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3 Ways to Perfect the Art of Being a “Crazy” Ex-Girlfriend

2 Sep

Now i’d like to say I have quite the expertise in writing this post. I’d like to think i’ve earned my master’s and doctorate degree in the matter of one breakup. I’d like to think that my list of credentials far exceeds most, which is something I think is a note-worthy feat. Before we dive to far in, let me put a little disclaimer out there. Not all men refer to their exes as crazy and not all men are in the same category. So if you’re a dude, i’m not saying this is who you are. But if this is who you are, you suck. A common misconception about being a “crazy” ex-girlfriend, though, is that we have to work hard to get the label. Believe it or not, I didn’t have to lift a finger to earn the title of “crazy”. Believe it or not, I was bestowed this title whether I wanted it or not.

You see, the word “crazy” has begun to piss me off to no end. Generally when I get really salty, I cry. So if you wanna see a KimK hot-mess-meltdown, call me crazy. Why, you ask? Crazy has such a negative connotation in my book. The word “crazy” used to be something I thought of as wild and exciting when I was younger and now the word just makes me feel bad and misunderstood. I think of it now that any person who is different or mentally-ill gets labeled as crazy. But what really comes to mind when I hear the word crazy being tossed around? A negative way to describe a woman who stands up for herself, goes against the grain of life and is in touch with her thoughts and feelings. Anyone can be given this label by anyone, as well. It’s not just a man-to-woman thing. I’m no dictionary, but i’m pretty sure that’s not what it means.

When you break-up with someone (or you are the one who is broken-up with), it’s easy to get lost in the shuffle of the bad break-up blues. But wait, there’s a way to divert your mind from those blues, did you say? Maybe “accidentally” slip the fact to the general public that your ex used to give oral sex to his best (male) friend when he was high because “he’d do whatever it takes to make his bro happy”. But that’s none of my business, though.

Getting lost in the shuffle of a really bad breakup can leave both parties feeling some kind of way and to be honest, some people just really can’t get over how pathetic their ex was and have to tell the world. So world, I dated some really, really, really shitty people that I wouldn’t mind seeing being slipped into a long coma. The most common result of a breakup, though? The coveted title of “crazy ex-girlfriend”. Some women shudder in fear of gaining that title, but some of us lace that bitch of a shoe up and wear the hell out of the red sole. Titles can only take you down if you want them to…why not embrace it? So get a crazy notebook and a crazy pen out because it’s time to learn the ever-so-valuable art of being none other than the crazy ex-girlfriend.

1. Play To Win

Momma doesn’t play to get even. Momma doesn’t play it safe. Momma doesn’t care about feelings. Momma plays to win. If your ex screwed you over, why the hell would you play it safe with his feelings?
Some women feel like they can’t take control over their life at the hands of a man. Or to remain gender neutral, an ex feels like they have to be lesser than one ex out of fear. Uh no. That’s not how I roll. I naturally feel sad and down about things, but then I have to pick myself and remember that I am a sassy, independent woman that doesn’t allow a man to put me down. When you’re in the aftermath of a break-up, do not be afraid to make it known to your ex that whatever went down was NOT okay. Do not be afraid to give him, or her, a taste of his own medicine. After all, why get even when you can win?

Why is this considered “Crazy”?:

Men don’t like to lose. Women don’t like to lose. Plain and simple. If you want to earn that title, play and win. If you win or attempt to play the same game he or she played, you’re showing them that you don’t take being disrespected lightly. The fastest way to become the crazy ex is to let it be known that you don’t take shit. Learn fast, sweet girl, that asserting yourself means you are “crazy”. Own it.

2. Re-Invent Yourself

There is nothing more “crazy” than getting in touch with your inner self and updating your software. Want to cut your hair? Develop a new style? Pierce your nipple? Go for it. Ouch, but go for it. There is nothing that an ex hates more than seeing you doing better without them. And even further, there is nothing an ex hates more than seeing you become better by yourself. So if there’s something you’re dying to change, get on it! Nothing says “my crazy ex-girlfriend” like dying your hair blue and getting a forehead tattoo.

Why is this considered “Crazy”?

Just as I mentioned, no one likes to see someone improving without them. We all know that one girl who constantly re-invents herself. People often fear this change and after a break-up, it’s easy for your ex to play you off as having an identity crisis without them. So go ahead. Go ahead and have an identity crisis. I know my ex did when we broke-up. He got the ugliest haircut I have ever seen. It wasn’t crazy, it was dumb as fuck. But that’s none of my business, though.

3. Be Confident and Post as Many Selfies as Possible

We all know that one girl. She posts those selfies with a quote that has NOTHING to do with the selfie, but you have to admit she looks pretty dope. When an ex goes and creeps on your social media, or hacks them if you’re too dumb to change your passwords, they’ll see that your life is moving forward. They’ll see your selfies and your cat pictures and immediately laugh because clearly you are so mentally unstable that you actually find beauty in yourself. CRAZY, RIGHT? If you really want to go above and beyond “crazy ex” status, post pictures WITH FRIENDS. Or maybe, post a slightly provocative picture because there’s nothing more empowering then being a crazy AND a slut. Exes can’t handle that your social footprint keeps on trudging forward. Being confident in yourself is threatening to others because they know that it’s harder to put confident people down.

Why is this considered “Crazy”?

It’s an absolute travesty when someone is confident in themselves purely because they feel good. So naturally, they must be crazy, right? You mis-label what you don’t understand.

Now as a disclaimer, I know that there are some women who REALLY earn their title. And you know what, go them. I am a “crazy ex-girlfriend” and you best believe I will be the best one out there and future girlfriends better watch out because my name goes down in textbooks. Being crazy is my game and it’s something i’ve learned to embrace. If being outspoken and refusing to be silenced makes me crazy, then send me to the mental ward because I never want to be sane. And hey, if word gets out that my ex has “psoriasis” on his penis, you can call me crazy. That’s none of my business, though.

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