I’m Feeling Really ******* Sad

14 Jul

Coming up with a good title to a post is always the hardest part. Because the process usually goes something like…

*type type type* Everyone is Dicks. *type type type* My Period is making me write this. *type type type* My Vagina is Holding Me Hostage.

So all in all, I end up surrendering to my vagina and make a more suitable title. In this instance, there was nothing I could possible say that wasn’t banned by public broadcasting and most censorship regulations. That being said, there was nothing that I could possibly say that wasn’t NC-17 rated. For those of you not familiar with your MPAA ratings, look it up.

I’m gonna be completely honest here. I’m feeling under the weather lately. Which anyone who knows me would go, “well no shit shirlock, you live in Minnesota. Everyone is under the weather”. But, in true optimistic fashion, I must remain positive. I mean, my life is pretty great. I just got dumped via “the boys” saying “if you don’t dump her, we’re gonna be mad”, which means more time for the cats. All five of them. BOO. YA. Looks like I can’t afford to go to college, AKA more time to spend with the cats. DOUBLE BOO YA. I ordered a considerable amount of clothing via online shopping that is non-returnable for my then boyfriend AND THEN the day he dumped me, the shipment confirmed. At least I know my email is up and running, so that’s a big plus. The car accident left my back really messed up but on the bright side, my bumper now looks FANTASTIC. I got hemorrhoids from sitting in the car for 17 hours on the recent vacation I took and on the bright side… Okay, there is no bright side. There is no damn bright side to having a hemorrhoid. There is absolutely no bright side to having something so small and painful on your not-so-bright side. But hey, at least I’m not constipated.

You know, everyone always talks about how there’s always a bright side. Yes, life is an absolutely beautiful thing and there are generally bright sides to every situation in life, it just depends how you look at it. But, there a moments when life doesn’t always have a bright side. We’ve all been there at some point in our life; nothing is going right and there’s no point to anything. Anyone who says they haven’t ever felt that way is an L7 weenie. But when do you draw the line between not wanting to take the effort to find the bright side and not being able to find the bright side? I’m going to be completely honest, I’m sure you can guess the topic and I’m sure a lot of you are trying to click away as fast as possible because hey, who want’s to read about being really fucking sad? Well, we need to talk a bout being really fucking sad because even though it’s a topic people are trying to familiarize society with, it’s not talked about enough and it’s not accepted enough. First, we need to realize that the stigma of being “sad” or “really fucking sad” or “mentally ill” is never going to go away. No one is truly going to understand your shoes because no two shoes are exactly the same. Second, we need to realize that it’s time to stop being afraid to talk about it. We need to stop using “it” as a filler for technical terms. Yes, there are so many different programs and campaigns that try to educate people and teach those with mental illness to not be ashamed. But at the end of the day, people suffering from mental illness will always be ashamed. We will always feel lower than those who are not mentally ill. And do you know why  we will always feel lower than those not affected? Because we can’t help it. I love that today’s culture is trying to understand and appreciate people with mental illness, I really do, but how many of you with mental illness feel comfortable talking to people about what you’re dealing with? How many people feel safe enough to confide in someone and not feel scrutinized? How many out there can openly say, “Well, this new dose of Zoloft is really giving me the shits”,  without being looked at funny for being on Zoloft…not even the fact that we openly admit to having the shits. No wonder why people with depression have a hard time getting out of the funk…our medication leaves us with the shits and a half-limp dick (that’s for you my male friends).

I’m pretty open with the state of my brain. I’m pretty open with the fact that sometimes I can’t get out of bed because it is physically and emotionally painful. I’m extremely open with the fact that most days, I don’t answer telephone calls or text messages/social media notifications because the anxiety gives me heart palpitations enough to kick-start a lawnmower. Somedays, I don’t eat because the though of food makes me cringe and somedays, I can’t stop eating. I’m crabby, then I’m happy and then I’m stuck on the couch. I admit that I like to have control of my life and I don’t like change. I can’t handle fast-paced decisions and I don’t particularly enjoy hanging out with large crowds of people anymore. I wasn’t always like this though, and that’s the most mind-boggling fact of this entire ordeal. I never thought that I’d be the type of person to sit in bed all day, literally speaking. I never thought I’d be the type of person to instantly let a situation make me sad and cry instead of fighting back and staying strong, like I normally did. Being open with who I am doesn’t make it any easier, though. And as a disclaimer, who I am isn’t comprised of what I have. That is the most important part to remember when you’re dealing with any sort of mental illness. You are not your mental illness. You are not another statistic and you are not anything that you don’t want to be.

In times of crisis or trauma or just a straight up bad day, finding the bright side to any situation can be extremely hard because if you’re dealing with any sort of mental illness, there may not be an attainable bright side. I believe that the human mind is capable of SO many things and I think that people are capable of a lot of things. I have a strong belief in a sense of self and relying on your inner strength to get you through tough times, but I also know that sometimes, inner strength isn’t enough. I’ll be honest in saying that recently, thinking about the future is impossible. Thinking about continuing life like this and not being able to imagine tomorrow is exhausting. Not only is it a physical type of exhaustion, but my mind is tired. The pit in the bottom of my stomach has fell asleep and sits there weighing me down. I know deep down that i’ll get through this, because I always do, but it’s extremely hard. So before you think that there is always a bright side to everything, take a step back and realize that sometimes, bright sides are hidden by really stormy clouds.

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5 Responses to “I’m Feeling Really ******* Sad”

  1. Brandon Toscano July 15, 2014 at 3:43 am #

    Very good post. I understand where you’re coming from. I know everyone says that but it was very odd in the way you wrote this, it felt like I wrote it. I learned something though, people always say don’t be sad, you’ll be fine etc but I think you NEED to be sad sometimes. I know that may seem odd to say but for me at least I do my best thinking in that mood, mainly because I reflect and that’s what is needed to move on from any situation. Sometimes it takes certain people longer to understand and move on, like some when they get dumped have no problems getting right back into it, everyone is different. I totally agree with you on the stigma around being sad, I too was always apprehensive to tell anyone what I was dealing with(still am sometimes) for me personally I can see why people don’t like to share because it makes you look weak, however admitting you are dealing with something is not a sign of weakness, being honest when it comes to yourself on that level takes courage. 🙂

    • bandgeekbella July 16, 2014 at 8:46 pm #

      Hello, Brandon!
      Thank you so much for your kind words, I truly do appreciate them. I TOTALLY agree that sometimes, your body needs to be sad. The mind needs to have time to feel sadness in order to work through its natural thought process and problem solving period. I don’t think it’s odd to be in your best thinking when you’re sad because I do feel more reflective and such! Everyone is different, it just depends the person. It took me a long time to open up to what I deal with on a daily basis and I learned that if you are open and honest with other people, chances are you will be more open and honest with yourself. It’s definitely a level of commitment to yourself and it always feels so much better. Thanks again!

      • Brandon Toscano July 16, 2014 at 8:50 pm #

        Anytime, ;).

  2. Mollie Hunt July 21, 2014 at 9:27 pm #

    I have SAD (severe anxiety disorder). I’ve had it all my life (I’m 62) and only now that it took me by surprise for the 200th time, do I realize I will live on this razor’s edge of the abyss for the rest of my days. Rats. At least it comes and goes. And there are always the cats. Thank God for the cats.

    • bandgeekbella July 22, 2014 at 11:58 am #

      I’m sorry to hear about your SAD! Anxiety comes and goes in my life and every time it creeps up on me. It’s a struggle that will continue for the rest of our lives and it will unfortunately not get better with time. But hey, we have cats, right? Take care, Mollie! 🙂

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