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Wrecking Ball or Wrecking Balls?

16 Oct

WARNING: THIS BLOG POST CONTAINS CRUDE HUMOR, PROFANITY AND LARGE DOSES OF SEXUAL INUENDOS. AS WELL, ALL OF YOU ASSHOLES WHO HAVE PISSED ME OFF IN THE PAST WHILE PLAY A LARGE ROLE IN THE MAKING OF THIS BLOG POST. FEEL FREE TO FIND YOURSELF AND ADMIRE THE NATURE OF YOUR ASSHOLE-NESS.

So the question stands. For those of you who dwell on this poor excuse for writing, I’m sorry it’s been so long since I’ve written anything. For those of you who actually know me, you know I’m not really sorry and quite frankly, I hate all of you. In the time since I’ve written last, a lot has happened. I’m still trying to live through my teenage angst stage thing and do you know what I’ve been learning? Everyone is dicks. (All you dicks who are apart of the grammar gestapo need to hop off my jock on that last sentence fragment there. Tenses mess me up) Even the people who don’t have dicks, they’re dicks, too. I can’t even handle people right now. Speaking of dicks, has anyone heard anything about Anthony Wiener lately? Man, that guy just grinds my gears in the worst way possible. What a sleazebag. Sorry for than rant there, I just really needed to get the word wiener off of my mind.

In the general nature of this piece of shit, I’m going to dive right into a list of things that piss me off. Enjoy you weinerholsters.

Hormones

Good golly miss molly. If you haven’t been following my journey through the teen angst stage thing, I’m sorry for you because you’re missing out. But not on hormones. By gawd this shit sucks. Hormones of any kind are pathetic excuses to make my life a living hell.

“Hello, this is hormones speaking. I’d love to take time to speak to you about what I can do to spice up your life. With 4 installments of your happiness, I can ruin your face and give you the best connect-the-dot bacne you’ll have ever experienced. Also, if you’re a male, do you enjoy wearing sweatpants? Well no more sweatpants for you! I can give you NRB (No reason boners) in the blink of an eye! Ladies, do you like mood swings and occasional mental breakdowns? Well then you’re in for a treat! I can change your mood faster than Pamela Anderson changes the size of her knockers! Happy to sad, to happy to angry within a matter of minutes! But wait, there’s more! For a small payment of dignity, you can get not one, but two stupid decisions for the price of one! Don’t like the way you’re feeling? Order some bad decisions and we can hook you up with some heroine in no time! Got family problems? Not a problem! We can supply you with a healthy dose of prostitutes and you can bang your way out of misery! Thank you for listening and we hope you join us next time so we can ruin your fucking life some more!”

Yeah, that pretty much describes my feelings at the moment. I can’t promise you what i’ll be feeling in about five minutes because that’s how often my mood changes.

Men and Sex

I could write about this subject for about a million years. I’ve decided that there are no good men/boys/males on this entire planet. They are all dicks. WAIT. They just think with their dicks. I swear, if I could, I’d run around with a machete and chop every extra limb off. I don’t care if you’re marthafocking jesus, you probably done sinned, too. I can’t even right meow.  I think the male species needs to be knocked down about four hundred notches. Hey Robin Thicke? You’re not going to be giving anything to me, because you better damn well know by now I don’t want it. I do not want to receive anything from you in a boat, on a plane, on a ship or on top of a train. I do not want you giving anything to me in the dark, in the light, in the bus or flying a kite. I will get my machete and I will show you that I cannot be tamed (that one is for you miley). Believe it or not, not all girls want to engage in sexual acts just because you’ve got a marthafocking anaconda in your pants. Believe it or not, some of us actually find the massive rolling pin in your pants repulsive and we’d rather chops our boobs off with machetes because that’s the only way we’d be able to “calm our tits”. But obviously for some men, they can’t get sex off of their one track minds long enough to maintain a healthy, loving relationship because GAWD FORBID YOU CAN’T HAVE FUN WITHOUT FUCKING LIKE GORILLA’S. There’s some feministy quote out there about “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”. I may or may not be a woman scorned. But ITS OKAY because it’s not like the douchebag who scorned me is intellectual enough to read something other than the categories on PornHub. But it’s okay, I am a sassy, independent woman who don’t need no man. Especially when the man boy dumps her and gives her no reason but later she finds out that he dumped her because certain “goals” weren’t met and he was stupid enough to talk about said dumping at the lunch table. What I have learned through the teen angst stage is that status is everything. I’m sorry but, you’re a younger lad who is was dating a senior lass? Ha. Boy, aren’t you dumb. But this is all theoretical of course. If this was a real situation, I’d tell him he made one hell of a mistake because this lass is actually really fucking awesome if you look past the fact that she smells like tacos and cats way too often.

Girls and Sex

If I was just an outside observer, i’d say sex is ruining everyone’s life. OH WAIT, all these damn hormones are running my brain so of course sex is ruining everyones life. Girls are such bitches. If you want to get technical about the term “Bitch”, yes, girls are still bitches. They are all female dogs and they are all in heat one hundred percent of the time. End of story. Girls are never satisfied with anything, ever. If we could please forget that I am a girl for a second here, that would be greatly appreciated because i’d like to think that I am not a girl. Let’s not label me as a girl or a boy. Can I just be a cat? Okay, thanks. Girls are so caught up in the gossip and being assholes to other girls. You know why girls are especially sneaky? They think that just because they pretty, they be getting all dem boyz (I’m sorry for the grammatical nature of this part of the blog. I’ve been experimenting slang and ebonics). No. Just because you’re pretty does not mean that you’re awesome. All them boyz be thinking they wanna get in yo pants but little did they know that you’re vagina is like an echo. No one be likin an overly flirty girl. Remember that machete? Yeah, hide you tits. Because we be cutting all them titties off. Oofta. Ima go hit a flock of amish pretty soon.

Sad Music and Hormones

So here I am thinking that I can write this entire post without crying. Yeah, my bad.

“Hormones again! We’re here to not only fuck up your face and back, but we’re also here to change your mood with every song that changes!”

Not only do I have good taste in cat breeds, but I also have good taste in music. If you don’t think I have good taste in either, then you can go snort some lines because your opinion is irrelevant. Here’s some music that makes me cry.

  • Demons by Imagine Dragons
  • Best I Ever Had by Gavin DeGraw
  • You Found Me by The Fray
  • Chasing Cars by Snow Patrol
  • Mad World by Michael Andrews
  • Battle Scars by Lupe Fiasco
  • Bleeding Out by Imagine Dragons
  • Every Image Dragons Song
  • If I lose Myself by One Rebublic
  • Counting Stars by One Republic
  • Next To Me by Emile Sande
  • Bedroom Hymns by Florence + The Machines
  • Blood Bank by Bon Iver
  • Skinny Love by Bon Iver
  • Thistle and Weeds by Mumford and Sons
  • Mirror by Lil Wayne

If you have any questions about my choice of music, feel free to contact me. And yes, Lil Wayne speaks to the soul.

Society

People are so mean. Throughout the teen angst process, I have learned that being mean is a strong component for becoming a part of the social norm. No. No no no no no no no. This is not okay. If you think being mean is okay, you deserve to be shit on by the worlds largest elephant. Enough said. People need to realize that it’s okay to be different. I’m sure that a lot of people have different views on society and the views it holds. I’m sure this chunk of the post is going to sound extremely cliché, and that’s okay. Believe it or not, I am like an onion ( a lot less smelly though and I cost less per pound). While it’s nice to act like an asshole from time to time, hate the world and use sarcasm more than I use shampoo, it’s also nice to be different. Do you know what different means to me? Doing something that everyone else isn’t doing. What I’ve really learned in the middle of the teen angst stage is that all of the people around me are afraid to do something that is against the grain, something embarrassing or something awkward. I’ve got all of that covered because I’m awkward as fuck. I’ll let everyone in on a little tidbit of my life. As you may or may not have known, last year I was a part of my school’s adapted bowling team. Yes, adapted bowling team. If you haven’t followed any posts, I’ve been blessed with a variety of things that make me special such as arthritis and ehlers-danlos syndrome (the EDS isn’t as big of a problem as the arthritis. The arthritis is crimpin my style). I say “blessed” because I wouldn’t be the person that I am today. Some people chose to say “suffer from” or “deal with”, I just prefer to say “blessed with”. It’s a choice of words, none of the above is incorrect. Back to the bowling. When I first joined, I was skeptical because I didn’t know what my peers would thinks of me. After the season got over and our team went to state, I can honestly say that that team was one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever been a part of. Competing with “those retards” (I don’t hate a lot of things, but when people break out the R word, I get utterly disgusted. Cut out the R word) was one of the best things that has ever happened to me. At that point, I didn’t care that I was seen with “them” because that was my team, my friends and a close family. Relating this back to society and the teen angst stage, so many kids my age would be embarrassed as hell to be seen with kids with mental and physical disabilities. My old Jazz Band teacher and the man I credit for teaching me the fundamentals of music taught me something I will never forget:

Leave your ego at the door, it’s no use”

Leave your ego at the door and stop caring what everyone else thinks. Don’t be Mr. Shadows and live from behind a cloud. Step outside, into the sun and be Mr. Skin Cancer and dance in the sun and soak up all the UV rays because life is awesome like that. Do you know who does that? As much as everyone hates her, Miley Cyrus does a fantastic job of demonstrating this. She isn’t just riding a wrecking ball, she’s straight up wrecking societies balls in the process. You go baby, you go.

Well folks, I think I’ve exercised all of my demons. Remember, If you think you’ve got life bad, you’ve never had a corn rash, okay? If you don’t know what corn rash is, google it. I will leave you in the only way I know how, with a homemade quote. Before I do, if you’ve read this whole thing, I thank you. You are why I still write. Just kidding, I write for me because honey badger don’t give a fuck. If you didn’t read this whole thing, go eat some cocaine cookies and get off of my blog.

“When life knocks you on your knees, stay there. It’s safer anyways and sometime you find snacks on the ground”

13 Things I’ve (Barely) Learned In 13 Years

3 Sep

13 years. I’ve been waiting for this day for 13 years. I say 13 years because I count in kindergarten and the pre-school era (gosh, those were glorious days, eh?).  I’ve spent millions of minutes, hours and seconds sitting in class waiting for this day to come. I’ve crammed for numerous tests and failed them, missed the bus and gotten shoved into lockers. I’ve spent 13 years of my life finding myself and you know what I get in return? Do you know what I get in return? DO YOU KNOW WHAT I GET? TWO PEPPERONIS. TWO FRICKIN PEPPERONIS. Two Martha focking pepperonis. I come to school, eat my government regulated lunch and Mrs. Obama has the AUDACITY to cut down from three pieces of pepperoni to two pepperoni? IM SORRY. SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE. IVE WAITED FOR 13 DAMN YEARS FOR THIS DAY AND I GET TWO PEPPERONIS. That’s it. I’m starting my senior slide and skipping the rest of the school year.

Being that this is quite a nostalgic day and all, I thought it would be quite fitting to make a list of the most important things I’ve learned in these beautifully horrid 13 years. So here it goes, my list of 13 Things I’ve (Barely) Learned In 13 Years.

13. Underwear Has a Hierarchy

Did you know that there are two types of floss? One type of floss you use on your teeth to get out plaque, tartar and gum from the boy you were snogging in the hallway. The other type of floss you place between your asscheeks. Who knew? In my 13 years I learned that underwear is a lose-lose situation. If you wear granny panties, you’re now in a whole new social class of your own. If you wear pants and let your panty lines show, you’ve now stooped lower than the granny-panty group. If you wear tight pants and you can’t see a trace of said knickers, you’re now a slut because everyone assumes you’re either going commando or wearing a thong. Boo, you whore. If you go commando to school (not judging, it’s very comfortable) you are now a licensed prostitute. Please take a seat and find some undies. Now if you wear a thong, you are just the right amount of whore to tease the boys and avoid granny-panty status. Good for you, you keep up the butt floss. Now if you let your thong stick out the top of your pants, GTFO. Just GTFO and go borrow some clients from the licensed prostitutes. You’re welcome.

12. Always Take The Amount of Boys You Kissed and Add Your Age

Do exactly what the title says. Trust me. And if you’ve already reached 8th grade and you haven’t kissed a boy, get out your chastity belt and throw that lock in the river. You my friend have committed social suicide for not engaging in the great American past time of kissing. It’s quite simple actually if you want to maintain your spot on the social pyramid. I’m no math genius, but the formula goes something like this:

Actual Amount of Boys Kissed + Age + A Few Girls= Social Badassery

You’re welcome.

11. Tampons Are a Girls Best Friend

Some people say diamonds are a girls best friend, but I beg to differ. If you’re a boy, dogs are no longer your best friend. Tampons. Tampons for days. I remember the exact day when I was in need of a tampon and I had my friend go into the locker room, yell as loud as humanly possible that Bella needed a tampon and that was that. Tampons were flying out of backpacks faster than 747’s take off from the runway. Ladies, I don’t care if you’ve hit early onset menopause, you carry tampons with you in your pants, bra and boots. Boys, no excuse. You wanna get laid? Well you ain’t gonna get laid without proper feminine products. Oh and ladies, if you are suddenly not needing tampons, you need to consult the boys because I have a feeling you won’t be needing tampons for 9 months or so.

10. Sweaty Armpits? Hand-dryer, my friend

Armpits are such strange things. Some people’s armpits smell bad, no ones armpits ever smell good and some even smell like tacos. If you find yourself in school (or any public setting, really) with un-naturally sweaty armpits, your local bathroom may have a solution. Have you ever used those ancient looking hand-dryers that have the twistable air spout things? Those come in handy. Simply do the following: Turn on said hand-dryer. Stand to the side of said hand-dryer and rest your arm upon the top of it. Twist the air spout thing of said hand dryer and have it blow on said sweaty armpit. Viola. You now have a dry armpit. CAUTION: IF SOMEONE WALKS IN, CASUALLY SAY “WHAT, YOU NEVER BLOWDRY YOUR ARMPITS? FREAK”. Trust me, it works every time.

9. When a Senior Boy Likes You, and You’re a Freshman, It’s Because of Your Personality

This is self-explanatory as well. You see chicklets, boys are such a strange oddity that would take me 7 lifetimes to explain. But take my advice when I say that boys over the age of 15 LOVE when a girl has a nice personality. ♥ They also love taking her out on dates, buying her tampons and listening to her feelings and life aspirations. ♥ These boys also are totally against any sort of physical contact; more clothes the better. ♥ If you’re an underclassman and an upperclassman wants to come over to your house at 3AM to discuss his feelings, he clearly likes your personality. Go get your man girlfriend, go get your man. ♥ ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

8. Lunch is Actually Really Scary

Lunch is really scary. Lunch is really damn scary. You have so many different chances for a social embarrassment. There are so many opportunities to slip, drop your tray and shoot milk out of your nose. I’ve learned to always grab extra napkins, carry your tray with both hands and never rush to your seat. Don’t even get me started if someone takes your seat at lunch. Quack, Quack spot back? Cluck, cluck you’re out of luck. Those words have graced my lunch table more times than i’d like to admit. Just believe me when I say that it is INCREDIBLY RARE to see anyone eating in the bathrooms or next to the garbage cans, like you see at movies. Also, I’ve learned that if you can’t identify what’s graced your plate, don’t eat it. Just don’t eat it. Simple as that.

7. If You Don’t Wear Make-Up You’re Sinning

So many people say that “you don’t need make-up to look beautiful!”, and I respond with, “Have you seen my face?”. I’ve tried more than once to grace the public eye without said makeup and let me tell you this, you’d rather be seen wearing crocs and granny panties. Okay well, I like wearing crocs so for some people, crocs might not be a punishment. There are only certain times when wearing no make-up is actually OK. Example:

  • Death/Funeral
  • Intense Sickness
  • Mother threw away all make-up and you’re forced to use magic marker
  • Total acceptance with no-fucks-given

When I don’t wear make-up I can’t even begin to explain how many “are you sick?” questions I get. No people, I’m not sick, I’m just not wearing make-up. Thank You.

6. Push-Up Bras Are Almost as Important as Tampons

Unfortunately, some people aren’t blessed with giant watermelons for boob (me). Some of us aren’t even blessed with small ant hills (me). Some of us have tiny excuses for boobs that look like bug bits (me). In this case, Victoria will gladly share her secret to success with you. If you haven’t been introduced to the joys of a push-up bra, you are sadly missing out. Boys think it’s cheating, I think it’s a tool for improvement. The opportunity for improvement is everywhere! In my case, my improvement lies within to chicken cutlets and fancy lace. To each their own. I’ve learned in my 13 years that push-up bras can hold your boobs, hold your phone and hold your money. Push-up bras are simply tools for success.

5. Freshman Aren’t Really as Bad as We Make Them Out to Be

yes they are.

4. Homework is Done Wherever the Home Is

In my case, School ends up being my “home” for 9 months of the year. So if homework is meant to be done at home, then technically my homework is to be done at school. Gosh, I’m a genius. I’ve learned in my 13 years that there is never a true “due date” for homework. Suck up to the teacher, participate in class and at least try to half-ass your homework. You’re golden if you can do that. Golden.

3. Leggings Are Not Pants

Imagine this: You are walking behind this good lookin’ dime, she drops her pencil. Oh no! Suddenly she realizes said pencil is on the ground and she bends over ever-so-seductively to pick up said pencil. Oh no! You realize that the cute, grey pants covering her assets are see-through! Oh no! You can see her thong! (Remember ladies and gents, seeing the thong is automatically a licensed prostitute) Suddenly you realize that it is definitely not pants that she is wearing, she is wearing leggings. You wear leggings under a cute dress or sweat-pants on a cold day. Don’t. Wear. Leggings. As. Pants. Boo. You. Whore.

2. Yoga Pants ARE Pants

Despite popular belief, yoga pants are, and should be, an accepted form of clothing. Many schools over the years of the yoga-pant sensation have banned yoga pants due to the fact that they are distracting. Here is my thoughts on the matter: Yoga pants are distracting? The pants are distracting or what’s in the pants is distracting? What they’re trying to say is that my ass just looks so good in these yoga’s that boys can’t stop watching. What are they going to do next, ban my ass? Are they going to start mandating girls leave their asses at the entrance? In my 13 years I’ve learned that everything is distracting, but a good ass is definitely a worth-while distraction. Yoga pants are pants, too. Show em’ some love people.

1. Be Yourself

I know for a fact that everyone single person who graces this earth has heard the good ol’ mantra of “be yourself”. It’s quite true, be yourself because everyone else is taken. Be yourself because no one is as cool of a person as you are. You’re never going to please everyone, but if you be yourself, you’ll please the right people. The hardest person to please? Yourself. Often times we worry about what everyone thinks and don’t take the time to worry about what WE think. The 12 things I just listed are societies views of what is right and what is wrong (half of them are what I think is right and wrong, clearly we know that as gospel) and as individualistic human beings it’s our job to decipher what we think is right and wrong. Never change yourself, always be yourself. I’ve been through way too many hardships in my life and if I would have ever stopped to change myself, I would have lost myself. Whether you’re young or old, boy or girl, black, white or purple, you are you and you is the most beautiful person you can ever be. Never second guess yourself, never apologize for your beliefs and always stick up for what you think is right. Be yourself, be true to yourself and never change yourself. Be yourself because there is no one cooler than you.

It’s crazy to think that I’ve actually learned 13 things in my life. Here’s to you Minnesota Department of Education, I learned all of this without using the Pythagorean theorem once. Whether you take what I say seriously or not, pay attention to number 1. It’s important, okay? I couldn’t have survived 13 years without it. In the general fashion of this blog, I’ll leave you with a homemade quote, it wouldn’t be a complete post without one.

“Learning stuff is really cool…until you forget it. Then you’re just dum”

Excuse Me, Waiter? Yes, I’m Extremely Thirsty

27 Aug

Romeo, Oh Romeo, Where art thou Romeo? Thou are getting on my damn nerves and if thou aren’t going to show up pretty soon, I’m going to start looking for some kinky lesbians (To all you kinky lesbians out there, I hope you find no offense. You all rock). With the end of the summer approaching fast and hell school starting soon, I’ve been thinking a lot about my social status. AK FREAKING A the lack of interaction I have with the male species (for those of you skeptics out there, I would rather not go in depth about the interactions I do or do not have with the male species. All I can say is, you kinky lesbians don’t have anything on me. word). From what I’ve been observing during my endeavors of the “teen angst stage”, most people my age (17) are settling down and finding their soulmates. Or else they’re settling down and getting chlamydia. Regardless, I really need to start getting serious about my relationship status. In a generally unorthodox fashion of this blog, I have no lists to make. I just need to vent about my observations and my thoughts on Love and the “teen angst stage”.

C is For Chlamydia

We’ve all heard (for the love of all things hormones, hopefully) of the famous line from Mean Girls about sex; “You will get chlamydia and you will die”. Well, I’m not going to name anyone in particular, but I do know some people who have clapped their fair share in their life, and they never even died. I am the proud owner of a bucket list actually and I must say, chlamydia isn’t on it. Or maybe it should be? It seems extremely glorified and hey, if all the kids who are settling down (or settling in tehe) are getting it, maybe I should, too? Alright so uh, if anyone has chlamydia just let me know and we can set up an appointment. What about herpes? I heard herpes is pretty popular and unlike a baby daddy, it actually stays with you. For anyone who is suffering from herpes currently, i’m sorry. I do feel for you…I’m never going to feel you, but I do feel for you. But hey, if you have herpes, you have a friend for life. In the words of Garth Brooks, You’ve got friends in low places.

H is For Homewrecking
For all you skeptics out there, I’m here to offer a disclaimer and a window into my personal life. Have I been “the other woman”? Yes. Did I enjoy it? Yes. Do I still enjoy it? Yes. Do I feel guilty? No. No I don’t. I’ve been on both sides of the fence I guess. I’ve been the girlfriend who found out her boyfriend was cheating and was devastated. I’ve been the girlfriend who’s been completely blindsided that my boyfriend had his own booty call for the whole relationship. I’ve also been the booty call, the homewrecker, whatever you want to call it. I’ve been the “other girlfriend” without knowing it and I’ve been led on. In my situation, never give the man the ultimatum of “it’s me or the girlfriend”. He almost ALWAYS picks the girlfriend. Strange, huh? Throughout all of my dating life, I have never, nor will I EVER cheat when I am (god bless that day) in a relationship. I take my personal commitments seriously and going against that myself would be devastating to me. But also, there are two different types of “other women”. Those who seek and those who are sought out. I can swear on my cats that I have never sought out a man who has a girlfriend, they come to me. When approached with these types of situations, I have to ask myself how much I respect this person or what I feel for the “girlfriend”. My philosophy?
It’s not homewrecking if the “home” is renting out it’s bedrooms”
Simple as that. It is not my problem that you have a low life boyfriend, it is not my problem that you are having relationship problems and can’t hold on to your man. In my case, I could be doing you a favor. Your boyfriend will either dump you, feel guilty and love you or feel guilty, dump you and fall madly in love with me. I have yet to experience the third option. Ladies, lose respect for me if you want. Yolo. I prefer swapping the term “homewrecking” with “living vicariously through other peoples relationships”. But whilst LVTOPR, it can come with some “side effects” and it’s often unpleasant. Now to those of you who are going to judge this, ask yourself this; did I ever define cheating, homewrecking, being the other woman? No. Come to whatever conclusions you want about those. Have any questions? Feel free to ask me! Cheating isn’t just physical, remember that.
S is For Student Teachers
Ever single year since kindergarten (okay, maybe not that far back) I have always hoped and prayed to all things Oprah to have an attractive student teacher introduced into class. Throughout my years of schooling, I’ve had yet to have a mildly attractive student teacher (Okay, I actually had this really awesome student teacher in 7th grade and he was AWESOME but he was more like an influential figure in my life and influential figures never have appearance factors added in). Like, is it to much to ask for? I’ve been a member of the public school system for 12 years of my life and they can’t even be respectful enough to provide some eye candy? Shameful. Just shameful. In experience this whole “teen angst stage” thing, I’ve realized the older the target is, the better. In that case, an elderly couple just moved in and I heard the husband has a really fast power scooter. Vroom. Vroom.
T is For Thirsty
Excuse me, waiter? Yes, i’m quite thirsty. Would you mind taking off your shirt? For those of you out there who aren’t familiar with the term “thirsty”, let me inform you. Along with the word “angst”, I’ve learned that “thirsty” (as well as THURSTY) is quite popular. Here is a definition from our good friend, Urban Dictionary.

To crave attention. Trying to talk to the opposite sex (most likely)
Like if a girl/guy like someone they try wayyy to hard to talk to them when the person isn’t giving them the time of day
R is For Requirements
I require a lot of work. I myself am not high maintenance, but my needs themselves are high maintenance. I require attention. So for all you feisty 17+ year old men out there, get at me. I’ve put together a good resume of myself that will really seal the deal on why i’m an optimal choice for a girlfriend. Gosh i’m just awesome.
  • I’m really good at taking selfies, so you’ll never run out of phone wallpapers. I. got. you. covered.
  • Cuddling is my thing, I will cuddle you so hard.
  • Most of the sweatshirts I wear are 7 sizes too big for me anyways, so you never have to worry about me stealing yours to wear.
  • You never have to worry use not being able to communicate because i’m available on the following apps and social media websites: Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, WordPress, Voxer, Instagram, Vine, Keek, Song Pop, Ask.fm, Intellius, Snapchat, Skype and good ol’ texting. You’ll never have to worry about not being able to get ahold of me.
  • I like to eat. End of story.
  • I might not have boobs, but I can make a really good sandwhich.
  • Twerking is my think so if we ever go clubbing, no need to keep your dick In a box.
  • I’m really good at talking dirty, sometimes I even do it while i’m doing pig chores.
  • Compassionate to cats almost as much as I would be to you.

If none of those reasons compel you to love me, I don’t know what will. Check your standards because I’m fucking awesome.

Ladies, remember, hold on to you men. Men, if you have money and would like to spend it, I”m here. I will leave you with a homemade quote that I’ve learned about love and things of that nature.
“Love is not warm, fuzzy or romantic. Love is being able to look your partner in they eye after you get your period blood on the couch and proceed to watch Teen Mom

They Never Told Me What A Vagina Was At School (I Still Don’t Know)

9 Aug

Do you know where the saying “the birds and the bees” comes from? Whether or not you wanted to know, I’m going to tell you anyways.

The birds and the bees” is an English-language idiomatic expression that refers to courtship and sexual intercourse, and is usually used in reference to teaching someone, often a young child, about sex and pregnancy. The phrase is evocative of the metaphors and euphemisms often used to avoid speaking openly and technically about the subject.

According to tradition, the birds and the bees is a metaphorical story sometimes told to children in an attempt to explain the mechanics and good consequences of sexual intercourse through reference to easily observed natural events. For instance, bees carry and deposit pollen into flowers, a visible and easy-to-explain example of male fertilisation. Another example, birds lay eggs, a similarly visible and easy-to-explain example of female ovulation.”

You see, what no one ever explains to you is that the birds and the bees never actually have sex with each other. I was under the impression this whole time that the bee is the uh…giver and the bird is the quote and quote “taker” (to be honest, I never understood where the bird would “take it”. I mean, I know where our thanksgiving turkey takes his stuffing…).  No one ever tells you what the bird or the bee symbolizes. Here I was thinking that there is some horny bee out there looking to stick all of these innocent looking little birds. I guess i really never put the whole “pregnancy” aspect into the equation because birds clearly lay eggs and bees just make honey (well according to the birds and the bees, the bees are  getting all the damn flowers pregnant. Sluts). What I’m trying to get at here is quite simply this: Who DOES explain to you what the birds and the bees are if you’re taking your parents out of the equation? I mean, what if you don’t have parents? Where did little orphan Annie learn about sex?? Who was there to guide her through life so she didn’t end up having a lot of little orphan Arnold’s?

In 7th grade we had the dreaded “maturation talk”. What a joyous, hormone-laden period of my life that was (well I wasn’t experiencing my teen angst stage at that point so all I had to rely on was my hormones). I remember our normal FACS (family and consumer science) teacher was out on maternity leave and we had the long-term sub there to teach all about the joys of said “birds and bees”. I remember going into class and getting a large, wordy packet but not being able to turn it over because “the boys were in the room and there were things on the packet they couldn’t see”. Let’s be real here. If you’re telling me that a 7th grade boy has never seen a good boob or two in their life, you’ve cat to be kitten me. The teacher had one of the male gym teachers come in and escort all of the boys to a separate room while all of the females stayed in the FACS room. From that moment on, I’ve never had a more mortifying experience in my life. I was confused the whole time, wanted to ask questions but couldn’t for fear of public smiting.

Our teacher was a youngin, early twenties maybe? She had a cute little powerpoint to give us insight into our “ever so blossoming bodies”. Sure, for some girls they were “blossoming”. Were boobs supposed to happen then? If so, i’m still waiting. Anyways, i’m sitting in class anxious to flip over this packet and get venturing into sex and boobs and uteruses (is that the plural form? Uteruses? Or is it uterusi?) and I am let down. Not just let down, i’m pretty sure my anxious little ovaries even sighed in unison. This teacher (who shall remain un-named) didn’t even MENTION sex or boobs or uteruses. When a picture popped up on the screen, she would “point” to it and say “And THAT is what will happen to your…THAT. When your older you’ll use THIS to touch THAT”. She might as well have said if you touch your THAT to THAT you will get chlamydia and you will die. BUT WAIT! I didn’t learn what chlamydia was until 10th grade (before you make any assumptions, I didn’t learn it by personal experience. Harry Walsh, an 80 something sex educator, made damn sure we all knew the life threatening properties of chlamydia. Thanks, Harry. I owe you one) so thank god someone taught me. Later on in the packet we had to do a picture and word bank match up. I would like you to take a moment and imagine something, just do it.

Little innocent Bella has no inkling as to how a vagina and an ovary are any different. The teacher comes over and asks what’s wrong and Bella responds with “Well, I don’t know what THAT or THAT even are, besides the fact that they’re not supposed to touch!!!

Parents, don’t rely on the school system to educate your children about sex and maturation. I had to learn it all on my own through school. I think I turned out pretty well.  I’m pretty sure my penis is different from all the other girls out there and my friend told me that one day my uterus will eat my testicles. See, I learned just fine on my own.

To this day, I still never finished the packet, I never grew boobs and I never learned what a vagina is. Hell, I still don’t know.

I’m Coming Out And I Hope You Can All Support Me

8 Aug

Hello everyone. I recently have found out I haven’t been acting like “normal” teenagers lately and I finally know why.

I haven’t experienced my “teen angst stage” thing and I’ve decided I’m going to try it. So please support me as I go through this as it is not an easy feat. Thank you all for your support. (Not what you were expecting, eh?)

Well, looks like it’s been awhile since I’ve dabbled in the blog world. I really haven’t been up to much. Just the usual eat, sleep, play with cats, act awkward and try to live up to this whole “teen angst stage” thing. It’s actually been going quite well! I’ve been trying to insert the Effenheimer into every sentence I can, coloring my hair all different shades of the rainbow and I even pierced my bellybutton with a safety pin. Whoever said you can get infections from at-home piercings is clearly lying…This green stuff coming out of my bellybutton doesn’t even smell funny.

*Disclaimer: Part of this whole “teen angst stage” thing is partaking in lying and sarcasm. Am I doing a good job yet?*

I actually have been thinking about the life teenagers and the thoughts I have conjured up are pretty intriguing I think. Shit. Do teenagers in the “teen angst stage” thing use complex verbs and adjectives? No. No they don’t because school is dumb and words are dumb, too. Shit. Do teenagers in the “teen angst stage” use proper grammar? duh no they don’t why am I acting so smart being smart is for stupid persons. duh.

In the general fashion of this blog, I’ve thought up a list of things I could do to further my journey into this whole “teen angst stage” and what I really think of these “teen angst stage” things. so enjoy this list yeah.

“Cute” Dinosaurs

No, i'm pretty sure this dyslexic "Rawr" means get the fuck out of the way because i'm about to eat your face off.

No, i’m pretty sure this dyslexic “Rawr” means get the fuck out of the way because i’m about to eat your face off.

ISN’T THIS JUST ADORABLE? I can’t think of a better way to express my undying teenage love than to draw cute little dinosaurs and making a cute message out of their dyslexic battle cry. I mean let’s be real, from what I’ve observed out of this whole “teen angst stage”, nothing has to be realistic. But this is TOTES REALISTIC. Back when dinosaurs were alive in like, the 1800’s, they said I love you to each other all the time. I just don’t really understand where all these teenagers learn to speak dinosaur? I mean, I speak whale so I guess that’s the same? So I’ve decided that to truly fit into my “teen angst stage” thing, i’m going to be drawing all of my friends cute little dinosaurs to tell them I love them.

Is green the new blue? Is it an ambiguous dinosaur couple? Like, no. Just no.

Yeah, this is cute. So are bagels.

Facial Piercings

WHO DOESN’T LIKE SHOVING NEEDLES IN THEIR FACE??????? I’ve recently been observing teens in their natural “teen angst stage” thing habitat (the mall) and this “facial piercing” craze is VERY POPULAR! Did you know you can fit a hole the size of a football in your ear lobe? OR did you know that you can pierce your nose like a bull and still manage to have rings in your nostrils? I’m in awe of these people. WANT TO KNOW WHAT THE BEST PART OF IT ALL IS? They did all these splendid piercings themselves!!!!!!!! (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) So fantastic. Just so fantastic. I can’t even fathom how wonderful this is. So in class nature of this whole “teen angst stage” I’ve decided I’m going to take up this next body altering project…

I think her makeup looks quite fetch.

I think her makeup looks quite fetch.

Long, Shaggy “Sk8r Boi” Hair

This could be quite challenging because I have a REALLY tricky part in my hair and the “comb-over” thing might not work out for my hair so well. But I’m going to try it! While I was observing other teens with the facial piercings I also noticed that they have such a different…style of hair. It’s one part greasy, one part lice, one part hat hair and four parts rebellion. So later today I’m going to go to the store and pick up some crisco and go to the daycare down the street and see what I can find for grease and lice! I’m so excited I can’t even contain myself. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. I’m hoping to look like this after the transformation…

I'm not sure how easy this is to fishtail...

I’m not sure how easy this is to fishtail…

Boobies Bracelets

THANK ALL THINGS HOLY, I ALREADY OWN ONE OF THESE!!!!!!!! I’m so excited to wear my bracelet with pride after my transformation. At school whenever all of the angsty kids used to wear these, teachers and other authority figures would always confiscate them. Which I never understood because technically, it’s supporting a good cause. Boobies, breasts, knockers, nunga-nungas; they’re all the same body part.

Her face says it's so wrong but inside she knows it's so right.

Her face says it’s so wrong but inside she knows it’s so right.

Club Penguin

Unfortunately I have already experimented with Club Penguin but due to my attempt at this whole “teen angst stage” I got suspended for swearing. Who the hell would have thought that would happen? I sure as hell thought it was one giant crock of shit…Freedom of speech my ass. But I think I’m going to register for a new account on a different email. Teenagers think club penguin is ALL THE RAGE. I’m so excited.

This shit is so fun.

This shit is so fun.

If you’ve made it to the end of this, thank you. I really hope this new journey takes me far and hopefully I can gain new friends from it!

If you’re questioning whether or not you should try to dabble in your “teen angst stage” thing, here is a homemade quote to help you decide:

“Angst is just a acceptable label for being perpetually angry. Use it to your advantage.”

Money Can’t Buy You Happiness, But It Can Buy You Huge Knockers

3 Jul

Being a teenager is hard. Being a teenager with a flat chest is even harder. My dad once told me,

“You can’t buy happiness but you sure can rent it by the hour”

To be quite honest I’m still not sure if there was a sexual innuendo in there or not, but it is true. So I was just thinking about my future life as always and I have compiled a list of things that I can look forward to:

  1. College
  2. A college education which will help me start a career
  3. A career which will rake in lots of dough and moola and things of that nature
  4. Lots of money means I can buy some huge knockers

Money can’t buy you happiness but it sure can buy you some huge knockers!

Who needs a popsicle when you got huge knockers? Exactly.

Who needs a popsicle when you got huge knockers? Exactly.

Which then led me to thinking, is anyone really happy with what they have? For me it’s always been the same ol’ fight with my sister, who has red, curly hair and I have thin, brown hair that has no ounce of life in it whatsoever. So in the true nature of this blog, I have compiled yet another list of things people are unhappy with and found a compromise.

1. Hair

Is anyone ever happy with their hair? People who have straight hair want curly hair, people with curly hair want straight hair and people with back hair want no hair at all. I had to go through the archives of google to find it, but I found a good compromise. You can thank the beautiful Brittney Spears for her ingenious solution for hair problems everywhere.

Brit Brit had her head in the right spot...Right next to the clippers.

Brit Brit had her head in the right spot…Right next to the clippers.

2. Body Image

I’m almost 100% positive that no one is completely content with their bodies. Even people like Ms. Upton have to have some sort of “flaw” that they are unhappy with (with knockers like that, I’d be the happiest person ever). Those who have more to love want less to love, those with less to love want more to love and those who want giant shelf asses that can carry small children just have to sit and hate their life. Usually when people want to change their bodies they have to turn to plastic surgery, dieting and exercise. Well being the self proclaimed genius that I am, I found a cost-effective and non-strenuous solution to push you in the right direction towards a killer body.

DSkfjdkjflfaj. No caption needed.

DSkfjdkjflfaj. No caption needed.

3. Social Status

It seems to me that no matter how much we love our friends, we have this urge to upgrade ourselves in the social ladder. The nerdy kids want to chill with the “cool” kids, the cool kids want to chill with Paris Hilton and then theirs the rest of us who just want huge knockers (okay…friends would be nice, too). So I came up with this solution which actually frequently works for me. Low maintenance, lots of unconditional love and not to mention they clean themselves.

Cats on cats on cats.

Cats on cats on cats.

4. Economic Status

The old saying of “keeping up with the Jones’ ” has now turned into Keeping Up With The Kardashians. Can anyone keep up with the Kardashians? Does anyone even know what direction to begin searching for enough money to keep up with them? South? East? North West? But in all seriousness, money seems to run everyone’s life. Isn’t it strange how a little piece of green paper can make or break a persons life? It can’t buy you happiness but it can buy you _________ (fill in the blank). Also as a disclaimer, whoever says money can’t buy you happiness has obviously never ridden a jet-ski.  So I delved deep into the depths of cable television and came up with a good solution. Ladies and ‘Gents, I present you with the hit TV show, Naked and Afraid. This show teaches us that not only can you live successfully without money, but you can do it naked on cable television.

I'm not sure if I could handle all of my lady bits flashing around in the wild.

I’m not sure if I could handle all of my lady bits flashing around in the wild.

So the next time you are unhappy with your life remember, there is always a compromise. I will leave you with quote that I made myself, use it whenever you are contemplating your happiness and economic status. I promise you will not go wrong!

“If you find yourself unhappy and broke, find a new job. Have you ever heard of an unhappy prostitute?”

*DISCLAIMER: Please use advice given in this post with caution*

Gossiping and Being Judgemental Are Just Like Being Naked

17 Jun

I had the pleasure of increasing my chances of cancer (I was tanning people, tanning..like outside) today with my best friend and I had a come to Jesus moment: everyone judges everyone and it’s perfectly normal. I love her to death and she’s just about the only person I can be brutally honest with and it’s wonderful (everyone should have someone like this in their life. If not, cats my friend). But down to the nitty grittys. As a normal angsty teen I was discussing the “problems of my life” and discussing the basics: How much I hate INSERT NAME HERE, how big INSERT NAME HERE’S thighs are, how much INSERT NAME HERE needs jesus. Now most of you are thinking what a terrible person, oh wait. That’s what 16 year old girls do. Yeah, but don’t we all? Of course she did her fair share of discussing said problems and did we feel better after it? Yes. Did we regret any of it? No. The one thing we both agreed on and I really took to heart was that a large majority of girls my age swear by “I never gossip about anyone or judge anyone, nothing behind anyones back”. Lolololololololololololololololololololol. If you know a girl who has said this, please pull her aside and slap that face while you can. EVERYONE PARTAKES IN JUDGEMENT AND GOSSIP. Let’s be real people,  IT FEELS GOOD! The things that people need to learn about judgement and gossip, is that they have they same rules asbeing naked in my eyes. So let’s compare being naked and judgement/gossip.

  • Nudity should (I use should just as a precaution) be used only in private, within your four walls. If you’re one of those people who like the whole nudist lifestyle (I fully support you), then go for it but just know it could backlash. Use this same mentality with gossip and judgement. Gossip in private, within secure four walls. If you decide to go out into the world and pass judgement, prepare for the wrath of life.
  • Sexting is illegal, right? Nudity should take have no place on your cell phone. Why? Because if you wouldn’t want the whole world seeing you naked at the mercy of social networking, don’t be naked on your cellie. TALKING about being naked on your phone, that’s okay. Being naked on your phone is not. In the same respect, don’t gossip or say something that you wouldn’t want to end up in a mass text or on the twitter. That actually could end up illegal; Cyber-bulllying, yo.
  • Now without trying to get too explicit here, watch who you get naked with. There are some people who are extrememly comfortable walking around the house naked with guests (so i’ve heard) and that can be bad. Not everyone wants to see you naked. It doesn’t matter if Kate Upton (okay, yes it does. that matters), not everyone wants to see you naked. In the same respect, not everyone wants to hear you gossip. Quite frankly, it can get super annoying. As well, no one likes to be around judgemental people all of the time. People don’t wanna see you naked all the time, people don’t wanna hear you gossip.
  • On the flip side, there can never be too much nakedness if used right. It’s healthy and freeing. Everyone knows or should know that feeling of just chillin after a long day on your couch naked. Chilling on the front porch naked is just too much, couch? Not so much. You can chill on your couch as much as you want, too. So, gossip and judgement is healthy and it let’s you blow off steam and anger. If it’s used right it can be extrememly helpful. Being naked can help you in plenty of ways. Use both in moderation, but don’t be afraid to indulge.

So, if you know someone who keeps swearing by the fact that they don’t judge or gossip, look them straight in the eyes and ask them…Are you ever naked? Were you born clothed? Do you shower fully clothed? No. We were born to be naked and we need to be naked at some point in our daily life. We were born to gossip and judge and we do so each and every day.

So get out there and get naked!

Life is A Disease With a 100% Mortality Rate

17 Jun

To any who have noticed (That’s like seven people) I haven’t worked thee ol’ blog in awhile. I usually try to stray away from excuses but I think i’d have a pretty good excuse lately. Have you or a loved one ever been blessed with Mono? If you haven’t, don’t. I repeat, run for the damn hills. Do not pass go, do not collect two hundred dollars and sit in jail if that’s what it takes to avoid Mono at all costs. School got out on June 6th for me and I swear to all things holy that the whole last week of school was hell because I couldn’t function. So to say the least, i’ve been a little out of it after 3 trips to the hospital and too many bottles of Percocet later. I’m not much of the debby downer type usually, in all honesty. But lately life has really been hitting me lately. People always say When you’re going through hell, just keep on going! and sometimes I just have to put my foot down and say No, I’m actually gonna pop a squat here and enjoy the scenery of hell and wait for someone to come along who knows what they’re doing. Then there’s that “Never give up” cheerleader part that everyone has that screams Kum-Bye-Yah in your ear and says keep going. After a few events in my life have happened i’ve realized that is OK to just be OK. You can’t just be happy all of the time and sometimes life’s gonna give you troubles that you’re not going to be able to handle right away. While I was in the hospital for the first round my dad was trying to create light conversation and I have no clue how he got on the topic, but he pops off with the strangest thing i’d ever heard him say. I told him “Dad, I think i’m dying”. He chuckled a bit and said, “well, we’re all dying”. I had heard that too many times and I tried convincing him, “well then dad, i’m dying a little bit faster than the rest”. He than said the thing that inspired today’s blog post: “Well, I was told once by a doctor that life is just a disease with a 100% mortality rate”. In that instance my heart sank to my butt as I realized how painstakingly true that it. I actually laughed a lot after he said that, we both did our fair share of laughing together. I got to the hospital and the doctor came in and did the routine “What are you in for” and he honestly didn’t believe me when I tried to convince him that I was dying. So he responded with the same ol’ “we’re all dying every day” (except make his voice really dumb and full of nasal tones, because that’s what I heard it as) and proceeded on with his routine examination. Leaving the hospital that night, I thought a lot about death and life. For those of you who have made it this far reading, I really am proud of you because i’m sure you’re all thinking the same thing: This girl needs prozac. But I really did start thinking about life and death. I always feel some sort of sadness people who are so burried in someone other than their will-power and self-determination (I may or may not be referencing things such as religion in this chunk here for those of you who are in touch with your religious sides). I’m not saying that i feel bad because people are religious, but i’m saying that sometimes people forget to lean on themselves. Leaning on whatever Godly figure floats your boat is awesome because we all need something else to lean on. But I start to feel bad when people can’t look to themselves for guidance or strength, they let “let jesus take the wheel” and walk away from life as a whole. Like, no. Grab that wheel and drive your life. And referencing the earlier text, if your wheel is spinning out of control, then stop driving. Pull over. Sometimes when you’re going through a tough time, it’s OK to be OK. Don’t always hand the wheel over to someone else, look within yourself and go from there. (Okay, the safest thing to do in this situation is clearly to pull over and call for help or something because if you’re not mentally stable to be driving because you’re consider letting someone else take the steering wheel for you while you’re driving, then this situation is far too much for our friend Ms. Underwood to help you with. I didn’t want to include this is the actual message because it’s kind of counterproductive but seriously, if you’re not feeling right in the noggin, call someone) Now girls are wired a bit differenly than guys, so when we “look within” we find like seven different emotions and a bottle of midol, so our choices to solve the situation are a bit more complicated. I’m not really quite sure what happens when guys “look within” and to be quite honest, I’m not sure I ever want to find out.

So to recap today, let’s just end with the following reminders:

  • When you’re going through hell, it’s okay to sit down, enjoy the scenery and wait for someone who looks like they know what to do.
  • It’s OK to be OK.
  • Lean on yourself and don’t always give the wheel to someone else
  • Life is a disease with a 100% mortality rate

So if you’ve made it to the end of this, I applaud you. Thank as always!

Maisy's Mom

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Just a dreaming teenage wallflower

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David Gaughran

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