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I Left Hell and Relocated

19 Aug

For those of you who don’t know, I recently relocated from my home about 900 miles. On August 8th, I packed up my car and began a two day journey down to my favorite edge of the earth. I only pissed my pants slightly on the drive down being that the furthest I had ever driven was from Cokato to Mankato and now i’m stuck on a drive from Minnesota down to Kentucky. It was scary being that I had just turned 18 on the 26th of July and now i’m doing full-fledged adult things like buying cigarettes, paying bills and driving halfway across the country. I can’t even begin to explain the feelings I had during those 17 hours of driving.

When you turn 18, most kids feel like they’ve transitioned from teenager to adult in the matter of a single calendar day. So many kids have these big ol’ dreams of leaving and starting life but I wonder how many of them actually do? How many kids leave the town they “hate so much”? How many kids go further than an hour from their parents house? I am in no way saying that staying close to home is a bad thing, but what I am saying is, how many people follow through on what they want? Now i’m no saint. I’ve done my fair share of complaining and bitching. But what I have learned is that in order to get what you want and to reach your goals, you have to be absolutely ruthless. No one gets from where they are to where they want to be by sitting on the couch and looking out the window wishing they were successful. You can’t expect success if you can’t expect to work for it. Nobody “got rich fast”. (The Kardashians do not count in this motivational spiel). In todays generation, which just so happens to be my generation, I see such a lack of motivation and work ethic. Now of course, not everyone in todays generation are lazy and unmotivated. But what I am saying is that when it comes to getting from point A to point B, so many kids wait around to get from both points via someone else’s hard work.

Sometimes things happen for reasons we can’t explain. When we work so hard to get from where we are and where we want to be and it fails, we can’t begin to fathom the reasons why we are unsuccessful. Most times we have a plan. I originally intended to be in college right now. I originally intended to be on a the college speech team I worked so hard to get on. I’ve had a plan for a long, long time and I had been slowly working towards my goals one day at a time. Eventually, I reached my goals and I thought I had succeeded. Well, i’m not in college right now and i’m not competing. I thought by not doing everything I had worked hard for made me a failure. This year i’m taking a year off and instead of going to college, i’m living with my grandparents and taking care of my terminal grandpa. Hard work? Yes. Worth it? Yes. Still working towards my goal? Yes.

Even though i’m not going to college, i’m working towards college this entire time i’m taking off. Long story short, college is expensive. By living in Kentucky with my grandparents, I can help them and help myself by gaining residency. After moving down and getting settled in, it’s been very clear to me that this is little road block is all part of the plan. Not only will I be able to take a year for myself and work, i’ll also be able to take a year to mature and learn. The most important part of any bump in the road is to learn from that bump and realize that it’s there for a reason. A problem isn’t a problem if it doesn’t stop you. If you let things get in your way, you won’t get to where you want to be. Instead, take whatever gets in your way and examine the problem, how to fix it and how you’re gonna move forward.

Of course I found it hard to move away in some aspects. I’m gonna miss my family and close friends, naturally. Of course i’m going to miss some aspects of the environment. But it’s time to be honest here. That town had absolutely nothing to offer me. Every place has its good spots and bad spots, but this place had more bad spots than most. I have never been in a place that bred cruelty and naive-minded people as much as that town. Most people feel like they don’t fit in, but this town makes sure of it. I don’t care how many times it’s been voted “the best place to raise your kids”. I wouldn’t be caught dead raising my children there. Of course, there are people in that community who I value tremendously; there are diamonds in every rough. And it amazes me that there are so many people that have such a distain for that town but how many actually leave? I left and have not looked back since. I can tell you that majority of that town said goodbye to me with both fingers stickin’ up high and can tell you that I waived right back and then some. In order to follow through on what you say you’re gonna do and get to where you want to be, you have to walk away with both fingers blazin’ and not look back.

You don’t have to agree with everything I say. You don’t even have to like me, nor respect me. But you do have to realize that I am absolutely ruthless when it comes to reaching my goals and i’m not going to let anyone or anything get in my way. If reaching my goals means I have to blog from my phone while at chemo treatments because grannies house doesn’t have internet, so be it. But I did leave hell and I working my way up to Heaven one day at a time.

I’m Feeling Really ******* Sad

14 Jul

Coming up with a good title to a post is always the hardest part. Because the process usually goes something like…

*type type type* Everyone is Dicks. *type type type* My Period is making me write this. *type type type* My Vagina is Holding Me Hostage.

So all in all, I end up surrendering to my vagina and make a more suitable title. In this instance, there was nothing I could possible say that wasn’t banned by public broadcasting and most censorship regulations. That being said, there was nothing that I could possibly say that wasn’t NC-17 rated. For those of you not familiar with your MPAA ratings, look it up.

I’m gonna be completely honest here. I’m feeling under the weather lately. Which anyone who knows me would go, “well no shit shirlock, you live in Minnesota. Everyone is under the weather”. But, in true optimistic fashion, I must remain positive. I mean, my life is pretty great. I just got dumped via “the boys” saying “if you don’t dump her, we’re gonna be mad”, which means more time for the cats. All five of them. BOO. YA. Looks like I can’t afford to go to college, AKA more time to spend with the cats. DOUBLE BOO YA. I ordered a considerable amount of clothing via online shopping that is non-returnable for my then boyfriend AND THEN the day he dumped me, the shipment confirmed. At least I know my email is up and running, so that’s a big plus. The car accident left my back really messed up but on the bright side, my bumper now looks FANTASTIC. I got hemorrhoids from sitting in the car for 17 hours on the recent vacation I took and on the bright side… Okay, there is no bright side. There is no damn bright side to having a hemorrhoid. There is absolutely no bright side to having something so small and painful on your not-so-bright side. But hey, at least I’m not constipated.

You know, everyone always talks about how there’s always a bright side. Yes, life is an absolutely beautiful thing and there are generally bright sides to every situation in life, it just depends how you look at it. But, there a moments when life doesn’t always have a bright side. We’ve all been there at some point in our life; nothing is going right and there’s no point to anything. Anyone who says they haven’t ever felt that way is an L7 weenie. But when do you draw the line between not wanting to take the effort to find the bright side and not being able to find the bright side? I’m going to be completely honest, I’m sure you can guess the topic and I’m sure a lot of you are trying to click away as fast as possible because hey, who want’s to read about being really fucking sad? Well, we need to talk a bout being really fucking sad because even though it’s a topic people are trying to familiarize society with, it’s not talked about enough and it’s not accepted enough. First, we need to realize that the stigma of being “sad” or “really fucking sad” or “mentally ill” is never going to go away. No one is truly going to understand your shoes because no two shoes are exactly the same. Second, we need to realize that it’s time to stop being afraid to talk about it. We need to stop using “it” as a filler for technical terms. Yes, there are so many different programs and campaigns that try to educate people and teach those with mental illness to not be ashamed. But at the end of the day, people suffering from mental illness will always be ashamed. We will always feel lower than those who are not mentally ill. And do you know why  we will always feel lower than those not affected? Because we can’t help it. I love that today’s culture is trying to understand and appreciate people with mental illness, I really do, but how many of you with mental illness feel comfortable talking to people about what you’re dealing with? How many people feel safe enough to confide in someone and not feel scrutinized? How many out there can openly say, “Well, this new dose of Zoloft is really giving me the shits”,  without being looked at funny for being on Zoloft…not even the fact that we openly admit to having the shits. No wonder why people with depression have a hard time getting out of the funk…our medication leaves us with the shits and a half-limp dick (that’s for you my male friends).

I’m pretty open with the state of my brain. I’m pretty open with the fact that sometimes I can’t get out of bed because it is physically and emotionally painful. I’m extremely open with the fact that most days, I don’t answer telephone calls or text messages/social media notifications because the anxiety gives me heart palpitations enough to kick-start a lawnmower. Somedays, I don’t eat because the though of food makes me cringe and somedays, I can’t stop eating. I’m crabby, then I’m happy and then I’m stuck on the couch. I admit that I like to have control of my life and I don’t like change. I can’t handle fast-paced decisions and I don’t particularly enjoy hanging out with large crowds of people anymore. I wasn’t always like this though, and that’s the most mind-boggling fact of this entire ordeal. I never thought that I’d be the type of person to sit in bed all day, literally speaking. I never thought I’d be the type of person to instantly let a situation make me sad and cry instead of fighting back and staying strong, like I normally did. Being open with who I am doesn’t make it any easier, though. And as a disclaimer, who I am isn’t comprised of what I have. That is the most important part to remember when you’re dealing with any sort of mental illness. You are not your mental illness. You are not another statistic and you are not anything that you don’t want to be.

In times of crisis or trauma or just a straight up bad day, finding the bright side to any situation can be extremely hard because if you’re dealing with any sort of mental illness, there may not be an attainable bright side. I believe that the human mind is capable of SO many things and I think that people are capable of a lot of things. I have a strong belief in a sense of self and relying on your inner strength to get you through tough times, but I also know that sometimes, inner strength isn’t enough. I’ll be honest in saying that recently, thinking about the future is impossible. Thinking about continuing life like this and not being able to imagine tomorrow is exhausting. Not only is it a physical type of exhaustion, but my mind is tired. The pit in the bottom of my stomach has fell asleep and sits there weighing me down. I know deep down that i’ll get through this, because I always do, but it’s extremely hard. So before you think that there is always a bright side to everything, take a step back and realize that sometimes, bright sides are hidden by really stormy clouds.

That Little Green “Drug”

29 Jan

So I just came to the realization that I’m a drug addict. It’s a terrible habit, I get headaches and anxiety because of it and I really need to stop. But I can’t be to blame for all of it! It’s so easy to find and it’s literally everywhere. People my age? Yeah, we worship it. Can’t get enough. Literally, I have one friend that borrows it from my all the damn time. Parents? Yeah, they never have enough of it and it’s even stressing ME out. They need some and I need some. I can’t stop thinking about it. If I don’t have any, I’m stressed and anxious. If I do have some, I’m happy but not satisfied and will literally do ANYTHING to get more. I honestly don’t know how I’m going to be able to live my life like this.

Believe it or not, I’m not talking about marijuana. I’m actually talking about money. Think about it. It’s everywhere, but we never have enough of it. People my age are obsessed with it and my parents never have enough of it. Now even though people my age are obsessed with pot, too, that’s not the point. I’ve been getting older (no shit, Bella, Everyone is getting older) and money has been the center of my entire life. I know you’re not supposed to discuss your monetary standings because it’s not classy but let’s all get one thing out of the way; no one every talks about Bella and says “Wow, what a classy young feller”. Well, some people do but I’m pretty sure it’s because they’re on a little green drug of their own.  But anywho, money has been the center of my life. I get so excited for Friday nights AND it’s not even because I have a life (I don’t, let’s clear that up, too); it’s because my check clears through the bank on Friday’s. I have so much to start looking forward to in regards to money. Taxes, bills, student loans, more student loans, student loans, loans in general, more student loans, money to bail me out for harming the creator of student loans, car payments, rent, cell phone bills, student loans. Wow, growing up is so fun.

I’ve heard people talk about the obsession with money. Something about the fact that we spend all of our lives chasing a little green piece of paper. That’s true though, isn’t it? We spend so much of our time obsessed over money. Whether it’s spending money, making money, eating money, breathing money, shitting money; we do it all.  Don’t even get me started on debt! We spend so much of our time worrying about the money that we DON’T have and don’t focus on what we DO have. Money controls our mood. If we have it, we’re satisfied but we want more. If we don’t have it, we’re anxious and will do anything to get it. If that doesn’t sound like a drug problem, I don’t know what is.

I’ve been thinking about a few things lately which is weird because clearly, I don’t think. In general fashion of this blog, I’m going to make a list of things I do to save money.

Wear Used Clothes

I don’t think I ever buy brand new clothes. To be honest, all of my clothes are second-hand. I shop Goodwill and Savers (not so much savers, too much sketchy biz goin on in there) and I really like the Clothes Mentor and Plato’s Closet. Literally, I buy everything there (besides underwear. I really like my own underwear). Goodwill is my favorite, though. I’ve bought suits for swimming and for business occasion, shoes, backpacks and I even bought my boyfriend there. Not only can you buy things things, you can also donate all of the old stuff you bought there! When you donate, you also get a coupon for 20% off. Yeah, I like coupons. I like to go to second-hand stores to buy things that people normally wouldn’t think of either, like furniture and bedding. Who needs to go dorm shopping and spend loads of money when you can do it for cheap. I’m in.

Recycle Bath Water

Okay no. This is never okay. Never. Next subject.

Use Coupons

Coupons are good! You don’t need to turn into an extreme coupon lady, either.  But as a young person, I already value coupons. There is no shame in looking through the Sunday paper and cutting a few coupons. Often times, there are a lot of buy-one-get-one type deals and you end up getting two things for the price of one. MIND BLOWN. Coupons can be used on a lot of things, especially the necessities. A lot of people think of coupons as for just food but I don’t ever buy razors, toothpaste or bathing products without using a coupon.

Buy Expired

Okay, this might sound weird to some of you but it’s actually not. Sometimes what grocery stores will do is put their almost-expired items on clearance or reduce the price drastically. What some people don’t realize is that when something “expires”, it’s not always bad. Unless it’s milk, then it’s always bad. But canned and boxed items rarely “expire”, so when they’re price is marked down, buy them. Checking dates is important, but sometimes things are still good after the “best buy” date.

If you have learned anything from today’s lesson, props to you because I’m still trying to find a moral in all of this. If I had anything wisdom related to say, I would probably say stop being so concerned with money. Limit your spending, save your cash and buy smart. Do those three things and you’ll be golden. But what do I know, I’m just a angsty teen who should be spending her money on things like condoms and illicit drugs and starbucks. Naturally, here’s a homemade quote.

“He who can learn to love money is smart”

Speak Loudly and Carry a Big Sword and Shield

1 Jan

Happy New Years, ya filthy animals! I hope that everyone had a wonderful new years and got to kiss someone. Just kidding, I hope all of you were as miserable as I was and figured it was time to give up on being happy at 2:30AM. I’m not really big on doing those whole “New Years resolution” things because I know that I am terrible at following through on plans and I would rather eat Cheetos then lose weight. But, I do have a few “New Years Contemplations” that I believe are worth sharing…

  • Swear Less
  • Lose Weight Maintain weight
  • Fall in Love Get another cat
  • Use Less Sarcasm Use less sarcasm in public places
  • Find Jesus Find Hispanic man named Jesus
  • Be Happy

I realized after I wrote my “New Years Contemplations” that some of them needed to be revised. Needless to say, I think my contemplations are off to a really good start. I’m more then content with who I am, I just want to be a better version of myself in 2014. Looking forward, 2014 is going to be one hell of a life-changing year. Today marks exactly 150 days until I walk across the stage and get a piece of paper I’ve been working 13 years for. I’ll have moved out of the house by the time summer is here and i’ll be starting college in the fall. Yeah, my 2014 is going to be full of tea and crumpets and debt. One thing I forgot to do in 2013, though, I will not forget to do in 2014. I forgot to be happy. This past year was a really bumpy one; I’m sad to say that it’s a year that I questioned if I was going to make it through at times. But I figured out that it’s all about choices and if I want to be happy, I need to make the choice to be happy.

On September 2nd, 1901, Theodore Roosevelt used the phrase “Speak softly and carry a big stick; you will go far” at our very own Minnesota State Fair. The Big Stick ideology is one that has been used for a long, long time and has proven successful. If you have a hard time reading between the lines and can’t figure out what the quote means (or if you’re too damn lazy to google it), It simply means this: Speak with caution and use non-aggression to solve problems, but threaten violence if necessary. Well, I’d like to say that from now on, I’m going to modify that phrase to fit my life from now on. I have spoken with caution and tried non-aggressive tactics for the longest time, but no one listens to me. I feel like after I speak loudly, something much more powerful than a big stick is going to be necessary, so I’m going to start carrying a sword. And for sally’s sakes, I’m going to carry a shield, too, because I work to hard on making my face stay attractive then to let it get messed up. So, if you feel like messing up my happiness this year, this will more then likely be the scenario you will be in:

Dumb person: Bella you’re dumb.

Bella: You’re dumb, too. (Bella proceeds to find the nearest inanimate objects, which so happens to be a toaster and cucumber, and begins beating the dumb person with the toaster, all whilst screaming out vulgar obscenities because well, Bella is a fearless lady who, like the honey badger, don’t give a fuck. After the dumb person has taken their beating via kitchen appliance like a champ, Bella screams more obscenities.)

Dumb Person: (Dumb person doesn’t saying anything because they are occupied by the cucumber lodged up their rectum.)

So, if anyone has any questions about my mantra this year, feel free to ask questions, I’ll be more then happy to clear them up. I’ve just figured out that sitting in the shadows and not speaking up does not get you anywhere. Push-overs get pushed-over. I am not, nor will I ever be a push-over. So now that the aggressive, third-person version of myself, it’s time to start getting a little bit more real. So, if you’re the type of person who can’t handle raw-emotions and real feelings, thanks for reading this far! If you have had some troubles in your life lately and feel like anything I could say could help you, then keep on reading mi amigo.

Aside from using more aggressive tactics, I’m gonna start 2014 finding happiness in myself and myself only. I’ve learned the hard way that material items and people don’t make you happy, your own personal choices and decisions are what really make you happy. So many times I hear about people trying to find that “special someone” who lights up their freaking world or a new pair of sparkly Ugg boots that almost makes them drop their Starbucks. Well, I’m here to burst your bubble and say that none of that will make you truly happy. Now when I mean happy, I mean a different type of happy then that fake ass emoji on the iphone that looks like it’s been snorting lines. I mean the type of happy that gets you out of bed every single morning simply because you’re happy to start the day. This type of happy is the type of happy that will have you singing a song in silence and blowing kisses at brick walls, because god forbid brick walls deserve to be loved, too. This isn’t the type of happy that waits around for a goodnight text, this is the type of happy that shuts the phone off and blows out the candle in your heart and whispers “Go to sleep damnit”. Why do you want this type of happy? Because this type of happiness is something that only you can find; no one can find it for you. No one can judge your type of happy because no ones happiness is the same. If they do judge you, you don’t care because you’re to busy painting rainbows with your eyes and listening to bliss with your heart. Some of you might argue that you’ve found this type of happy with a significant other  or a pair of boots, but I am going to disagree with you. You know you’re reading this and there is something nagging at the back of your brain and you know damn well what I’m talking about. Find yourself and be happy, you owe it to yourself.

One of the hardest lessons I learned in 2013 was that I am not a superhero, I am a person. I can’t fix people and I can’t fix there problems. That lesson was a really hard one to learn. Unfortunately for me, I thought that I could befriend someone and fix their problems, and in turn I thought I was going to be happy. I fell really hard for this person and by doing that, I forever gave myself the mentality that I could fix someone. You know the saying “You can’t fix what’s not broken”? Well, you also can’t fix what is broken, you just have to live with it and accept it for who it is, all while learning how to take it or leave it in the process. He left to go try to fix himself for a few months and in that process, I learned that I am not superman and I can’t keep holding out for something that isn’t going to change. I’ve repeated the process a few times since then and honestly, it doesn’t get any better each time. But boy, this last one was special I tell you. He can’t be fixed, he won’t be fixed and all I can do is offer my shoulder to cry on and walk away. It’s a really hard lesson to learn and walking away from this one is going to be hard but I’m gonna do it because why? I deserve to be happy. I am not a superhero, I can’t fix people or there problems. All I can do is fix me, fix my problems and hope to hell that I’ll walk away with that type of happy.

Now that I’ve gotten the less-aggressive side, I’m here to leave you with the only words of wisdom I know how. Never let anyone take your happiness and stop relying on material things or people to provide you with that happiness. Don’t try to fix people, you’re not a superhero. Lastly? Find that type of happy.  Generally I leave you with a homemade quote or mantra but for the first time, I’m not going to. It’s a new year, make up your own mantra and stick with it. Me? I’m going to speak loudly and carry a big sword and shield.

It’s Better Being Bitter

1 Dec

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately (thinking, I know right?) and a lot of it has been in a harshly realistic fashion. You see, I prefer to look at myself as harshly realistic. Which sounds better: Harshly realistic or pessimistic? Frankly, they both sound terrible but let’s have things go my way and say that harshly realistic sounds absolutely wonderful. But there’s a fine line between harshly realistic and bitter. I’d like to say I’m a little bit of both. If you sit down at the end of the day and think about all of the things you have to be thankful for, I’m sure the list goes on for miles. Now, sit down at the end of the day and think about the things in your life that absolutely suck (I am going to use “suck” as an adjective…some people prefer “inhale vigorously” and I say bite me). When I do this, I like to get on my knees and bow my head while I silently curse at every dipshit who made my day suck, as well as everyone from birth to present day who has tried to rain on my ever-so-marching parade. Of course by this point, I realize that all of you optimistic sally’s out there have already put me on your prayer list and thought of how terrible I am to hold grudges and say bad words about people. Let’s just establish this you sally’s: Life sucks. Wow, there I am on a roll about the word sucks today.

To all of you who have nothing better to with your life then read this blog, if you can count the number of times the word “sucks” is mentioned, I’ll give you some sort of cliché present. Ready set go.

In pre-school, a girl in my class told me she was going to lock me in my car-seat (safety first, kids) in the back of their car and her dad was going to shoot me with her shotgun. In fourth grade, kids in my class called me a retard because I had to use the elevator instead of the stairs. When I was a freshman, I let a male control my every move and change who I was. Last year, I was tormented by majority of the student body via every social media website possible and told to go die because I stood up for myself when I found something to be unethical. Part of me asks myself why I would ever want to bring up any of those moments. But memories are crazy things, huh? We remember the things we love, forget the things that aren’t important and can’t seem to let go of the things that hurt us the most. I sit down at the end of the day and remember all of the things that I love, and then I forget all the things that aren’t important and take a long, hard look at the memories that I can’t let go. Confused? It’s quite simple, really. Take the negative things and turn them into motivation.

Motivation comes in all different sorts for all different sorts of people. I think I touched a little bit on motivation in my last post, but it comes down to how you’re motivated as a person. I’m extremely intrinsically motivated and that’s something that sure helps in my life. Using negative experiences drives me to become a better person. I guess you could say it’s almost a little egotistical in the sense that I want to be the best person that I can be and show others that they didn’t hold me back whatsoever. I would think that everyone feels a little bit of that at some point in there life, right? I would rather remember every single cruel word, hard slap and degrading thing that has been done to me instead of forgetting it all. Some would say that is extremely masochistic, but I would like to point out that I lead a pretty bland love life and that masochism has never, nor will it ever become a part of my life. Unless Christian Grey and the red room of pain is involved, then I’d gladly be anything. You can also argue that I’m extremely bitter and holding on to grudges. False, if I was holding onto grudges, I would have no friends and I would have killed all of humanity in the slowest way known to man (or lack of man, due to the fact that I would have killed them all). There is such a big difference between being bitter and embracing what you’ve been through. I’ve forgiven most of the people I’ve held grudges against, but that does not mean I will never forget what transpired in the past.

“Yes, the past hurts. But the way I see it, you either run from it, or learn from it”

Learning and holding on to the past does not mean that I am bitter. Remembering the people who have done me wrong is not bitter. Life sucks, but I’m not bitter about it. I mean yes, I have my days when I just hate people in their entirety, but I am not bitter about life. I am harshly realistic. Nothing lasts forever, Santa Claus isn’t real and neither are Kim Kardashians boobs. Lemons are bitter, but you never see people bitching about life giving them lemons? You see people pull up their big girl/boy pants and make some lemonade.  Those are the optimistic people, claps for you optimistic people. So to get back into the swing of things, I’m gonna leave you with a quote that I wrote in the bathroom.

This image shows a whole and a cut lemon.

These are my lemons, they were grown in a BS free environment and I grew them myself with no help from any man. Thank Obama.

“When life hands you lemons, smile kindly and say ‘no, thank you’, because you are a sassy, independent woman who don’t need life to give you no lemons. You are a woman who can get her own damn lemons”

Epiphanies Worth Sharing (Or So My Cat Told Me)

24 Nov

Now that I’ve tried to write this first sentence about 400 times now, I’m going to stop erasing it and leave it on the 401st try. Now that I’m skipping to the 2nd second, I’d like to take the time to explain my version of the word “epiphany”.

Bella’s version of the word epiphany: Epiphany. Epiphany is that moment when you realize that after 17 years of your life, you finally realize what “if a tree falls in the forest” is really getting at. Epiphany is one of those moments when you realize that you can turn one-ply toilet paper into two-ply toilet paper by folding it over, that brief moment in your day when you realize that it’s five o’clock somewhere even though is only two in the afternoon and incredibly miserable. An epiphany is when you look up at the sky and it’s blue, even though it isn’t really blue, it’s just a bunch of gas and reflections of the oceans and shit. Yeah, science just gave me a royal epiphany. Epiphany, that moment when you realize that it really is a “come to Jesus moment” because you see little visions of Jesus running to you. Please, don’t get the word “euphoric” and epiphany mixed up. But, if you’re in a state of euphoria, you may or may not be experiencing about 700 epiphanies per purple goat that runs by.

That being said, I’ve had about 3 epiphanies this week and it’s absolutely terrible. Except, in all of these epiphanies, Jesus never ran to me. A homeless man with a striking resemblance to Jesus might have, and this homeless man might have been wearing sandals, but Jesus still never ran to me. Getting back on subject, I’ve had a few thoughts this week that have both helped me and pissed me off plenty, and I thought they might be worth sharing. So if you like quick reading, this post is most definitely for you.

Confronting Problems

Often times, when we’re faced with problems, we can do one of two things; confront it or condemn it. When I say condemn it, I mean that we can shut the problem out of our lives and look at said problem as a bad thing. What happens if we flip around the condemning and look at the problem as motivation? Now, depending on if you’re intrinsically motivated or extrinsically motivated,  becoming motivated to solve your problems can become a problem in itself. Instead of looking at the problem as something that can harm you, look at it as something that can help you. Solving your own conflicts and problems can boost self-esteem, increase your problems solving skills and you become stronger as a person. When I’m faced with a problem, I go through a set of stages (almost like mini stages of grief…it’s quite tiring actually) to eventually confront my problem. I start off getting angry at the problem, brainstorming ways to confront my problem, think realistically about my problem and finally work up the courage to confront the problem. Look at confronting a problem like this: Inner conflicts causes stress within us. By confronting a problem, we can learn how to manage stress and learn ways to not get in that conflict again and if we do, how we can work through it again using the tools we learned in the previous situation. Solving problems was a huge epiphany this week. I’ve been dreading solving certain problems this past week and after some really deep thinking, I realized that I need to face my problems head on because after all is said and done, it’s actually going to benefit me. Epiphany number one? Face your problems head on, the reward is worth much more than anticipated.

Ethical Thinking

Ethics, defined in merriam-webster as “following accepted rules of behavior : morally right and good”, ethics are something that each individual needs to define for themselves. Ethics often come with  conflict I feel like. If you’re ever questioning if something is “right” or “wrong”, ask yourself a few questions! Is this conflict or problem harming anyone either emotionally or physically? Is this unlawful or could being associated with this get me in trouble with the law? Usually when you have any question if something is ethical or not, there is usually something that is not right about it. A lot of times when someone tries to do the “ethical thing”, there’s criticism from another person or group of people. It’ll be hard to “do the right thing” sometimes, but in the end it’s worth it. Ask yourself if it conflicts with your own morals, if it’s harming you or anyone around you and if it’s unlawful. If you can’t say “no” to all three of those questions, then you have a problem. Epiphany number two? Always stick with your morals and ethics, no matter what.

Stepping Running Out of Your Comfort Zone is OKAY

Comfort zones are boring. Yes, they are clearly a “comfortable” way to live, but no one gets anywhere in life by being “comfortable”. Life is short. The most exciting thing about life is that there is no promise of tomorrow, so you have to promise to live like there is no tomorrow. I’ve learned throughout this whole teen angst stage thing that there is nothing comfortable about life right now (acne is most definitely not comfortable, I will tell you that much). Decisions are tough, but you’ll never get anywhere by not making decisions. Hell, everything is a decision. Putting on pants this morning? Definitely was a decision that I did not make. Sometimes we run out of our comfort zone before thinking, but that’s not always a bad thing. Ego’s and logic keep us in our comfort zone and sometimes, that sucks. A lot. Leave you ego at the door because it’s not going to help you here. All in all, the big epiphany here was that I had to make a big decision that I wasn’t sure I was ready to make. Epiphany number three? Don’t step outside of the box. Rip the box open, stomp it until it’s flat and light it on fire as you run away.

For all of you who are reading this and wondering why I’m discussing ethics, problems and comfort zones, don’t be alarmed. I’m not trying to write something that is symbol for some sort of life-changing, un-ethical, immoral decision. I’m writing this as a symbol to say hey everyone, I applied to college and quit my job all in the same week. AKA I’ve had about 400 million more epiphanies this week that seem more like panic attacks masked teenage hormones.

So now that I’m broke and unemployed, my brain will be in a temporary state of manic. Meanwhile, my kidneys and I are off to the black market.

They Never Told Me What A Vagina Was At School (I Still Don’t Know)

9 Aug

Do you know where the saying “the birds and the bees” comes from? Whether or not you wanted to know, I’m going to tell you anyways.

The birds and the bees” is an English-language idiomatic expression that refers to courtship and sexual intercourse, and is usually used in reference to teaching someone, often a young child, about sex and pregnancy. The phrase is evocative of the metaphors and euphemisms often used to avoid speaking openly and technically about the subject.

According to tradition, the birds and the bees is a metaphorical story sometimes told to children in an attempt to explain the mechanics and good consequences of sexual intercourse through reference to easily observed natural events. For instance, bees carry and deposit pollen into flowers, a visible and easy-to-explain example of male fertilisation. Another example, birds lay eggs, a similarly visible and easy-to-explain example of female ovulation.”

You see, what no one ever explains to you is that the birds and the bees never actually have sex with each other. I was under the impression this whole time that the bee is the uh…giver and the bird is the quote and quote “taker” (to be honest, I never understood where the bird would “take it”. I mean, I know where our thanksgiving turkey takes his stuffing…).  No one ever tells you what the bird or the bee symbolizes. Here I was thinking that there is some horny bee out there looking to stick all of these innocent looking little birds. I guess i really never put the whole “pregnancy” aspect into the equation because birds clearly lay eggs and bees just make honey (well according to the birds and the bees, the bees are  getting all the damn flowers pregnant. Sluts). What I’m trying to get at here is quite simply this: Who DOES explain to you what the birds and the bees are if you’re taking your parents out of the equation? I mean, what if you don’t have parents? Where did little orphan Annie learn about sex?? Who was there to guide her through life so she didn’t end up having a lot of little orphan Arnold’s?

In 7th grade we had the dreaded “maturation talk”. What a joyous, hormone-laden period of my life that was (well I wasn’t experiencing my teen angst stage at that point so all I had to rely on was my hormones). I remember our normal FACS (family and consumer science) teacher was out on maternity leave and we had the long-term sub there to teach all about the joys of said “birds and bees”. I remember going into class and getting a large, wordy packet but not being able to turn it over because “the boys were in the room and there were things on the packet they couldn’t see”. Let’s be real here. If you’re telling me that a 7th grade boy has never seen a good boob or two in their life, you’ve cat to be kitten me. The teacher had one of the male gym teachers come in and escort all of the boys to a separate room while all of the females stayed in the FACS room. From that moment on, I’ve never had a more mortifying experience in my life. I was confused the whole time, wanted to ask questions but couldn’t for fear of public smiting.

Our teacher was a youngin, early twenties maybe? She had a cute little powerpoint to give us insight into our “ever so blossoming bodies”. Sure, for some girls they were “blossoming”. Were boobs supposed to happen then? If so, i’m still waiting. Anyways, i’m sitting in class anxious to flip over this packet and get venturing into sex and boobs and uteruses (is that the plural form? Uteruses? Or is it uterusi?) and I am let down. Not just let down, i’m pretty sure my anxious little ovaries even sighed in unison. This teacher (who shall remain un-named) didn’t even MENTION sex or boobs or uteruses. When a picture popped up on the screen, she would “point” to it and say “And THAT is what will happen to your…THAT. When your older you’ll use THIS to touch THAT”. She might as well have said if you touch your THAT to THAT you will get chlamydia and you will die. BUT WAIT! I didn’t learn what chlamydia was until 10th grade (before you make any assumptions, I didn’t learn it by personal experience. Harry Walsh, an 80 something sex educator, made damn sure we all knew the life threatening properties of chlamydia. Thanks, Harry. I owe you one) so thank god someone taught me. Later on in the packet we had to do a picture and word bank match up. I would like you to take a moment and imagine something, just do it.

Little innocent Bella has no inkling as to how a vagina and an ovary are any different. The teacher comes over and asks what’s wrong and Bella responds with “Well, I don’t know what THAT or THAT even are, besides the fact that they’re not supposed to touch!!!

Parents, don’t rely on the school system to educate your children about sex and maturation. I had to learn it all on my own through school. I think I turned out pretty well.  I’m pretty sure my penis is different from all the other girls out there and my friend told me that one day my uterus will eat my testicles. See, I learned just fine on my own.

To this day, I still never finished the packet, I never grew boobs and I never learned what a vagina is. Hell, I still don’t know.

Some People Drink, Some People Eat Meth Cookies, Some People Do Cats

24 Jun

If you’ve read the title, you’d think that I’m trying to encourage the act of zoophilia and i’m here to tell you that i’m not. What is Zoophilia do you ask? It’s closely related to Bestiality actually. Here’s what our good friends at Wikipedia define Zoophilia as:

“Zoophilia is a paraphilia involving sexual activity between human and non-human animals or a fixation on such practice. The term “zoophilia” derives from the combination of two nouns in Greek: ζῷον (zṓion, meaning “animal”) and φιλία (philia, meaning “friendship” or “love”).

Although sex with animals is not outlawed in some countries, it is not explicitly condoned anywhere. In most countries, bestiality is illegal under animal abuse laws or laws dealing with crimes against nature

Now that you know information that you didn’t need to know, you’re welcome. If you did know what Zoophilia was, I’m going to question you. BUT let’s get back to the real topic of today’s post. Let’s talk about drugs and drinking (I feel like I’m just a bucket of good influence today, you’re welcome). I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately (Ha, that’s funny. Thinking.) and I’ve been thinking about choices and things of that nature. I met up with a very close friend of mine and we were doing the normal gossip session and they made an interesting comment that really made me think:

“You sure are hanging with a different crowd these days”

That actually really got me questioning who I am and what my morals are because believe it or not, I’m a regular (ha, that’s funny, too) human being who does care what other people think of me. I can’t tell what holds people back from making decisions; themselves or other people’s opinion? Personally, I ask myself what I think is right and go for it, but then the other half of me doesn’t want to disappoint anyone, especially the people who’s opinions I value. Being a teenager is really confusing stuff because you never know which crowd to fit in with. It’s not even the fact of which crowd to fit in, it’s which crowd you want to fit in with. I can proudly say, whether or not people choose to believe me or not, that I lead a life above the influence. It has it perks and it definitely is a personal choice that not everyone makes, but it is a choice that should be respected. You don’t have to agree with anything, but just respect it. Whether you drink/do drugs or don’t, it’s a personal choice. Yes, it can be quite an illegal choice depending on what you’re doing and what age you’re doing it at, but respect it. Here are my following thoughts that are plaguing my brain at the moment:

  • The people you hang out with are not always a reflection of the person you are. I hang out with a lot of snooty bitches who reflect their love for Jesus every chance they get. Does that mean I’m a snooty bitch who includes Jesus in every one of her conversations? PLEASE SAY NO. In the same respect, if I choose to hang out and support people who dabble in drugs and drinking, does that mean I automatically drink and do drugs? I can tell you that, no. My philosophy is that I’m strong enough in my inner faith, my convictions and my morals. If I didn’t start doing drugs then, why would I do them now? Yes, you could counteract that with “well there’s a first time for everything” and I’d reply back with “Well I’m not choosing to have the first time be now”. I’m proud to say I’m above the influence and it’s nothing that I’m embarrassed about.
  • People are so caught up in judgement that they never look past the choices to see the person, they see the choices and let that define the person. I can honestly say that for the longest time I treated kids at school who were labeled as “the druggies” like a whole different race of people. All you ever hear is “don’t go near those kids, they do drugs”. I’m sorry but if I was a parent, I probably wouldn’t let my child around me because I’m “that chick that talks about nudism way too much and posts at least 500 pictures with her cat on every social media website possible”. I’d put a restraining order on me and tell my children to run. That being said, after choosing to associate with people who make different choices than I do, I really learned to look past choices because their choices don’t define who I am. Now that I’ve finally started to come to the realization that people are going to judge me and I just need to stop caring, I don’t care if people judge who I hang around. I’m still the same person, it’s not like I’m walking around naked, intoxicated and wasted. Let’s be real. I’m the same person and I am going to stay the same person.
  • Does anyone ever look at the people who do drugs and wonder why they started? Has anyone ever had the pleasure of sitting down with a drug addict and asked them why they started? Yeah, you think your life is bad? Ha, I think my life sucks when I have a hemorrhoid. Listen to the reasons why an addict started doing drugs, then you’ll think that hemorrhoid isn’t so bad after all. It is such a humbling experience to listen to the stories of other people. It’s really humbling to then think of what they’re going to suffer through the rest of their life and then be thankful that you didn’t make the choices they did. Be thankful that you lead a sober life (now if you are a drug addict or you do drugs and you read this, this is really awkward and I’m sorry that you don’t lead a sober life. I’m here if you need someone to vent to). Look past the choices, look past the judgement and get to know the person. Believe it or not, the person might not be as bad as you thought.
  • If you are around someone who does have a drug or alcohol problem…did you ever think of getting them help if you are gonna be judgemental and concerned? If you honestly think they have a problem and you aren’t going to be their friend anyways, let a trusted adult or their parents know. You could totally be a jerk and be like “hey, jimmy totally eats meth cookies everyday and I’m pretty sure he wakes up and does lines on your kitchen table” and leave it at that. People are so caught up in judging “the druggies” that they don’t ever think hey, maybe Jimmy needs help. Yeah, did you ever think of that? Jimmy eats meth cookies. That’s not right. Meth cookies aren’t okay. METH COOKIES AREN’T OKAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So when I look back at everything and the choices that I make I just remind myself my new mantra:

Some people drink, some people eat meth cookies, some people do cats”

Which I think to better suit my life I would change it to:

Some people drink, some people eat meth cookies, you do cats”

Yeah that seems about right. So let’s just re-cap on the important things that you should walk away with today!

  1. Zoophilia is not okay. So just stahp.
  2. Keep your children away from me, it’s probably safer that way.
  3. Be thankful you lead a sober life.
  4. Look past the choices to see the person, don’t let the choices define the person.
  5. Meth cookies aren’t okay. Meth cookies are never okay.

Sometimes Your Mind Makes Itself Have Closure

19 Jun

This blog isn’t a diary, so i’m not going to turn it into one. But I can beat around the bush and talk about what’s on my mind in a very non-chalant way. Today i’d like to actually talk about my mind (Yeah, get ready for some crazy things people). I talked about taking the wheel into your own hands and turning to yourself for issues on my last post and that’s really hitting home right now. I’d like to think that i’m a strong person with a really strong inner self (cause’ we sure as hell know my outer self isn’t tough as nails) and usually when I have problems, I look to myself to solve them. I’ve got any issue in my life right now that i’m really struggling with and i’m starting to question whether or not i’m gonna be able to find a solution myself. That’s kind of a big deal for me especially since I don’t open up to people very often. I’ve gotten a lot of people opinions on the situation and it’s all pretty much the same solution. But while struggling through all of this, I began thinking about how people work through problems and how the mind subconsciously gives itself closure. Now I’ve researched and googled through my problems (yes, when in doubt, google it out. I have no shame) and I pretty much gathered a few of the same basics thing. These are generally the steps I follow when trying to find self-closure:

  1. Define what the problems is and find what is giving you a problem with finding closure. When I have a problem with a friendship, a relationship or even a dilema, I sit down and figure out what is giving me the angsty feelings and the feelings or loose ends. When you have an issue, you have to define the problem. You can’t find a solution until you find the problem! Whether you have to re-read conversations, talk to the person you have an issue with directly or simply pick your brain until you find the problem, do it.
  2. Once you have defined the problem, think of ways you are going to fix it. If this is an issue with closure, ask yourself how you are going to approach the situation and face it head on. When you’re dealing with closure issues, there is something internally that stands between you and the other end of the bridge. Stand at the begining of the bridge and look at it; how are you going to cross to the other side and once you do, what are you going to do?
  3. Find the courage to apologize. When I have an issue with a person, place or thing, the first thing I do is ask myself if If there’s anything I can apologize for. Sometimes it’s extremely hard to apologize but you can look at an apology in two ways. If you apologize (and do it first) you can feel like the bigger, more mature person…Who doesn’t like feeling like the big kid? Second, apologizing can clear your conscience and help you cleanse all of your ill feelings. Some people have stronger consciences than others, so it might not cleanse everyones soul.
  4. Let go of the situation. Every person handles situations in different ways and some people get rid of their situations differently. If you’re the angry type of person, gather everything that has any ties to the person/situation that got you in this mess in the first place and burn it. If you don’t have a fire or anything to burn said possessions in, find a large garbage can and throw all of said possessions in the can passionately. I stress the passionately part because otherwise you’re just throwing shit in a garbage can. If you’re going to do this, try to do it the day that the garbage truck comes because then there’s no way to go back and get all the stuff. If you’re the sad emotional type, hold a theoretical funeral. Say a few words, prepare a eulogy if that’s what floats the boat and get rid of your stuff ceremoneously. If you honest give give two craps a bout how you get rid of said possessions, just throw it away. It’s no big deal, just get rid of it somehow.
  5. Forgive and forget. Alright, so you’ve done your apologies and gotten rid of everything that reminds you of the situation, now it’s time to start forgiving all of the wrong-doings and forgeting about it. Now when I say forgetting, it doesn’t mean erase it out of your mind forever (unless you’re me and that’s just what helps you the most) because that doesn’t help you solve all of your problems. Remember the bad times and to never go back and remember the feeling you got after you said goodbye to the bad times. Forgive, forget and keep on keeping on.
  6. Write it out and vent. Now by owning a blog, I have a canvas at my fingertips. What I find works the best in venting situations is places like facebook or twitter or even *gasp* a blog. Now I DO NOT mean to go on a rant about your problems and how you just moved mountains, but I do mean this; post something only you would understand for the world to see. The self gets closure in the most public of places. Post a song or a quote on your facebook, retweet something cheesy and sentimental on twitter and possibly write a post about conquering problems. No one likes a social therapy session, but it’s good to get things out for the world to see. If it’s close to you and other people see it, it get’s you closure in a really weird way that I honestly can’t explain.
  7. Start a new chapter. You’ve stood at the beggining of the bridge, you walked over it and get to the other side. You didn’t go through all that trouble and passionately throw away garbage for nothing, you deserve a new chapter. The hardest part of getting through a situation is knowing what to do at the end. I often feel like a little kid learning how to ride a bike; I knocked off the training wheels, it’s just getting used to not having something I was used to for so long. This is your chance at a new begining, so go out and live! Take baby steps and learn to live with whatever or whoever you ceremoneously got rid of and learn to live for YOU!

I got a lot of advice from a lot of people the past few days and the best I got was from my childhood and still to this day, my best friend. She gave me incredible advice and i’d like to share it with you:

Remember, the most important person in your life is you”

I didn’t realize how much I wasn’t putting myself first through this whole situation and once I started to try to put myself first and work through my steps of closure, I felt better. Of course writing your problems out always help, but always put yourself first, no matter how hard it is. When you’re in the situation where you aren’t getting closure or having a dilema, it’s hard to see that you aren’t putting yourself. Good thinking sessions and even better friends are what helps you see these things!  I’m going to leave you with a quote that is posted on a motivation board on my wall and I wake up to it every single morning:

I am in charge of how I feel and today I am choosing happiness”

Gossiping and Being Judgemental Are Just Like Being Naked

17 Jun

I had the pleasure of increasing my chances of cancer (I was tanning people, tanning..like outside) today with my best friend and I had a come to Jesus moment: everyone judges everyone and it’s perfectly normal. I love her to death and she’s just about the only person I can be brutally honest with and it’s wonderful (everyone should have someone like this in their life. If not, cats my friend). But down to the nitty grittys. As a normal angsty teen I was discussing the “problems of my life” and discussing the basics: How much I hate INSERT NAME HERE, how big INSERT NAME HERE’S thighs are, how much INSERT NAME HERE needs jesus. Now most of you are thinking what a terrible person, oh wait. That’s what 16 year old girls do. Yeah, but don’t we all? Of course she did her fair share of discussing said problems and did we feel better after it? Yes. Did we regret any of it? No. The one thing we both agreed on and I really took to heart was that a large majority of girls my age swear by “I never gossip about anyone or judge anyone, nothing behind anyones back”. Lolololololololololololololololololololol. If you know a girl who has said this, please pull her aside and slap that face while you can. EVERYONE PARTAKES IN JUDGEMENT AND GOSSIP. Let’s be real people,  IT FEELS GOOD! The things that people need to learn about judgement and gossip, is that they have they same rules asbeing naked in my eyes. So let’s compare being naked and judgement/gossip.

  • Nudity should (I use should just as a precaution) be used only in private, within your four walls. If you’re one of those people who like the whole nudist lifestyle (I fully support you), then go for it but just know it could backlash. Use this same mentality with gossip and judgement. Gossip in private, within secure four walls. If you decide to go out into the world and pass judgement, prepare for the wrath of life.
  • Sexting is illegal, right? Nudity should take have no place on your cell phone. Why? Because if you wouldn’t want the whole world seeing you naked at the mercy of social networking, don’t be naked on your cellie. TALKING about being naked on your phone, that’s okay. Being naked on your phone is not. In the same respect, don’t gossip or say something that you wouldn’t want to end up in a mass text or on the twitter. That actually could end up illegal; Cyber-bulllying, yo.
  • Now without trying to get too explicit here, watch who you get naked with. There are some people who are extrememly comfortable walking around the house naked with guests (so i’ve heard) and that can be bad. Not everyone wants to see you naked. It doesn’t matter if Kate Upton (okay, yes it does. that matters), not everyone wants to see you naked. In the same respect, not everyone wants to hear you gossip. Quite frankly, it can get super annoying. As well, no one likes to be around judgemental people all of the time. People don’t wanna see you naked all the time, people don’t wanna hear you gossip.
  • On the flip side, there can never be too much nakedness if used right. It’s healthy and freeing. Everyone knows or should know that feeling of just chillin after a long day on your couch naked. Chilling on the front porch naked is just too much, couch? Not so much. You can chill on your couch as much as you want, too. So, gossip and judgement is healthy and it let’s you blow off steam and anger. If it’s used right it can be extrememly helpful. Being naked can help you in plenty of ways. Use both in moderation, but don’t be afraid to indulge.

So, if you know someone who keeps swearing by the fact that they don’t judge or gossip, look them straight in the eyes and ask them…Are you ever naked? Were you born clothed? Do you shower fully clothed? No. We were born to be naked and we need to be naked at some point in our daily life. We were born to gossip and judge and we do so each and every day.

So get out there and get naked!

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