chance to connect and in turn, they acted as individuals and not as one. One of my favorite quotes come from a show about drug addiction and addicts in general and something that really struck me was something the main person in the show said.

“You’re not giving up, you know when to surrender to the fight”

Knowing when to surrender takes more strength than anyone will ever realize. Being able to look the obstacle in the eye and accept that fact that there is no winner is something that no words can begin to describe; no cacophony of sounds will ever be able to please an ear. If anyone ever tells me that I have given up, I will look them straight in the eyes and gaze right into their soul because in that moment they will know that I did not give up. I never gave up. I fought a battle and I won. I didn’t win because I came out victorious but I won because I was able to accept my defeat and sit down. A strong person is able to find their weaknesses, but a stronger person is able to make their weaknesses their strengths.

I am not giving up. I will not give up. I have way too many thoughts and emotions and feelings that the world hasn’t experienced yet. And here’s what I’m going to admit. I am extremely, extremely lost right now. My life up until this point has not been a cake walk and for the longest time I thought I knew who I was. The fact that I’m just now trying to deal with things that have haunted me for way, way too long is something that I don’t wish upon anyone. The fact that I can’t even look myself in the mirror and recognize the smile I put on and the reflection in my eye is something I never thought I’d have to go through. Being able to say you don’t recognize yourself because of change is thing, but not being able to recognize everything that you built yourself on is another. You spend your life finding the morals and concrete principles that you try to use as your moral compass. Well what happens when you moral compass is broken? What happens when that light you watch in the sky to guide you goes dim and the road you’re traveling on begins to fade. What do you do then? No one ever tells your that it’s going to be easy, but they also don’t tell you it’s gonna be this hard. Sure, in ten years I might look back on this in ten years and say wow, look at how far I’ve come and wow, look at how little those obstacles were. Hell, in ten years I might still be stuck not knowing how I am. I hope to hell I’m around in ten years is all I can say.

So I admit it. I’m lost. I’m really, really lost and I’m looking for myself. If any of you see her, let me know that she needs to come home. And as I sit her and bleed all over this keyboard and I let all of my tears flood the cheeks that used to hold smiles, I realize that I am very, very lost. I am lost but please don’t try to help me because I’m gonna do it on my own and I’m going to find my way. I will find my way and you will watch me, you will all watch me and realize how beautiful struggle really is.

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