Addiction is More Than 9 Letters

28 Feb

Preface: Ignore all spelling and grammatical errors. Proofreading is not my friend today and I’m sure as hell not going to decide to be a part of the grammar gestapo tonight. Too many feels.

So I haven’t been on the ol’ blog in almost a month and I’m going to be quite frank; this teenage angst stage thing really has me drowning in a pool of imbalanced chemicals and terribly wretched hormones.  So I’m sorry that I haven’t been spitting out any good material lately! This is a personal blog, right? Ha. This is my blog and what I say goes so yes, this is my personal blog and I use it to vent my personal problems while everyone finds humor in my creatively-worded tragic life events. And, due to the fact that I release all of my stress through words on a public domain (because that’s what all the cool people do, air their dirty laundry in public). Fuck. I just forgot what I was saying. That’s actually what I’m gonna vent about. I can’t remember shit lately and to be quite honest, the worst feeling in the world is knowing that you don’t have you marbles in the same jar.

Have you ever been at a point in your life when you’ve finally been content? You’re not completely happy, yet you’re not completely sad, but you’re content. You finally feel like you’ve gotten over your grief, settled most of your grievances and let go of the grudges you’ve held onto for quite sometime? AND THEN SOME DOUCHE COMES IN AND MESSES UP YOUR ENTIRE LIFE AND SHITS IN YOUR CEREAL AND MAKES ALL OF THE FLOWERS WILT AND DROPS SYMBOLISTIC ACID ON YOUR TONGUE AND THEN ALL OF THE WORK THAT YOU PUT INTO BEING HAPPY IS SUDDENLY DESTROYED AND YOU’RE ANGRY BECAUSE WHO DOES THIS SALLY THINK HE IS COMING IN AND SHITTING IN YOUR CEREAL LIKE WHO DOES THAT, WALKING AROUND LIKE HE OWNS YOUR CEREAL BOWL WHEN NO YOU ARE A SASSY INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DIDN’T NEED HIS SHIT. So that pretty much sums up my life metaphorically speaking. For the record, no one really “shit” in my cereal bowl. I’m sure I’ve referenced this in previous posts and whether you’ve put pieces together or not, I hate people. Just kidding. I’ve been struggling with someone for quite sometime and it has it’s ups and downs and it’s moments, but it’s at a crossroads. Hence, it is my fourteenth epiphany this week. If you’re not all about reading my personal life, stop reading. If you would like to continue, feel free. So I was in this really fucked up, awkward, unexplainable relationship (meh, that’s a gross word. I don’t know what it was. Is. We’re still sorting that out) basically, it consisted of me falling (he tripped me. It was a trip, not a fall) for him, him not knowing how to be a decent human being and admit he had feelings too and then he left for rehab because he’s a drug addict. So, I had one of the worst summers of my entire life because the person that I attached myself to left for four months and I had no contact with him the entire time. BUT, I’m supposed to keep telling myself that it’s a good thing that he’s in treatment because he’s SUPPOSED to be getting better and it’ll “change” him. Yeah, okay. I spend my entire time talking to his family, supporting him in any way that I can and not giving up on him like EVERYONE else had (has) and keeping my faith in him because, hey, everyone needs someone to believe in them, right? Wrong. He get’s back from treatment (and of course he writes a facebook status about it, completely ignoring the fact that I’ve sent him weekly messages of support) and the conversation goes like this:

Bella: Hey, glad you’re home from treatment and I hope everything went well.

Him: Yeah.

Four letters and a period. Four. Words. And. A. Period. I spend months supporting, loving and believing in someone who doesn’t have the decency to at least say HEY or HI or GO DIE. Nope. So, in that moment I cried. A lot. Ha. A lot is an understatement. But, I tried telling myself that he wasn’t worth it, he wasn’t worth my time and that I am a sassy, independent woman that don’t need no man. HAHAHAH. HAHAHAHAHAHHAHA. That doesn’t work and no matter how much you tell yourself that is does, it doesn’t. You try to pick yourself up as best you can and move forward. So that’s what I tried to do. I tried dating other people, doing other things to take my mind off the fact that I never received closure from anything and tried blocking him out of my head. I ignored him in the hallways and when people would tell me that he was talking about me, I told them I didn’t want to hear it. The subject was sore and it was something I tried to repress. I heard he was getting back into drugs again and drinking and half of me was like oh wow, I knew it. The other half of me died a little inside because I knew this kid like the back of my hand; he is one of the most musically talented I know. This kid never failed to make me so damn happy, even when he was pissing me off with every ounce of my being. The only person I couldn’t stay mad at no matter how hard I tried. I promised him before he left that I would never give up on him, ever. I told him whenever I got the chance, that I wasn’t ever gonna let go no matter what the circumstance was and no matter what happened, I believe in him and I wasn’t giving up. And for months after he came back I kept telling myself that I gave up, that he was hopeless and he was a lost cause; no hope. I firmly believe that the day that I FINALLY convinced myself that I gave and let go of him, was the day that he decided to come back into my damn life. It wasn’t even a nonchalant way of doing things, it was extremely straightforward and when his name popped on my phone, I think I went a little neurotic. At that moment, I realized that no matter how hard I tried to convince myself, I will NEVER give up on that kid. It’s crazy because no one will ever understand that kid like I do. He is a complete prick, I totally admit it. A complete asshole. I can’t even begin to explain how much this kid pisses me off. But he is also one of the most beautiful people I know and he has more to offer to the world then people want to see. I think the world of this kid and everyone will always judge the situation and judge me for my choices, but no one will ever understand our relationship. Are we in the process of sorting things out? Yes. Is it easy? Hell no. Not one bit. He finally realizes how he treated me like absolute shit and that I was the best thing in his life, but he still hasn’t made a conscience effort to want to turn his life around and stop being an addict. Thankfully, I’ve learned from last time and am still extremely guarded and am not going to let him into my life that easy. Simply put, if he meant everything he’s said and wants to prove to me he wants me, he’s got to work for it. And “wanting me” doesn’t necessarily have any kind of romantic connotation. We started out as friends and that’s what he lost overall, a friend.

Addiction is such a mind boggling thing. Addiction is so commonly misunderstood, that’s the hardest part of it all. People think if they give an addict an ultimatum, they’ll get the result they want. You can’t say “It’s either me or (INSERT ADDICTION HERE)”. Naïve people always tell me, “Well, just say to pick you or drugs”. Ha, okay. Clearly if you give a drug addict the choice of a girl or a bottle of pills, they’re clearly gonna pick the pills. Watching an addict throw their life away is probably the hardest part and you can all say it, probably not the smartest choice to stick around and watch the downward spiral. I keep asking myself all of the time exactly WHY I stick around but honestly, I don’t know? I don’t even know if it’s something Freud can help me with because it’s so mind-boggling. I don’t know why I stay. I don’t know why I let someone back into my life when I was finally at peace, but I am a firm believer that the moment I gave up was the moment he came back. Addiction all starts with one choice, one really stupid choice and soon, it blossoms into a lifetime of struggle and pain. Obviously, I can’t speak from exact personal experience but I can say that I watched it firsthand and I watched what it does to a person. It rips families apart and takes a future and flushes it down the toilet. It takes lives, breaks lives and makes living unbearable. I think the biggest pet peeve is when someone says that an addict is an addict because they choose to be. As I stated earlier, it’s a stupid choice that turns into a lifetime of chaos and from there on, you’re screwed. After that one stupid choice, why would someone choose to then throw the rest of their life away? Go to the google and look at what Meth does to the brain and you then try to tell me that someone chooses to feel like they have bugs crawling on their face. Yeah, didn’t think so.

I know the exact thoughts running through your head right now, too. I’m a stupid teenage girl who gets involved with stupid people and have no reason to complain when I brought this all upon myself. And you’re right. I know that you’re sitting here reading this and saying that I’m complaining about playing with fire and getting burned when I walked up and sat around the campfire in the first place. It’s so strange because I have been able to walk away from so, so, so many people in my life. How many girls do you know that have been able to leave a physically and emotionally abusive relationship at the age of 14? Well if you didn’t know one before that sentence, you do now. How many girls do you know that perform a speech every goddamn Saturday at 9AM that reflects their experience with rape and their experience with rape culture at the ripe ol’ age of 17? So answer me this; why is it so goddamn hard for me to walk away from a person that is so deep into addiction that only the grace of God can save them?

Addiction is so much more than nine letters. So much more.

Pedophiles, This Post is For You

3 Feb

If you clicked on this, I’m ashamed. Very ashamed. Shame. But on a more serious note, this post is going to be very short.

I was recently clicking through my stats and notifications on the ol’ blog here and I came across all of my search engine hits. Whoa is all I can say. Whoa.

(Search engine hits means that when people type certain things into the google, they can find my blog. So people type in some strange shit and find my blog)

Blog Picture 3 Blown UpBlog Picture 2 Blown up

Now you are going to have to zoom into the pictures but let me tell you…they are worth it.

Happy Monday, you icky peasants.

That Little Green “Drug”

29 Jan

So I just came to the realization that I’m a drug addict. It’s a terrible habit, I get headaches and anxiety because of it and I really need to stop. But I can’t be to blame for all of it! It’s so easy to find and it’s literally everywhere. People my age? Yeah, we worship it. Can’t get enough. Literally, I have one friend that borrows it from my all the damn time. Parents? Yeah, they never have enough of it and it’s even stressing ME out. They need some and I need some. I can’t stop thinking about it. If I don’t have any, I’m stressed and anxious. If I do have some, I’m happy but not satisfied and will literally do ANYTHING to get more. I honestly don’t know how I’m going to be able to live my life like this.

Believe it or not, I’m not talking about marijuana. I’m actually talking about money. Think about it. It’s everywhere, but we never have enough of it. People my age are obsessed with it and my parents never have enough of it. Now even though people my age are obsessed with pot, too, that’s not the point. I’ve been getting older (no shit, Bella, Everyone is getting older) and money has been the center of my entire life. I know you’re not supposed to discuss your monetary standings because it’s not classy but let’s all get one thing out of the way; no one every talks about Bella and says “Wow, what a classy young feller”. Well, some people do but I’m pretty sure it’s because they’re on a little green drug of their own.  But anywho, money has been the center of my life. I get so excited for Friday nights AND it’s not even because I have a life (I don’t, let’s clear that up, too); it’s because my check clears through the bank on Friday’s. I have so much to start looking forward to in regards to money. Taxes, bills, student loans, more student loans, student loans, loans in general, more student loans, money to bail me out for harming the creator of student loans, car payments, rent, cell phone bills, student loans. Wow, growing up is so fun.

I’ve heard people talk about the obsession with money. Something about the fact that we spend all of our lives chasing a little green piece of paper. That’s true though, isn’t it? We spend so much of our time obsessed over money. Whether it’s spending money, making money, eating money, breathing money, shitting money; we do it all.  Don’t even get me started on debt! We spend so much of our time worrying about the money that we DON’T have and don’t focus on what we DO have. Money controls our mood. If we have it, we’re satisfied but we want more. If we don’t have it, we’re anxious and will do anything to get it. If that doesn’t sound like a drug problem, I don’t know what is.

I’ve been thinking about a few things lately which is weird because clearly, I don’t think. In general fashion of this blog, I’m going to make a list of things I do to save money.

Wear Used Clothes

I don’t think I ever buy brand new clothes. To be honest, all of my clothes are second-hand. I shop Goodwill and Savers (not so much savers, too much sketchy biz goin on in there) and I really like the Clothes Mentor and Plato’s Closet. Literally, I buy everything there (besides underwear. I really like my own underwear). Goodwill is my favorite, though. I’ve bought suits for swimming and for business occasion, shoes, backpacks and I even bought my boyfriend there. Not only can you buy things things, you can also donate all of the old stuff you bought there! When you donate, you also get a coupon for 20% off. Yeah, I like coupons. I like to go to second-hand stores to buy things that people normally wouldn’t think of either, like furniture and bedding. Who needs to go dorm shopping and spend loads of money when you can do it for cheap. I’m in.

Recycle Bath Water

Okay no. This is never okay. Never. Next subject.

Use Coupons

Coupons are good! You don’t need to turn into an extreme coupon lady, either.  But as a young person, I already value coupons. There is no shame in looking through the Sunday paper and cutting a few coupons. Often times, there are a lot of buy-one-get-one type deals and you end up getting two things for the price of one. MIND BLOWN. Coupons can be used on a lot of things, especially the necessities. A lot of people think of coupons as for just food but I don’t ever buy razors, toothpaste or bathing products without using a coupon.

Buy Expired

Okay, this might sound weird to some of you but it’s actually not. Sometimes what grocery stores will do is put their almost-expired items on clearance or reduce the price drastically. What some people don’t realize is that when something “expires”, it’s not always bad. Unless it’s milk, then it’s always bad. But canned and boxed items rarely “expire”, so when they’re price is marked down, buy them. Checking dates is important, but sometimes things are still good after the “best buy” date.

If you have learned anything from today’s lesson, props to you because I’m still trying to find a moral in all of this. If I had anything wisdom related to say, I would probably say stop being so concerned with money. Limit your spending, save your cash and buy smart. Do those three things and you’ll be golden. But what do I know, I’m just a angsty teen who should be spending her money on things like condoms and illicit drugs and starbucks. Naturally, here’s a homemade quote.

“He who can learn to love money is smart”

Consolation Blog Post

21 Jan

Hello.

My name is Bella, I’ve been addicted to living for 17 years.

Instead of writing a real post, I’m going to use fancy formatting and clever literary tools to

fool

all

of

you

into thinking I’m actually writing something of substance.

I’m fluent in jumble, testing my mumble and dabbling in being humble,

Which is really weird because I’m trying to rhyme and I’m not sure if I just made words right there? The feels.

I can’t tell if I’m constipated or if I’ve got emotional back up. I’ll keep you all posted if it turns into the runs.

Running;

I don’t do that. Ever.

Sometimes I think I should run for fun but then I remember that run rhymes with gun and since I’m trying this rhyming thing,

I shall stay away from the word “run”.

The only time I shall “run” is when I do this “run” from life.

I’m envisioning a sunset and sand,

awkward tourists and binoculars,

Nudist beach, question mark?

If I had a choice of vacation it would be to a nudist beach.

Is that wrong? No. No it’s not.

No no no never run from life.

Look at life, listen to life, learn from life.

Well, no nudist beach for this ninny.

What rhymes with nudist?

Jewish?

NOPE. NOT THAT. OOPS.

No, stahp.

I said Jewish in a conversation once, yeah

a kid told me I was being racist and I was like, uh

no, pretty sure the word “Jewish” isn’t racist.

Context in which Jewish is used can equal racist

People make words racist, sexist, you name it

words can be it.

Don’t hate the words, hate the person who is dumb enough to make people hate the words

What’s a word anyways?

Let’s get thoughtful here: a word is simply an inkblot waiting to be read.

The ink is a butterfly to one and a zip tie to another; one floats away and one chokes.

One word floats, one word chokes.

Words are so ugh

Words make life basically

Words are on socks and underwear and tampon boxes and M&M’s

Gross, words are on tampons and my food?

Officially turned off of food, Thanks Obama.

If you take any notes on my words, read them like an inkblot

Look at the words, cross your eyes and read them so slow you grow algae.

Words are open to interpret

Interpret carefully.

Speak Loudly and Carry a Big Sword and Shield

1 Jan

Happy New Years, ya filthy animals! I hope that everyone had a wonderful new years and got to kiss someone. Just kidding, I hope all of you were as miserable as I was and figured it was time to give up on being happy at 2:30AM. I’m not really big on doing those whole “New Years resolution” things because I know that I am terrible at following through on plans and I would rather eat Cheetos then lose weight. But, I do have a few “New Years Contemplations” that I believe are worth sharing…

  • Swear Less
  • Lose Weight Maintain weight
  • Fall in Love Get another cat
  • Use Less Sarcasm Use less sarcasm in public places
  • Find Jesus Find Hispanic man named Jesus
  • Be Happy

I realized after I wrote my “New Years Contemplations” that some of them needed to be revised. Needless to say, I think my contemplations are off to a really good start. I’m more then content with who I am, I just want to be a better version of myself in 2014. Looking forward, 2014 is going to be one hell of a life-changing year. Today marks exactly 150 days until I walk across the stage and get a piece of paper I’ve been working 13 years for. I’ll have moved out of the house by the time summer is here and i’ll be starting college in the fall. Yeah, my 2014 is going to be full of tea and crumpets and debt. One thing I forgot to do in 2013, though, I will not forget to do in 2014. I forgot to be happy. This past year was a really bumpy one; I’m sad to say that it’s a year that I questioned if I was going to make it through at times. But I figured out that it’s all about choices and if I want to be happy, I need to make the choice to be happy.

On September 2nd, 1901, Theodore Roosevelt used the phrase “Speak softly and carry a big stick; you will go far” at our very own Minnesota State Fair. The Big Stick ideology is one that has been used for a long, long time and has proven successful. If you have a hard time reading between the lines and can’t figure out what the quote means (or if you’re too damn lazy to google it), It simply means this: Speak with caution and use non-aggression to solve problems, but threaten violence if necessary. Well, I’d like to say that from now on, I’m going to modify that phrase to fit my life from now on. I have spoken with caution and tried non-aggressive tactics for the longest time, but no one listens to me. I feel like after I speak loudly, something much more powerful than a big stick is going to be necessary, so I’m going to start carrying a sword. And for sally’s sakes, I’m going to carry a shield, too, because I work to hard on making my face stay attractive then to let it get messed up. So, if you feel like messing up my happiness this year, this will more then likely be the scenario you will be in:

Dumb person: Bella you’re dumb.

Bella: You’re dumb, too. (Bella proceeds to find the nearest inanimate objects, which so happens to be a toaster and cucumber, and begins beating the dumb person with the toaster, all whilst screaming out vulgar obscenities because well, Bella is a fearless lady who, like the honey badger, don’t give a fuck. After the dumb person has taken their beating via kitchen appliance like a champ, Bella screams more obscenities.)

Dumb Person: (Dumb person doesn’t saying anything because they are occupied by the cucumber lodged up their rectum.)

So, if anyone has any questions about my mantra this year, feel free to ask questions, I’ll be more then happy to clear them up. I’ve just figured out that sitting in the shadows and not speaking up does not get you anywhere. Push-overs get pushed-over. I am not, nor will I ever be a push-over. So now that the aggressive, third-person version of myself, it’s time to start getting a little bit more real. So, if you’re the type of person who can’t handle raw-emotions and real feelings, thanks for reading this far! If you have had some troubles in your life lately and feel like anything I could say could help you, then keep on reading mi amigo.

Aside from using more aggressive tactics, I’m gonna start 2014 finding happiness in myself and myself only. I’ve learned the hard way that material items and people don’t make you happy, your own personal choices and decisions are what really make you happy. So many times I hear about people trying to find that “special someone” who lights up their freaking world or a new pair of sparkly Ugg boots that almost makes them drop their Starbucks. Well, I’m here to burst your bubble and say that none of that will make you truly happy. Now when I mean happy, I mean a different type of happy then that fake ass emoji on the iphone that looks like it’s been snorting lines. I mean the type of happy that gets you out of bed every single morning simply because you’re happy to start the day. This type of happy is the type of happy that will have you singing a song in silence and blowing kisses at brick walls, because god forbid brick walls deserve to be loved, too. This isn’t the type of happy that waits around for a goodnight text, this is the type of happy that shuts the phone off and blows out the candle in your heart and whispers “Go to sleep damnit”. Why do you want this type of happy? Because this type of happiness is something that only you can find; no one can find it for you. No one can judge your type of happy because no ones happiness is the same. If they do judge you, you don’t care because you’re to busy painting rainbows with your eyes and listening to bliss with your heart. Some of you might argue that you’ve found this type of happy with a significant other  or a pair of boots, but I am going to disagree with you. You know you’re reading this and there is something nagging at the back of your brain and you know damn well what I’m talking about. Find yourself and be happy, you owe it to yourself.

One of the hardest lessons I learned in 2013 was that I am not a superhero, I am a person. I can’t fix people and I can’t fix there problems. That lesson was a really hard one to learn. Unfortunately for me, I thought that I could befriend someone and fix their problems, and in turn I thought I was going to be happy. I fell really hard for this person and by doing that, I forever gave myself the mentality that I could fix someone. You know the saying “You can’t fix what’s not broken”? Well, you also can’t fix what is broken, you just have to live with it and accept it for who it is, all while learning how to take it or leave it in the process. He left to go try to fix himself for a few months and in that process, I learned that I am not superman and I can’t keep holding out for something that isn’t going to change. I’ve repeated the process a few times since then and honestly, it doesn’t get any better each time. But boy, this last one was special I tell you. He can’t be fixed, he won’t be fixed and all I can do is offer my shoulder to cry on and walk away. It’s a really hard lesson to learn and walking away from this one is going to be hard but I’m gonna do it because why? I deserve to be happy. I am not a superhero, I can’t fix people or there problems. All I can do is fix me, fix my problems and hope to hell that I’ll walk away with that type of happy.

Now that I’ve gotten the less-aggressive side, I’m here to leave you with the only words of wisdom I know how. Never let anyone take your happiness and stop relying on material things or people to provide you with that happiness. Don’t try to fix people, you’re not a superhero. Lastly? Find that type of happy.  Generally I leave you with a homemade quote or mantra but for the first time, I’m not going to. It’s a new year, make up your own mantra and stick with it. Me? I’m going to speak loudly and carry a big sword and shield.

I’m Coming Out (It’s Not What You Think, I Promise)

29 Dec

Nope, I’m not gay. But it is about time that I came out.  I’d like to think of my coming out as more of a declaration of independence, an emancipation proclamation to free who I really am as a person. Some people believe in the whole “New Year, New You” thing, but why can’t we have a “New You” every single day of the week? Why wait around for a single day, or a moment rather, to change who you are? Well, this is my moment.

I’ve gotten a lot of flack from people lately about who I am as a person. (I’m more than likely going to get a lot more of that flack being that I’m discussing MY problems on MY personal blog. I am such a terrible person ha. ha. ha.) If you’re going to have a problem with me after reading this or already have a problem with my before reading this, I suggest that you stop reading and get me out of your life. I get that I’m an extremely interesting person, but I can promise that I’m not interesting enough to pick a fight with. You, my friends, will lose. That being said, I’d like to address some things and come out to all of you in the best way that I know how.

I’m a Mean Person

There, I said it. I’m a mean person. Has that satisfied anyone? It doesn’t feel very satisfying to me. Those four words don’t build me up, nor break me down as a person. So telling me that I’m a mean person does not affect me, I know I’m a mean person. I judge people, I use demeaning and degrading words, I talk about people behind their back and yes, I even blog about people and my problems for the world to see. Is that satisfying to people? Before going any further, let’s look at todays definition of mean. Hell, I can’t even figure out a true definition of the word mean. If you can’t back up a word with a definition, don’t use it. I don’t really know what the word pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanokoniosis means, therefore I don’t use it my vocabulary, nor do I use it towards people. yes, our friend Webster’s Dictionary has a definition for the word “Mean”, but there’s also a definition for the word “The”, so I’d like to not base definitions solely on the dictionary. What I’m trying to get across is that don’t go calling someone a name that you can’t back up with a universal definition.

I have recently been told that my blog is mean, as well as my Facebook, twitter and social media posts. We’ve already covered that I am mean, so this is no news to me. My Facebook is able to be viewed by strictly friends, but I do have a lot of “friends” on my page. I am open with what I post, try to be careful of what I post and be conscientious of who is viewing what I post. If I do post something strong on Facebook, it’s for a reason. It has a purpose. I know who is viewing it. Example, If I am writing publicly to have people stop gossiping about me, then I mean every word that I say. I am very aware that it could very well piss people off. Well cool, that’s good for them. I gossip, I admit that, too. I’m hypocritical. What I’d like to challenge everyone to do is to take a step back and ask themselves something very simple: Can I admit my flaws? If you can’t point out your own flaws and your own faults, then I’d like to say that you have no business pointing out anyone else’s. Pointing fingers is frowned upon in the first place, but if you’re gonna do it, you better be able to back it up and be able to admit your own problems yourself. My twitter is my twitter, I’m not perfect. I say a lot of things on there and try to keep the “subtweeting” about my peers to a minimum. Can’t handle my Facebook or twitter? Block me, delete me. I will NOT be offended! I think I have about 76 people on my Facebook block list? Now a large majority of you are going to roll your eyes and go “Oh my gosh, blocking people doesn’t solve all of your problems, how immature”. Hmmm. Blocking people might not get people out of my life and solve my problems, but it sure does get a point across. As for my blog, I have nothing to apologize for. Clicking every link that is posted, searching for it on Google and reading my posts is up to YOU. You’re reading this right now because you made a conscious effort to click, scroll, etc. If you’re going to get angry at my posts, my language, and my domain in general, then don’t click. Simple as that! My blog is for my personal use and I can say that I have NEVER, nor will I ever include peoples names and personal information. If you feel something is about you or you feel affected by something, I can’t offer you any advice. My posts are a reflection of my life and peoples actions. If you’ve influenced it, then swallow your pride and realize it. If you feel like something is about you, chances are it could be. If the shoe fits, then lace that bitch up and wear it. Enough said. My blog. My space. My words. My thoughts. I can’t please everyone and I’m not going to try.

So here it is: I deeply and sincerely apologize to anyone I have hurt, fucked over, lied to, cheated, degraded and demeaned. I am sorry, I will never be able to take any of that back, but I can move forward and be a better person. That being said, I’d like to say I will NEVER apologize for being a strong, independent person who is not afraid to voice their opinion. I will never EVER apologize for speaking my mind and saying the things that other people are afraid to say. I will not sit in the shadows and let people treat me with disrespect, either. If standing up for myself and being an individual person makes me “mean”, then I never want to be “nice”. I’ve come out and said it and admitted who I am and what I stand for and WOW does it feel good!

So I’m gonna finish up here in the same way that I always do. If you’ve read this entire post, I thank you. I want to thank everyone who supports me and provides me with positive information and affirmation. So, thank you all! So here it is, words of wisdom straight from my brain to the page.

“I try to be myself as much as possible. Which just means that I’m awkward and bitchy as much as possible.”

It’s Better Being Bitter

1 Dec

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately (thinking, I know right?) and a lot of it has been in a harshly realistic fashion. You see, I prefer to look at myself as harshly realistic. Which sounds better: Harshly realistic or pessimistic? Frankly, they both sound terrible but let’s have things go my way and say that harshly realistic sounds absolutely wonderful. But there’s a fine line between harshly realistic and bitter. I’d like to say I’m a little bit of both. If you sit down at the end of the day and think about all of the things you have to be thankful for, I’m sure the list goes on for miles. Now, sit down at the end of the day and think about the things in your life that absolutely suck (I am going to use “suck” as an adjective…some people prefer “inhale vigorously” and I say bite me). When I do this, I like to get on my knees and bow my head while I silently curse at every dipshit who made my day suck, as well as everyone from birth to present day who has tried to rain on my ever-so-marching parade. Of course by this point, I realize that all of you optimistic sally’s out there have already put me on your prayer list and thought of how terrible I am to hold grudges and say bad words about people. Let’s just establish this you sally’s: Life sucks. Wow, there I am on a roll about the word sucks today.

To all of you who have nothing better to with your life then read this blog, if you can count the number of times the word “sucks” is mentioned, I’ll give you some sort of cliché present. Ready set go.

In pre-school, a girl in my class told me she was going to lock me in my car-seat (safety first, kids) in the back of their car and her dad was going to shoot me with her shotgun. In fourth grade, kids in my class called me a retard because I had to use the elevator instead of the stairs. When I was a freshman, I let a male control my every move and change who I was. Last year, I was tormented by majority of the student body via every social media website possible and told to go die because I stood up for myself when I found something to be unethical. Part of me asks myself why I would ever want to bring up any of those moments. But memories are crazy things, huh? We remember the things we love, forget the things that aren’t important and can’t seem to let go of the things that hurt us the most. I sit down at the end of the day and remember all of the things that I love, and then I forget all the things that aren’t important and take a long, hard look at the memories that I can’t let go. Confused? It’s quite simple, really. Take the negative things and turn them into motivation.

Motivation comes in all different sorts for all different sorts of people. I think I touched a little bit on motivation in my last post, but it comes down to how you’re motivated as a person. I’m extremely intrinsically motivated and that’s something that sure helps in my life. Using negative experiences drives me to become a better person. I guess you could say it’s almost a little egotistical in the sense that I want to be the best person that I can be and show others that they didn’t hold me back whatsoever. I would think that everyone feels a little bit of that at some point in there life, right? I would rather remember every single cruel word, hard slap and degrading thing that has been done to me instead of forgetting it all. Some would say that is extremely masochistic, but I would like to point out that I lead a pretty bland love life and that masochism has never, nor will it ever become a part of my life. Unless Christian Grey and the red room of pain is involved, then I’d gladly be anything. You can also argue that I’m extremely bitter and holding on to grudges. False, if I was holding onto grudges, I would have no friends and I would have killed all of humanity in the slowest way known to man (or lack of man, due to the fact that I would have killed them all). There is such a big difference between being bitter and embracing what you’ve been through. I’ve forgiven most of the people I’ve held grudges against, but that does not mean I will never forget what transpired in the past.

“Yes, the past hurts. But the way I see it, you either run from it, or learn from it”

Learning and holding on to the past does not mean that I am bitter. Remembering the people who have done me wrong is not bitter. Life sucks, but I’m not bitter about it. I mean yes, I have my days when I just hate people in their entirety, but I am not bitter about life. I am harshly realistic. Nothing lasts forever, Santa Claus isn’t real and neither are Kim Kardashians boobs. Lemons are bitter, but you never see people bitching about life giving them lemons? You see people pull up their big girl/boy pants and make some lemonade.  Those are the optimistic people, claps for you optimistic people. So to get back into the swing of things, I’m gonna leave you with a quote that I wrote in the bathroom.

This image shows a whole and a cut lemon.

These are my lemons, they were grown in a BS free environment and I grew them myself with no help from any man. Thank Obama.

“When life hands you lemons, smile kindly and say ‘no, thank you’, because you are a sassy, independent woman who don’t need life to give you no lemons. You are a woman who can get her own damn lemons”

Epiphanies Worth Sharing (Or So My Cat Told Me)

24 Nov

Now that I’ve tried to write this first sentence about 400 times now, I’m going to stop erasing it and leave it on the 401st try. Now that I’m skipping to the 2nd second, I’d like to take the time to explain my version of the word “epiphany”.

Bella’s version of the word epiphany: Epiphany. Epiphany is that moment when you realize that after 17 years of your life, you finally realize what “if a tree falls in the forest” is really getting at. Epiphany is one of those moments when you realize that you can turn one-ply toilet paper into two-ply toilet paper by folding it over, that brief moment in your day when you realize that it’s five o’clock somewhere even though is only two in the afternoon and incredibly miserable. An epiphany is when you look up at the sky and it’s blue, even though it isn’t really blue, it’s just a bunch of gas and reflections of the oceans and shit. Yeah, science just gave me a royal epiphany. Epiphany, that moment when you realize that it really is a “come to Jesus moment” because you see little visions of Jesus running to you. Please, don’t get the word “euphoric” and epiphany mixed up. But, if you’re in a state of euphoria, you may or may not be experiencing about 700 epiphanies per purple goat that runs by.

That being said, I’ve had about 3 epiphanies this week and it’s absolutely terrible. Except, in all of these epiphanies, Jesus never ran to me. A homeless man with a striking resemblance to Jesus might have, and this homeless man might have been wearing sandals, but Jesus still never ran to me. Getting back on subject, I’ve had a few thoughts this week that have both helped me and pissed me off plenty, and I thought they might be worth sharing. So if you like quick reading, this post is most definitely for you.

Confronting Problems

Often times, when we’re faced with problems, we can do one of two things; confront it or condemn it. When I say condemn it, I mean that we can shut the problem out of our lives and look at said problem as a bad thing. What happens if we flip around the condemning and look at the problem as motivation? Now, depending on if you’re intrinsically motivated or extrinsically motivated,  becoming motivated to solve your problems can become a problem in itself. Instead of looking at the problem as something that can harm you, look at it as something that can help you. Solving your own conflicts and problems can boost self-esteem, increase your problems solving skills and you become stronger as a person. When I’m faced with a problem, I go through a set of stages (almost like mini stages of grief…it’s quite tiring actually) to eventually confront my problem. I start off getting angry at the problem, brainstorming ways to confront my problem, think realistically about my problem and finally work up the courage to confront the problem. Look at confronting a problem like this: Inner conflicts causes stress within us. By confronting a problem, we can learn how to manage stress and learn ways to not get in that conflict again and if we do, how we can work through it again using the tools we learned in the previous situation. Solving problems was a huge epiphany this week. I’ve been dreading solving certain problems this past week and after some really deep thinking, I realized that I need to face my problems head on because after all is said and done, it’s actually going to benefit me. Epiphany number one? Face your problems head on, the reward is worth much more than anticipated.

Ethical Thinking

Ethics, defined in merriam-webster as “following accepted rules of behavior : morally right and good”, ethics are something that each individual needs to define for themselves. Ethics often come with  conflict I feel like. If you’re ever questioning if something is “right” or “wrong”, ask yourself a few questions! Is this conflict or problem harming anyone either emotionally or physically? Is this unlawful or could being associated with this get me in trouble with the law? Usually when you have any question if something is ethical or not, there is usually something that is not right about it. A lot of times when someone tries to do the “ethical thing”, there’s criticism from another person or group of people. It’ll be hard to “do the right thing” sometimes, but in the end it’s worth it. Ask yourself if it conflicts with your own morals, if it’s harming you or anyone around you and if it’s unlawful. If you can’t say “no” to all three of those questions, then you have a problem. Epiphany number two? Always stick with your morals and ethics, no matter what.

Stepping Running Out of Your Comfort Zone is OKAY

Comfort zones are boring. Yes, they are clearly a “comfortable” way to live, but no one gets anywhere in life by being “comfortable”. Life is short. The most exciting thing about life is that there is no promise of tomorrow, so you have to promise to live like there is no tomorrow. I’ve learned throughout this whole teen angst stage thing that there is nothing comfortable about life right now (acne is most definitely not comfortable, I will tell you that much). Decisions are tough, but you’ll never get anywhere by not making decisions. Hell, everything is a decision. Putting on pants this morning? Definitely was a decision that I did not make. Sometimes we run out of our comfort zone before thinking, but that’s not always a bad thing. Ego’s and logic keep us in our comfort zone and sometimes, that sucks. A lot. Leave you ego at the door because it’s not going to help you here. All in all, the big epiphany here was that I had to make a big decision that I wasn’t sure I was ready to make. Epiphany number three? Don’t step outside of the box. Rip the box open, stomp it until it’s flat and light it on fire as you run away.

For all of you who are reading this and wondering why I’m discussing ethics, problems and comfort zones, don’t be alarmed. I’m not trying to write something that is symbol for some sort of life-changing, un-ethical, immoral decision. I’m writing this as a symbol to say hey everyone, I applied to college and quit my job all in the same week. AKA I’ve had about 400 million more epiphanies this week that seem more like panic attacks masked teenage hormones.

So now that I’m broke and unemployed, my brain will be in a temporary state of manic. Meanwhile, my kidneys and I are off to the black market.

The Ol’ Blog Got It’s First Hate-Comment

2 Nov

There comes a moment when the virtual cherry is popped and the ol’ blog receives its first spam/hate/funny comment. To those of you who actually read the ol’ blog and follow my journey through this teen angst stage thing, I appreciate you more than you know! If you ever feel like leaving a comment, concern or question, feel free! As a writer (or whatever the hell this is) I’m ALWAYS open to criticism, may it be constructive or you just feel like being a giant hemorrhoid and leaving me hate-mail. Different strokes for different folks, but comments are always welcome.

First, might I just say that if you are going to leave me said hate mail, nothing is more gut-wrenching and impactful than improper spelling. I just live for those moments when I get a nasty text message that says:

“Omg gurl yew such a nasty azz ho. Just stahp”.

Sad to say that I have actually received said message and I must say that I was, quite frankly, shaking in my “nasty azz ho” crocs. So please, before you decide to drop a deuce of a comment, please spellcheck. It’s much more meaningful.

Second, might I just add that ellipses are much more effective when placed in the right spot… right… it isn’t effective… if you add them in… wherever… do you get my… point?

Here is the main event of the whole post here: I recently received a gloriously uplifting  comment on my recent post, and due to the fact that I am overjoyed that it is my first ever hate-comment, I thought i’d be a dear and share it with you. Before I share it, I must provide a bit of a backstory. Over the past year or so, I have had a rather creepy man in his 30 something years finding me on every social media platform out there. First, I noticed him on my instagram and he went through and commented on all of my photos that were a little more provocative than others. I kept him unblocked for awhile but after it go uncalled for, I blocked him. Not long after that, I gained a new follower on twitter and soon after that I protected the account. I recently when on to check my blog and i found this comment by the same domain name as all of his other platforms. Needless to say, I blocked him on everything I could an did some “stalking” of my own and found him on facebook.

You can find the comment on my post, “Wrecking Ball or Wrecking Balls?”, if you’d like to see it in real time action. Below is the comment and my response after I found the young man on facebook. All names are left out.

“Girl you need to start enjoying life more and quit your whining… Teen angst? Sounds more like you’re fucking going through menopauze. You’re hurt and mad… We get it.. Smoke a blunt and move on.”

That was the comment and this was the response:

Hello,

I am here to inform you that if you do not refrain from finding me and spamming with lewd and vulgar behavior on every social media platform available, I will be contacting the authorities. I find it highly inappropriate that a grown man is seeking out a 17 year old young lady and provoking absolutely disgusting behavior. I have your twitter, instagram and facebook all written down and if I need to, it will not be that hard to track down an address and a phone number, due to the fact you keep much of your information open. On the note of your comment on my blog, I do appreciate the advice. My intent of blogging is to write my thoughts and feelings and if anyone cares to read them, they can. My intent of blogging is not to gain the popularity and approval of others. Since you seem to be a frequent watcher of my personal life, I am not going through “Menopauze” (It is spelled menopause actually) due to the fact that my uterus and ovaries are still intact and I menstruate on a monthly basis. I do appreciate the advice on “smoking a blunt and moving on”, but I would much rather be a productive member of society and focus on my job, my studies and blogging about my personal life and menstruation cycle.

Again, please do not take this friendly message lightly and I hope you begin to realize that stalking is a very serious matter that I do NOT take lightly. I do not think our legal system takes it lightly, either, being that I am still a minor and you are very clearly not. I have done some “stalking” of my own and I have come to the conclusion that instead of worrying about my personal life, you should focus on your family and child-to-be.

I will be praying for you in the hopes that HE can help guide you down the right path.

Best,

Bella Schaefer

In the spirit of the blog, I will leave you with a homemade quote.

“Menopause has the word men in it for a reason”

Wrecking Ball or Wrecking Balls?

16 Oct

WARNING: THIS BLOG POST CONTAINS CRUDE HUMOR, PROFANITY AND LARGE DOSES OF SEXUAL INUENDOS. AS WELL, ALL OF YOU ASSHOLES WHO HAVE PISSED ME OFF IN THE PAST WHILE PLAY A LARGE ROLE IN THE MAKING OF THIS BLOG POST. FEEL FREE TO FIND YOURSELF AND ADMIRE THE NATURE OF YOUR ASSHOLE-NESS.

So the question stands. For those of you who dwell on this poor excuse for writing, I’m sorry it’s been so long since I’ve written anything. For those of you who actually know me, you know I’m not really sorry and quite frankly, I hate all of you. In the time since I’ve written last, a lot has happened. I’m still trying to live through my teenage angst stage thing and do you know what I’ve been learning? Everyone is dicks. (All you dicks who are apart of the grammar gestapo need to hop off my jock on that last sentence fragment there. Tenses mess me up) Even the people who don’t have dicks, they’re dicks, too. I can’t even handle people right now. Speaking of dicks, has anyone heard anything about Anthony Wiener lately? Man, that guy just grinds my gears in the worst way possible. What a sleazebag. Sorry for than rant there, I just really needed to get the word wiener off of my mind.

In the general nature of this piece of shit, I’m going to dive right into a list of things that piss me off. Enjoy you weinerholsters.

Hormones

Good golly miss molly. If you haven’t been following my journey through the teen angst stage thing, I’m sorry for you because you’re missing out. But not on hormones. By gawd this shit sucks. Hormones of any kind are pathetic excuses to make my life a living hell.

“Hello, this is hormones speaking. I’d love to take time to speak to you about what I can do to spice up your life. With 4 installments of your happiness, I can ruin your face and give you the best connect-the-dot bacne you’ll have ever experienced. Also, if you’re a male, do you enjoy wearing sweatpants? Well no more sweatpants for you! I can give you NRB (No reason boners) in the blink of an eye! Ladies, do you like mood swings and occasional mental breakdowns? Well then you’re in for a treat! I can change your mood faster than Pamela Anderson changes the size of her knockers! Happy to sad, to happy to angry within a matter of minutes! But wait, there’s more! For a small payment of dignity, you can get not one, but two stupid decisions for the price of one! Don’t like the way you’re feeling? Order some bad decisions and we can hook you up with some heroine in no time! Got family problems? Not a problem! We can supply you with a healthy dose of prostitutes and you can bang your way out of misery! Thank you for listening and we hope you join us next time so we can ruin your fucking life some more!”

Yeah, that pretty much describes my feelings at the moment. I can’t promise you what i’ll be feeling in about five minutes because that’s how often my mood changes.

Men and Sex

I could write about this subject for about a million years. I’ve decided that there are no good men/boys/males on this entire planet. They are all dicks. WAIT. They just think with their dicks. I swear, if I could, I’d run around with a machete and chop every extra limb off. I don’t care if you’re marthafocking jesus, you probably done sinned, too. I can’t even right meow.  I think the male species needs to be knocked down about four hundred notches. Hey Robin Thicke? You’re not going to be giving anything to me, because you better damn well know by now I don’t want it. I do not want to receive anything from you in a boat, on a plane, on a ship or on top of a train. I do not want you giving anything to me in the dark, in the light, in the bus or flying a kite. I will get my machete and I will show you that I cannot be tamed (that one is for you miley). Believe it or not, not all girls want to engage in sexual acts just because you’ve got a marthafocking anaconda in your pants. Believe it or not, some of us actually find the massive rolling pin in your pants repulsive and we’d rather chops our boobs off with machetes because that’s the only way we’d be able to “calm our tits”. But obviously for some men, they can’t get sex off of their one track minds long enough to maintain a healthy, loving relationship because GAWD FORBID YOU CAN’T HAVE FUN WITHOUT FUCKING LIKE GORILLA’S. There’s some feministy quote out there about “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”. I may or may not be a woman scorned. But ITS OKAY because it’s not like the douchebag who scorned me is intellectual enough to read something other than the categories on PornHub. But it’s okay, I am a sassy, independent woman who don’t need no man. Especially when the man boy dumps her and gives her no reason but later she finds out that he dumped her because certain “goals” weren’t met and he was stupid enough to talk about said dumping at the lunch table. What I have learned through the teen angst stage is that status is everything. I’m sorry but, you’re a younger lad who is was dating a senior lass? Ha. Boy, aren’t you dumb. But this is all theoretical of course. If this was a real situation, I’d tell him he made one hell of a mistake because this lass is actually really fucking awesome if you look past the fact that she smells like tacos and cats way too often.

Girls and Sex

If I was just an outside observer, i’d say sex is ruining everyone’s life. OH WAIT, all these damn hormones are running my brain so of course sex is ruining everyones life. Girls are such bitches. If you want to get technical about the term “Bitch”, yes, girls are still bitches. They are all female dogs and they are all in heat one hundred percent of the time. End of story. Girls are never satisfied with anything, ever. If we could please forget that I am a girl for a second here, that would be greatly appreciated because i’d like to think that I am not a girl. Let’s not label me as a girl or a boy. Can I just be a cat? Okay, thanks. Girls are so caught up in the gossip and being assholes to other girls. You know why girls are especially sneaky? They think that just because they pretty, they be getting all dem boyz (I’m sorry for the grammatical nature of this part of the blog. I’ve been experimenting slang and ebonics). No. Just because you’re pretty does not mean that you’re awesome. All them boyz be thinking they wanna get in yo pants but little did they know that you’re vagina is like an echo. No one be likin an overly flirty girl. Remember that machete? Yeah, hide you tits. Because we be cutting all them titties off. Oofta. Ima go hit a flock of amish pretty soon.

Sad Music and Hormones

So here I am thinking that I can write this entire post without crying. Yeah, my bad.

“Hormones again! We’re here to not only fuck up your face and back, but we’re also here to change your mood with every song that changes!”

Not only do I have good taste in cat breeds, but I also have good taste in music. If you don’t think I have good taste in either, then you can go snort some lines because your opinion is irrelevant. Here’s some music that makes me cry.

  • Demons by Imagine Dragons
  • Best I Ever Had by Gavin DeGraw
  • You Found Me by The Fray
  • Chasing Cars by Snow Patrol
  • Mad World by Michael Andrews
  • Battle Scars by Lupe Fiasco
  • Bleeding Out by Imagine Dragons
  • Every Image Dragons Song
  • If I lose Myself by One Rebublic
  • Counting Stars by One Republic
  • Next To Me by Emile Sande
  • Bedroom Hymns by Florence + The Machines
  • Blood Bank by Bon Iver
  • Skinny Love by Bon Iver
  • Thistle and Weeds by Mumford and Sons
  • Mirror by Lil Wayne

If you have any questions about my choice of music, feel free to contact me. And yes, Lil Wayne speaks to the soul.

Society

People are so mean. Throughout the teen angst process, I have learned that being mean is a strong component for becoming a part of the social norm. No. No no no no no no no. This is not okay. If you think being mean is okay, you deserve to be shit on by the worlds largest elephant. Enough said. People need to realize that it’s okay to be different. I’m sure that a lot of people have different views on society and the views it holds. I’m sure this chunk of the post is going to sound extremely cliché, and that’s okay. Believe it or not, I am like an onion ( a lot less smelly though and I cost less per pound). While it’s nice to act like an asshole from time to time, hate the world and use sarcasm more than I use shampoo, it’s also nice to be different. Do you know what different means to me? Doing something that everyone else isn’t doing. What I’ve really learned in the middle of the teen angst stage is that all of the people around me are afraid to do something that is against the grain, something embarrassing or something awkward. I’ve got all of that covered because I’m awkward as fuck. I’ll let everyone in on a little tidbit of my life. As you may or may not have known, last year I was a part of my school’s adapted bowling team. Yes, adapted bowling team. If you haven’t followed any posts, I’ve been blessed with a variety of things that make me special such as arthritis and ehlers-danlos syndrome (the EDS isn’t as big of a problem as the arthritis. The arthritis is crimpin my style). I say “blessed” because I wouldn’t be the person that I am today. Some people chose to say “suffer from” or “deal with”, I just prefer to say “blessed with”. It’s a choice of words, none of the above is incorrect. Back to the bowling. When I first joined, I was skeptical because I didn’t know what my peers would thinks of me. After the season got over and our team went to state, I can honestly say that that team was one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever been a part of. Competing with “those retards” (I don’t hate a lot of things, but when people break out the R word, I get utterly disgusted. Cut out the R word) was one of the best things that has ever happened to me. At that point, I didn’t care that I was seen with “them” because that was my team, my friends and a close family. Relating this back to society and the teen angst stage, so many kids my age would be embarrassed as hell to be seen with kids with mental and physical disabilities. My old Jazz Band teacher and the man I credit for teaching me the fundamentals of music taught me something I will never forget:

Leave your ego at the door, it’s no use”

Leave your ego at the door and stop caring what everyone else thinks. Don’t be Mr. Shadows and live from behind a cloud. Step outside, into the sun and be Mr. Skin Cancer and dance in the sun and soak up all the UV rays because life is awesome like that. Do you know who does that? As much as everyone hates her, Miley Cyrus does a fantastic job of demonstrating this. She isn’t just riding a wrecking ball, she’s straight up wrecking societies balls in the process. You go baby, you go.

Well folks, I think I’ve exercised all of my demons. Remember, If you think you’ve got life bad, you’ve never had a corn rash, okay? If you don’t know what corn rash is, google it. I will leave you in the only way I know how, with a homemade quote. Before I do, if you’ve read this whole thing, I thank you. You are why I still write. Just kidding, I write for me because honey badger don’t give a fuck. If you didn’t read this whole thing, go eat some cocaine cookies and get off of my blog.

“When life knocks you on your knees, stay there. It’s safer anyways and sometime you find snacks on the ground”

Maisy's Mom

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David Gaughran

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